Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
Every morning, I wake up and do the same thing. I roll over, look at my phone, and see what notifications I have. I do this hoping that Angelica has finally decided to say something. She never does. At least not yet.
My emotions are absolutely out of control right now. One hour I’ll be confident and ready to take everything on like it’s something physical I can mold within my bare hands. Then it all turns on a dime and I’m confused, lost, and hopeless. I still go to AA every day, but I don’t say much. Today I didn’t even bother to say how many days sober I am, which I had done every day before. Funny enough, two different people approached me afterwards to just see how I was doing, and both unknowingly related to something I was going through. I felt slightly comforted by that.
As pathetic as it might look at first glance, holding onto some sort of hope that she will finally just speak to me is something I haven’t even tried to let go of. Its strange but while this is the saddest I’ve felt, I somehow feel like I’m better off than I’ve ever been in my entire life. Like a ghost is watching my chest heave and my eyes twitch holding back tears, then caressing my shoulders and saying “you’re getting stronger from all of this”. There may be a trivial insanity of sorts in checking my phone every time it lights up and hoping it’s her, but knowing the absolute insanity of the cycle I’ve been in as an adult is over gives me enough satisfaction to keep going. I’m sober. I’m no longer tied to a toxic situation threatening my life. I have a lot to be thankful for. I wish I could thank her for helping me get to the point where I could be clear minded enough to finally see my life, my flaws, and my salvation.
Maybe we will go on walk again someday. Until then, my journey continues on this new path.
scaring the Ghosts away wake me when i’m sane