Day 19: Broken

July 9, 2013 • NoleCore •

It was a really bad day today. The only good that came out of it was that I feel like I am nearing some sense of closure with all of this shit. It was time for an ultimatum and I now had every right to make one. Nothing was going to be the same ever again. For better or worse. What do you do when someone who has lied constantly gives you their word? You should probably say sorry and just walk away. Which I actually tried to do last night. Each time she grabbed my hand and said “No.” She loves me. I do think she cares about our marriage enough that she doesn’t want it to vanish permanently. But you can’t have your cake and eat it to. I don’t deserve that. Cali doesn’t deserve that. No one in this fucked up world deserves that.

Sigh. The problem with this entire thing is this: no matter how upset we get over things, no matter what we say to each other, within 30 mins we are sitting next to one another, going forward. Which is what happened last night. Smoking and drinking, going for a drive, and playing with our dogs. Ended the night giving her literally the best massage I have ever given in my entire life, for an hour and a half. A shit day that still ended with me curled up in bed with my arm around her waist. Its gonna hurt. Big time. But because some petulant child wont fuck off and leave my family the hell alone, I might be broken for a long time coming. I’m not saying I can predict the future and say without a doubt that we can live happily ever after. BUT what I am standing by, because of the changes I have made and the efforts to save my family, that it deserves a FAIR and HONEST chance.

Anonymous says

July 9, 2013 at 5:15 pm

Hey man, don’t want to get into other people’s business, but after reading this blog it looks like you just have to make decisions based on what will be best for your child, regardless of how hard it might be for you. If you keep her happiness as your priority, you will never go wrong. Seems to me like you’ve got the right idea already. Best of luck with everything.

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nolecore

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Mar 14

This is everything to me.

This is everything to me. ...

Mar 4

Perfect start to a Perfect day #Hooyah

Perfect start to a Perfect day #Hooyah ...

Feb 24

Tallinn, Estonia 🇪🇪

@whittyybabyy
Eesti Vabariigi aastapäev #Estonia

Tallinn, Estonia 🇪🇪

@whittyybabyy
Eesti Vabariigi aastapäev #Estonia ...

Feb 20

Had a really awesome morning as an 8 minute pacer with @leo_tyska at the Seaside half marathon! This was my first time pacing an entire road race, it was fun getting to run next to so many people pushing themselves! Special thanks to @lululemon and the run club for inviting me to pace, great experience and time in our community!! @seasideschoolfoundation #RunSeasideFL

Had a really awesome morning as an 8 minute pacer with @leo_tyska at the Seaside half marathon! This was my first time pacing an entire road race, it was fun getting to run next to so many people pushing themselves! Special thanks to @lululemon and the run club for inviting me to pace, great experience and time in our community!! @seasideschoolfoundation #RunSeasideFL ...

Feb 13

I love being your dad 💜
Thankful for every day.

I love being your dad 💜
Thankful for every day. ...

Feb 9

U.S. Navy Mass Communication Specialist 2nd Class Christopher Caravello, assigned to SEAL Team 18, holds his frocking letter Jan. 4, 2023, on Joint Expeditionary Base Little Creek–Fort Story (JEBLC-FS) in Virginia Beach, Virginia. Caravello was advanced to E-5 in December. (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 3rd Class Riley Gasdia)

Today marks two years since I shipped out to bootcamp. That feels like a lifetime ago with how many life-changing events have happened since then. I'd gotten full custody of my daughter less than two weeks before I left home. It was unexpected, and happened so fast that I never really had everything sink in. It was full speed trying to get everything finalized and then, suddenly, it was time to leave. My parents were surprised I was still enlisting after finally getting my daughter, but I felt strongly about what I was doing. I'd sworn an oath, and that meant something. It was still the hardest thing I've ever had to do, saying goodbye to my wife and daughter so soon after we finally got to be a family.

I learned a lot about myself those first few months, and it's still an ongoing experience every time I get to put on the uniform. I've been extremely fortunate to have had outstanding leadership every step of my journey so far, and every time I've needed help there's been someone to turn to for answers.

