When I let go of my anger, I felt naked at first. It’d been a comforting cloak of nails my whole life it seemed. There was always an antagonistic pressure on me, whether it was real or self manifested. Combined with my addiction, there were storms to unleash. At my very core, I would say this shaped who I was. It defined me.
I think you’ll find many layers as you get and stay sober, almost like you’re peeling back each negative characteristic and aspect of yourself. You find there were many facets to your problems, that kept you befuddled, drunk, high, and detached from serenity and balance. Each step of sobriety involves acceptance of these layers and facing the cause of their existence.
Sometimes when I’m at meetings, I look at those old timers, the ones with over twenty years of sobriety, and wonder what it is that brings them back every day. Do they still struggle with the demons? Do they feel a responsibility to help those trying to achieve sobriety? Is there continued presence here an admittance of no peace? I suppose I’ll find out someday.
I love where my journey has me at in my life. I have no regrets about what brought me here, without the experience there’s no way I would have achieved anything lasting, with no hope of transcendence. There is no more lawless darkness within me anymore.
D’er mange ǿksarhogg, som eiki skal fella.