You always knew, one day you would destroy me.
And I always knew, I would have to be the one to restore me
“…do you miss it, at all?”, she asked me. The flecks of copper in her honey eyes stood out vibrantly on this sunny early summer afternoon. The gaze she had shone with several different emotions, and I could hear the uncertainty in her voice. I glanced from her to the back seat, where Caliana sat staring out of the window. They were both wearing white dresses, the contrast against their espresso colored skin striking. Unsure of why she had plucked this question seemingly out of the clouds lazily draped around our view of the horizon, I hesitated with my response. My head cocked slightly to one side, as it always does when I give deep thought out to a contemplative reply. Inhaling a short breath, the answer then blew out of mouth with a truth that I have clung to more than any other promise made during my life…”because of how I hurt you, hurt us…no”.
Today I have been sober for half of a year. I have been in rehab the past few weeks. It is an intensive outpatient facility (IOP), so I don’t have to put my entire life on hold while I am in treatment. My general feeling on it so far is relief. I think the environment coupled with the professional help has been what I needed to be around. There was so much that went into living sober and reversing the entire mindset that I had been living with as an adult. The word “rehab” is kind of in the same boat as alcoholic and addict are. Just that negative connotation that when you straight up say “I went to rehab”, a lot of people picture a worst case scenario in which you hit rock bottom and got sent away to some facility. I’ll admit, when I first contemplated doing this, my only vision of the experience came from TV shows and movies. I pictured Jesse Pinkman in Breaking Bad sitting around reverse analyzing every lost soul that was stuck there with him.
One of the most enlightening learning process that has occurred in my life as an adult, has been learning about my problems with codependancy. Being codependant on the people that I have been in serious relationships with was absolutely just as destructive to my life as being an alcoholic was. A lot of people that are married or in relationships with someone who is an addict or has a mental personality disorder develop codependant traits. My inability to ever give up on a situation or think that “If I just try one last time”, that this will get the other person to change, or to love me. My failed marriage was totally consumed by this reality. I lost myself. I was throwing everything in life to the side while I tried to get my ex wife to stop doing what she was doing. You cannot stop someone from doing something if they don’t want to stop. But in the codependant world, there will always be “just one more chance”.
The rehab that I am in specializes in both recovery from alcoholism and codependancy. Its funny because I finished reading a very VERY important book called “Codependant, No More”, and said to myself that I wished there was rehab for this issue, because it definitely on line with addiction. I was given a magazine by a dear friend of mine that was about healthy lifestyle changes (the cover of it had a father and child on a paddleboard, something Cali and I have been doing lately). In the magazine was an ad for this rehab program, and sure enough it listed codependancy. I almost shed tears of relief. The more I have learned and worked on my issues, the more clarity I get on just how self destructive my cycle was.
I am finally off that rollercoaster. I can say with full confidence that I feel the best that I have ever felt in my entire life. I love life. I love where my life is headed. Its great and I feel really happy knowing I am at my best for my daughter, and can see things clear when it comes to any relationship I might be in later on in my life.
Where there was darkness, now only light…