I've said before that my goal for myself that I set while I was still a recruit, was to end up at an NSW command. That first time up in Little Creek was exhilarating despite me being nervous and unsure about what exactly my role was going to be. "I'm almost 40 and I'm still an E-3, what am I doing around all of these legit badasses?" No worry- I was welcome right from the start, and cant say how thankful I am for every opportunity that has come my way. I'll end this with an anecdote, and just say I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. That first PT session, we did something called a "Murph". And as soon as I jumped and grabbed the pull up bar, I'm talking the exact second my hands touched the bar, "More Human Than Human" by White Zombie exploded through the gym speakers. I smiled as I pulled myself up to the bar. ⚓️

U.S. Navy Mass Communication Specialist 2nd Class Christopher Caravello, assigned to SEAL Team 18, holds his frocking letter Jan. 4, 2023, on Joint Expeditionary Base Little Creek–Fort Story (JEBLC-FS) in Virginia Beach, Virginia. Caravello was advanced to E-5 in December. (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 3rd Class Riley Gasdia)

Today marks two years since I shipped out to bootcamp. That feels like a lifetime ago with how many life-changing events have happened since then. I'd gotten full custody of my daughter less than two weeks before I left home. It was unexpected, and happened so fast that I never really had everything sink in. It was full speed trying to get everything finalized and then, suddenly, it was time to leave. My parents were surprised I was still enlisting after finally getting my daughter, but I felt strongly about what I was doing. I'd sworn an oath, and that meant something. It was still the hardest thing I've ever had to do, saying goodbye to my wife and daughter so soon after we finally got to be a family.

I learned a lot about myself those first few months, and it's still an ongoing experience every time I get to put on the uniform. I've been extremely fortunate to have had outstanding leadership every step of my journey so far, and every time I've needed help there's been someone to turn to for answers.

I've said before that my goal for myself that I set while I was still a recruit, was to end up at an NSW command. That first time up in Little Creek was exhilarating despite me being nervous and unsure about what exactly my role was going to be. "I'm almost 40 and I'm still an E-3, what am I doing around all of these legit badasses?" No worry- I was welcome right from the start, and cant say how thankful I am for every opportunity that has come my way. I'll end this with an anecdote, and just say I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. That first PT session, we did something called a "Murph". And as soon as I jumped and grabbed the pull up bar, I'm talking the exact second my hands touched the bar, "More Human Than Human" by White Zombie exploded through the gym speakers. I smiled as I pulled myself up to the bar. ⚓️ ...

Feb 5

Beat my 100 mile PR by 4 hours!!!!!
Forgotten Florida 100 in 24:45, finished 20th overall

Beat my 100 mile PR by 4 hours!!!!!
Forgotten Florida 100 in 24:45, finished 20th overall ...

Feb 2

Today I am 8 years sober
(3)So as I sit here and acknowledge this day, I can smile knowing that I will go to bed tonight in the same house as ALL of my family, and wake up tomorrow one day closer to whatever adventure the universe has in store for me.

I didn't arrive here by having everything go right. In fact it went very, very wrong at times. I arrived here Because I finally made the decision to Change.

Photo by my good friend Brandon Stutzman @shotbystutz while we walked the Arizona Trail a week after I finished Moab, talking about the ideal lighting that evening and what drives and motivates us to be the best versions of ourselves.
#Sobriety #addiction

Today I am 8 years sober
(3)So as I sit here and acknowledge this day, I can smile knowing that I will go to bed tonight in the same house as ALL of my family, and wake up tomorrow one day closer to whatever adventure the universe has in store for me.

I didn't arrive here by having everything go right. In fact it went very, very wrong at times. I arrived here Because I finally made the decision to Change.

Photo by my good friend Brandon Stutzman @shotbystutz while we walked the Arizona Trail a week after I finished Moab, talking about the ideal lighting that evening and what drives and motivates us to be the best versions of ourselves.
#Sobriety #addiction ...

Feb 2

Today I am 8 years sober
(2) It is like you are stuck. You do the same fucking thing no matter how counterintuitive, self-destructive, and hurtful to your loved ones it is, on repeat. Yes the locations change, the bars you frequent vary, the relationships collapse and reignite with a different cast, but the results don’t. ever.

Until one day it finally does.

