Day 13: Call Me When Its Over

What is the better path to live? To be happy and totally ignorant while living a lie, or to be miserable and know the truth? I guess you can say I chose the latter. As awesome as things have been on most days, especially Monday, I just am not the kind of person that is going to sit idle while being deceived. I gave her chance after chance to come clean and start healing. I had thought we were doing that. Everything she said and did led me to believe that – but that was a double life. You cannot say “I love you” to two people at once. Don’t tell me how lucky you are to be married to me, while you are having something romantic with someone else. If you are having to hide something from your spouse, there is a reason for it. Can’t feel good to be constantly lying and telling people a completely different story than the one you are living every single day. I just don’t understand that, and that is not something I myself could ever do. SO on Monday evening, we headed to Pensacola to do an interview with a band that was playing. I have always thought Samm would do great in the interview role, she is really charismatic and well spoken. So we set it up so that she would do the interview instead of me. The show was a lot of fun, Valient Thorr is always a good time to take in. We had a lot of fun, and after the show it was time for her to shine. She did great. I knew she would. But for her first time doing this, I was really impressed. I could tell she was proud of herself, as she should have been. Driving home, she passed out pretty quick, and I noticed her phone laying in the seat next to me. I just had to know. Was this night real? Was all the affection and sweet sayings actually real and did she mean them? And I understand words are words, but for me its not anything I can take to the bank unless I know for a fact you are living and breathing what you are preaching. So I had a look at the phone, and sure as shit, I was horrified. I wont go into the details, but between this affair and what she was telling other people about our situation, it was just like a complete bullshit lie given the time we had been spending together. Like what was the point. Why even do it if you don’t mean it. I just don’t get it. That night after being built up onto a 20 story building of positive emotions and love, it was like it all came crashing down to the concrete below. Rock bottom I guess. I had some really dark thoughts that I have never felt before, and I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit that. I will have to come to grips and face that at some point. The next morning I told her – its now or I am ready to walk away. I met her later at the dog park and just said I was glad I had some beautiful days as a family and as a couple lately, if it has to end its on such a high note. But I explained that I was glad I found out everything because I don’t want to live a lie. My last words on the matter were “Call me when its over”. Who knows where I’ll be though.