Day 32: In The Arms Of God

I think I have PTSD really bad. Even though my wife is back, I still get really bad anxiety. I can’t sleep through the night. I’m absolutely exhausted right now. Obviously, when I am not around her its at its worst. I went to church again today, and sat in the back. I did feel a little better, but I was so out of sorts I really couldn’t focus enough to gain any sort of meaning in what they were saying like I previously was able to. I guess I took some solace in just being around cheerful people. I needed that. I’m dreading going to work tomorrow. Cali is visiting and I would love nothing more than to just spend the entire day with them.

I have been wondering a lot since she got home as to why it took up until the 11th hour for things to come back together. Did we have to suffer so much? Why was some horrible individual allowed to terrorize my family and (for now) get away with it? Those that put faith and belief in religion will usually tell you that things “happen for a reason” or that it was all just part of God’s plan. I believe that some sort of just karma will eventually catch up to that mother fucker, I really do. Its hard not to sit around and just focus on that shit, and I have been trying not to. My beautiful wife is home, and that should occupy me quite enough. We are healing. I’m a positive, optimistic person right now, and I believe in the things I went through to try and keep my family together. I wouldn’t be standing here still if I didn’t. I didn’t really write about the day everything finally changed, so let me just say that I had finally laid down and given in to the realization that I had done all that I could. Whatever was going to happen was now in the arms of God, not me. Right when I felt like my hope that I had held on to dearly was slipping off of my finger tips, she came back. It was to me, one of the most unexpected and unlikely events I had ever witnessed. So I am still not exactly sure what it is out there that I put faith in, but after going through that experience, I know for a fact that something is indeed out there worth believing. And I believe I owe them a thank you.