One thing I am proud of and I will readily acknowledge as a reason I was able to get sober, is that I always told myself no matter how difficult this situation was, it wasn’t going to be permanent and it was not going to last forever. I spoke that into existence. I never said a single woe-is-me. I think that’s a big component in this. Accepting responsibility and always leaving the door open for optimism.

I am up to 155 pounds now (10 pounds heavier than when I finished Moab a few months ago!). I usually state my weight on these posts because of how gaunt I was during my first year of sobriety. I went through the awful withdrawals, got pretty sick, and also had my 2nd hernia surgery. I was in the 130s and looked like absolute shit. I feel really good at this weight.

📷|@shotbystutz
#Sobriety #addiction

Today I am 8 years sober
(2) It is like you are stuck. You do the same fucking thing no matter how counterintuitive, self-destructive, and hurtful to your loved ones it is, on repeat. Yes the locations change, the bars you frequent vary, the relationships collapse and reignite with a different cast, but the results don’t. ever.

Until one day it finally does.

One thing I am proud of and I will readily acknowledge as a reason I was able to get sober, is that I always told myself no matter how difficult this situation was, it wasn’t going to be permanent and it was not going to last forever. I spoke that into existence. I never said a single woe-is-me. I think that’s a big component in this. Accepting responsibility and always leaving the door open for optimism.

I am up to 155 pounds now (10 pounds heavier than when I finished Moab a few months ago!). I usually state my weight on these posts because of how gaunt I was during my first year of sobriety. I went through the awful withdrawals, got pretty sick, and also had my 2nd hernia surgery. I was in the 130s and looked like absolute shit. I feel really good at this weight.

📷|@shotbystutz
#Sobriety #addiction ...

Feb 2

Today I have been sober for 8 years.
(1)As I looked down at my son this morning as I held him, the weight of those words were far more of an impact than when I have wrote them the seven years prior. I am a full-time father to two beautiful healthy children and have a wife who has stood by me and supported all of my goals and dreams. I am acutely aware that none of that would be the case if I had never made the decision to Change.

Sometimes people ask me how I knew that I had a problem and what it was like towards the end. My answer is that I never ever acknowledged that I had a problem until it was practically over, and that the end was the same as the beginning. I didn’t drink to drown anything out, it was something that I did almost every single day as routinely as getting out of bed and getting dressed. Good times, bad times, this didn’t matter. I was going to do it no matter what. When it all ended eight years ago, it was like a constricting snake finally had wound so tight around my throat that I had only two choices: to Change, or to die.

That is a realization that only the recovering addict can describe in full. You simply don’t know how to describe it unless you have been forced to reconcile with that split fork in your life’s journey. Until that moment is upon you, no amount of AA, therapy, intervention, whatever you want to try and do to put a band-aid over this is going to work. Rock Bottom is a unique place that is decorated differently for every soul who finds themselves there. I appreciate the creative, beautiful moments portrayed on social media, I really do. I just think we should also talk openly about the other side of the coin, and that dialogue would if nothing else, let human beings know that they are not alone. Which is a bigger deal than most realize. “The darkness in me recognizes the darkness in you”.

I find it morbidly ironic that today is Groundhog Day. If I had a dollar for every time I sat in AA and heard the phrase, “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result,” then I would have quite a few bucks in my pocket.
📷 |@shotbystutz
#Sobriety #addiction

Today I have been sober for 8 years.
(1)As I looked down at my son this morning as I held him, the weight of those words were far more of an impact than when I have wrote them the seven years prior. I am a full-time father to two beautiful healthy children and have a wife who has stood by me and supported all of my goals and dreams. I am acutely aware that none of that would be the case if I had never made the decision to Change.

Sometimes people ask me how I knew that I had a problem and what it was like towards the end. My answer is that I never ever acknowledged that I had a problem until it was practically over, and that the end was the same as the beginning. I didn’t drink to drown anything out, it was something that I did almost every single day as routinely as getting out of bed and getting dressed. Good times, bad times, this didn’t matter. I was going to do it no matter what. When it all ended eight years ago, it was like a constricting snake finally had wound so tight around my throat that I had only two choices: to Change, or to die.

