My wife has cancer. There is no conspiracy against my life or my family. This is simply the hand dealt down. There is no time for woe is me, the eye of the bitch does no one any good in these situations. While yes, of course, I cannot believe the situations lined up in a chaotic row of tragedy that I’ve encountered the last year of my life, I will hold it together here. What alternative does a man have? It could be worse. I have a comfortable home for her. I have excellent health insurance. I have the ability to make a terrible situation have some sort of solution that can be sought out. Some people don’t have that. There is no woe is me, because someone always has it worse off. My wife is shell shocked right now, understandably so. I feel similar to when the miscarriage occurred, like I’m having an out of body experience. The words I say to rationalize this, the cliche lines of “it will all be ok” even though no one can no for sure what is going to happen…it all just seems like I am watching myself say these things and do these things while looking over my own shoulder. There is a haze around everything, thick with worry. I rebuilt my life majestically through a ton of pain and effort, only to choke on the smoke of its burning palace.
Archives for November 2013
Is it selfish that a part of me wishes my little girl would never grow up? My greatest worry with my child is that one day all of this going on around her will finally strike her as being odd or “not normal”. Every year I say the same thing, how lucky I am to have such a perfect daughter despite the set of circumstances we are forced to deal with. But as the years go by, she remains happy, loving, and seemingly oblivious to any sort of tension between her mother and I. Not that there has ever been anything confrontational, but the stories she tells me about her moms bad moods are always cause for concern. She always tells me them just like its a normal part of her day, same as her other siblings play habits or what she ate for lunch that day. She even took what happened with the miscarriage in stride. I can tell shes disappointed, but like everything else she experiences, she simply adapts and remains a smiling little child. Who’s comforting who? I wish she could teach me her secret to handling every day with a smile, because I could definitely learn a thing or two about holding up after she has to leave me for two weeks at a time.
What would you do
if it all came back to you
I don’t believe in just telling someone to “get over it” when it comes to their personal problems and issues. We each handle things differently, especially so when it comes to sensitive issues. You will get over it when that burning sensation under your skin subsides and certain triggers don’t instantly make you wince. A decision I thought that I could live with forever, isn’t really a decision when at the time I lacked all of the information, right? “If I’d have known then what I know now, would I have chosen the same path”. I guess that is where I’m at right now. Its on my mind every single day of my life, it tortures me emotionally. This isn’t about forgiveness anymore, I guess its about finding acceptance. Because apparently there are things that are going to absolutely haunt me, with no end in sight.
After the night when I wake up
I’ll see what tomorrow brings
It always seems that the shittiest people pick the most inopportune times to enter your life. But let me digress. It has been a while since I’ve written. Before, this was a great outlet for me when things were bothering me, overwhelming, or just weighing on my mind. I guess what happened just floored me so bad that I really didn’t think I could say anything constructive about it.
My wife had a miscarriage. On my birthday. It was the scariest, most awful thing I have ever been witness to. We are both crushed. It was after the first trimester so things had really started to set in. I had just told my daughter the previous weekend. I don’t think she will really understand what happened.
Fast forward to yesterday. 27 days after we lost our baby. I get a letter in the mail from the department of revenue. My piece of shit ex is having them look into my earnings to not only get more money, but she is also trying to get me to pay for a bunch of past due doctors bills. The letter states that I have an obligation to provide assistance and care for my child, like I am some sort of dead beat that doesn’t already do that and more. I have health insurance that covers my child. So there are bills piling up that could have been avoided had this bitch ever bothered to communicate with me and get the current policy number. Not once, never called, never said “hey I am doing this”, nothing. Just some ridiculous letter from the state. I have a job. Two jobs. She has zero. The fact that this letter was even allowed to be sent out speaks to how broken this system is. If you don’t work and had two more kids with someone else who doesn’t make enough money, get on welfare. My money should go to providing for my daughter. Once again, some piece of shit person just thinking they are entitled to coming into my life and trying to wreck it. I work hard. I care for and protect my wife and child. I don’t bother anyone else. But enough is enough. I WANT to do SOMETHING back to these people. No more of this. It has been six years since I have wasted a breath saying anything letting her know what I REALLY think about her and this bullshit situation. Other peoples decision to be awful aren’t going to bring me to my knees, that will be the position they find themselves in when they beg the skies to stop raining down punishment.