People cope with shit differently. Some are well documented as being self destructive. Others, we like to be able to say there are plenty of health benefits from them as they help us through our tough times. After going through all of this, both before and post-separation, I guess my advice is this – even the “positive” coping methods can lead to destruction if done in excess, or in the wrong setting. Allow me to explain. When I was working 3 jobs trying to make our bills from buying the new house go away, obviously things got kind of stressful. Looking back, I guess I thought I was doing ok because I never held it over anyone’s head or said anything to the effect of “hey I’m working like a dog so we are doing things my way”. There was already a lot of tension and difficult moments sprouting up in my marriage so unfortunately I didn’t turn to my family for help and stress relief like I should have. My coping mechanism was one thing, and in my mind at the time, one thing only: running. And I mean it got to the point where all I was thinking about was my next race. My next run. Shaving time off my splits. Breaking my personal records. It consumed me and took over what little free time I had. I neglected my wife. I neglected my child. I neglected me. People have told me recently that there is no such thing as too much of something that you call your stress relief. Hindsight tells me that maybe I should have had a few more days of waking up with my family and going for a walk, instead of dragging everyone out of bed at the crack of dawn every Saturday morning. It was a guilt that kept me off my feet for over a month. I ran twice in the last 2 weeks, and both times were pretty brutal due to time off and the fact that I have been smoking. My point is, yeah I am glad I didn’t run off to the bars to drink alone like I sometimes did in Seattle when I was going through a lot, but my way of handling stress over the past 2 years was in the end, a bit selfish and definitely overboard. Am I proud of what I accomplishment going back to running? Yes of course. A very small percent of the population has ran an ultra marathon. That was a tremendous amount of time and effort and training to get up to that point, and to continue to run fast times at the shorter distances. But I would trade all of it back in for a redo of the time I should have been spending with my family. I plan on working my way back into shape, but just for the health benefits. My racing career is probably over. The thing that kills me is that my last race ever was probably my best race ever. Azalea Trail 10K in Mobile. I got absolutely wasted after the race and came home and had a nasty confrontation with my wife, in front of my daughter. That, hands down, is the low light of my 30 years of being alive. I have never been more ashamed of anything else. 3 days later I was in a councilors office, trying to look myself in the mirror and accept that I had a big problem with how I was handling things. That was back in March, and even then my number one thing I told the councilor back then was this – I do not want to lose my family, and I am willing to admit I need to change to make that happen.