That is a realization that only the recovering addict can describe in full. You simply don’t know how to describe it unless you have been forced to reconcile with that split fork in your life’s journey. Until that moment is upon you, no amount of AA, therapy, intervention, whatever you want to try and do to put a band-aid over this is going to work. Rock Bottom is a unique place that is decorated differently for every soul who finds themselves there. I appreciate the creative, beautiful moments portrayed on social media, I really do. I just think we should also talk openly about the other side of the coin, and that dialogue would if nothing else, let human beings know that they are not alone. Which is a bigger deal than most realize. “The darkness in me recognizes the darkness in you”.

I find it morbidly ironic that today is Groundhog Day. If I had a dollar for every time I sat in AA and heard the phrase, “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result,” then I would have quite a few bucks in my pocket.
📷 |@shotbystutz
#Sobriety #addiction ...

Feb 2

Florida Forest Service Forest Ranger Aaron Haugan watches runners depart the starting line of the Ellie Biscuit 20 mile trail run at the Eastern Lake trailhead Jan. 28, 2023 in Santa Rosa Beach, Florida. Haugan filled in as race director for the event that featured both 20 mile and 10 mile options.

I've known Aaron for five years now, since I moved back to Santa Rosa Beach. We met at a run club and instantly hit it off, which really helped me get back into running. I'd taken 14 months off from running (yes, you read that right!) and I was really struggling to get back into racing shape. It was brutally hard, and frustrating, but Aaron always kept encouraging me even when I couldn't go as far or as fast as he was planning on. I used to send him this meme of an energetic little kid dragging an old hefty dog to get his exercise on (I was the dumpy mutt in the picture).
Getting to volunteer with Aaron this weekend reminded me about all of this. It's just in his nature to encourage and help others get onto the trails and explore their potential. Now as a forest ranger, he gets to protect and maintain this important part of our local community, a fitting profession for the @beardedjourneyrunner 🧙‍♂️

Florida Forest Service Forest Ranger Aaron Haugan watches runners depart the starting line of the Ellie Biscuit 20 mile trail run at the Eastern Lake trailhead Jan. 28, 2023 in Santa Rosa Beach, Florida. Haugan filled in as race director for the event that featured both 20 mile and 10 mile options.

I've known Aaron for five years now, since I moved back to Santa Rosa Beach. We met at a run club and instantly hit it off, which really helped me get back into running. I'd taken 14 months off from running (yes, you read that right!) and I was really struggling to get back into racing shape. It was brutally hard, and frustrating, but Aaron always kept encouraging me even when I couldn't go as far or as fast as he was planning on. I used to send him this meme of an energetic little kid dragging an old hefty dog to get his exercise on (I was the dumpy mutt in the picture).
Getting to volunteer with Aaron this weekend reminded me about all of this. It's just in his nature to encourage and help others get onto the trails and explore their potential. Now as a forest ranger, he gets to protect and maintain this important part of our local community, a fitting profession for the @beardedjourneyrunner 🧙‍♂️ ...

Jan 30

Ellie Biscuit 20 & 10 miler
This was my first time shooting a race from start to finish, and I can't say thank you enough to Bill at @rotorhead_30a_running_company for giving me the opportunity! Could not have asked for a more perfect morning out on the trails for this event, I ended up running/hiking over 7 miles trying to get the shot locations! It was definitely weird being on the other side of the camera and not running, but being so familiar with the trail system helped plan things out. Best part of the experience was taking photos of so many of my friends who were out doing what they love! To all of the runners, y'all did phenomenal and I hope you're pleased with the photos. It was a big step for me and I know how important capturing those moments are to a lot of runners. There were almost a thousand photos to go through and edit, hats off to all of the professional race photographers I know - your job is harder than anyone gives you credit for!

Ellie Biscuit 20 & 10 miler
This was my first time shooting a race from start to finish, and I can't say thank you enough to Bill at @rotorhead_30a_running_company for giving me the opportunity! Could not have asked for a more perfect morning out on the trails for this event, I ended up running/hiking over 7 miles trying to get the shot locations! It was definitely weird being on the other side of the camera and not running, but being so familiar with the trail system helped plan things out. Best part of the experience was taking photos of so many of my friends who were out doing what they love! To all of the runners, y'all did phenomenal and I hope you're pleased with the photos. It was a big step for me and I know how important capturing those moments are to a lot of runners. There were almost a thousand photos to go through and edit, hats off to all of the professional race photographers I know - your job is harder than anyone gives you credit for! ...

