“The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly the one you’ll never have.”
― Søren Kierkegaard
Something that I had a very hard time with was letting go of people. I have wrote about how my codependency issues were just as detrimental as my dependency on alcohol. The aspect of letting go was codependency at its most crippling. A lot of it makes sense to me now, as I have been able to look back at my past and accept things, but at the time it was an all consuming issue in my life. Most people who are in a codependent relationship that can even acknowledge the door to escape does indeed exist, cannot take those final steps to leave the situation for their own good. It is a constant struggle within your own mind, as every minute “I promise it will change, please don’t leave” will cause yet another cycle to begin. To the outside world that can see plain as day all the damage this is causing and seems to think the truth is staring us in the face, this must seem pretty pathetic, right?
I had a counselor that I began seeing in the Fall of 2014. Right away she recognized my codependency issues. There were a lot of discussions that would end with me having to confront all of the stark realities of my situation and why they were so unhealthy and self destructive. I think because I had not yet come to grips with my drinking problem, a lot of this fell on deaf ears. Most of the issues came to the surface when I would get drunk, so there was this disconnect between those incidents and a sober encounter in a therapists office. The books she wrote down for me to read were scribbled on a note that I never even bothered to look at. Until I got sober.
One of the books was called “The Language of Letting Go”, and talked about moving on from destructive relationships and our inability to have control in those types of situations. The sooner we are able to accept these facts, the sooner we can make changes within ourselves; the only being on this earth we truly have control over.
Finishing our business from the past helps us form new and healthier relationships. The more we overcome our need to be excessive caretakers, the less we will find ourselves attracted to people who need to be constantly taken care of. The more we learn to love and respect ourselves, the more we will become attracted to people who will love and respect us and who we can safely love and respect. This is a slow process. We need to be patient with ourselves. The type of people we find ourselves attracted to does not change overnight. Being attracted to dysfunctional people can linger long and well into recovery. That does not mean we need to allow it to control us. The fact is, we will initiate and maintain relationships with people we need to be with until we learn what it is we need to learn—no matter how long we’ve been recovering. ― Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go
As I finally took the time to make the necessary changes in my life, I felt like I was able to accept the past and some of things that I was so disappointed about. It also let me find a silver lining. That was a huge relief to me personally. It was an experience that, while painful, ushered me towards acknowledging my self worth. There is nothing quite like the feeling of a broken heart; you can be consumed or you can grow. To be able to look at the bright side even in the middle of a horrible situation was a very calming affect. It allowed me to let go, pick myself up and get myself to the point where I was ready to go forward in my life, in control of my life, and accepting of whatever may come my way.