Jan 14

Maas Coffee Roasters ☕️
We took Tallinn to where we "met" (through Instagram!) this morning in FWB. Without that fateful day sitting in this coffee shop when I downloaded the app, we aren't standing here holding our son today! Another crazy twist, Whitney had been in the shop a few months before and helped the barista working set up their Instagram account 👻
@maascoffee @whittyybabyy

Maas Coffee Roasters ☕️
We took Tallinn to where we "met" (through Instagram!) this morning in FWB. Without that fateful day sitting in this coffee shop when I downloaded the app, we aren't standing here holding our son today! Another crazy twist, Whitney had been in the shop a few months before and helped the barista working set up their Instagram account 👻
@maascoffee @whittyybabyy ...

Jan 12

Daddy's home from the Creek!
Walking out of the house the morning I left for Little Creek was the hardest thing I've done in a long time. Even knowing I wouldn't be gone for very long still didn't keep the emotions rising in my chest. To anyone serving and has had to leave home and leave their family, my respect for you is immense. I don't know if I could leave him knowing he wouldn't look the same when I returned. These are joyous days I get to spend with him while he's a newborn, I didn't get to experience these with my daughter. I know what it's like to miss these moments with your children, hats off to those making these sacrifices ⚓️

Daddy's home from the Creek!
Walking out of the house the morning I left for Little Creek was the hardest thing I've done in a long time. Even knowing I wouldn't be gone for very long still didn't keep the emotions rising in my chest. To anyone serving and has had to leave home and leave their family, my respect for you is immense. I don't know if I could leave him knowing he wouldn't look the same when I returned. These are joyous days I get to spend with him while he's a newborn, I didn't get to experience these with my daughter. I know what it's like to miss these moments with your children, hats off to those making these sacrifices ⚓️ ...

Jan 4

Over the past few years I've had different titles and ranks. The most important one will always be, "father". I have both of my children with me, 100%, and This. Means. Everything.

Over the past few years I've had different titles and ranks. The most important one will always be, "father". I have both of my children with me, 100%, and This. Means. Everything. ...

Dec 23

Tallinn Ruun Caravello
12.17.2022
From the moment I held him, my life changed. This is my first chance to be a full-time parent of a newborn, and it was a surreal moment leaving the hospital knowing that I was going home to my own house with my wife and children. Every day this week I've gotten to wake up (more like woken up by 😆) and see this tiny human and its like Christmas every day 🎄

Tallinn Ruun Caravello
12.17.2022
From the moment I held him, my life changed. This is my first chance to be a full-time parent of a newborn, and it was a surreal moment leaving the hospital knowing that I was going home to my own house with my wife and children. Every day this week I've gotten to wake up (more like woken up by 😆) and see this tiny human and its like Christmas every day 🎄 ...

Dec 18

Birth Day
December 17, 2022

Birth Day
December 17, 2022 ...

Dec 16

Due Date -1
12/15/2022
He's still not ready to come into the world. We'll see what happens tomorrow. 🤰
📸|@chelseastricklandphoto

Due Date -1
12/15/2022
He's still not ready to come into the world. We'll see what happens tomorrow. 🤰
📸|@chelseastricklandphoto ...

Dec 15

Due Date
12/14/2022
This milestone is a unique one. We've had this date circled for nearly 9 months, yet it's now come and gone with no changes. Little Prince, you are officially late! 🤰
📸| @chelseastricklandphoto

Due Date
12/14/2022
This milestone is a unique one. We've had this date circled for nearly 9 months, yet it's now come and gone with no changes. Little Prince, you are officially late! 🤰
📸| @chelseastricklandphoto ...

Nov 27

Walked around with this ridiculous mustache past 2 days and FSU & U DUB both won, so obviously I'm never shaving it sorry Chief #BowDownToWashington ☔️🐺🍎 #GoNoles

Walked around with this ridiculous mustache past 2 days and FSU & U DUB both won, so obviously I'm never shaving it sorry Chief #BowDownToWashington ☔️🐺🍎 #GoNoles ...

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