Day 97: See kõik kordub taas

September 25, 2013 • NoleCore •

It all repeats again. Six years were spaced between my first time in Tallinn and my most recent arrival. When measuring out how much I have changed, that solo voyage I made on my 25th birthday is as good a place to start as any. My daughter was still just an infant at the time. I remember walking through the streets of the old town looking for something to bring home to her. The small handmade wool coat I bought is something she still gets to wear, on the rare Florida Winter days. As much as Cal has grown, I feel like as a person I have grown right along with her. I miss her so much. As I sit here on the verge of becoming a father again, I am sad to say that I find too many similarities between when my first child was born and today’s times. Right now I struggle almost daily with thoughts about what happened this past summer. Writing in this blog is the only time I have brought this up, since I stopped going to a counselor in July. To me it feels counter productive right now to bring it up with anyone in my everyday life, so for now, I write. I’m a different person than the 25 year old version of myself. I look at the bright side of things. Things are bound to get better. You’re gonna find true love. And start up a family. I think this time around, things will not repeat themselves and I am much more driven towards taking care of the right things. There is no “why me” because I am totally confident in the fact that I do the right things now. Fathers have to.

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nolecore

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Mar 14

This is everything to me.

This is everything to me. ...

Mar 4

Perfect start to a Perfect day #Hooyah

Perfect start to a Perfect day #Hooyah ...

Feb 24

Tallinn, Estonia 🇪🇪

@whittyybabyy
Eesti Vabariigi aastapäev #Estonia

Tallinn, Estonia 🇪🇪

@whittyybabyy
Eesti Vabariigi aastapäev #Estonia ...

Feb 20

Had a really awesome morning as an 8 minute pacer with @leo_tyska at the Seaside half marathon! This was my first time pacing an entire road race, it was fun getting to run next to so many people pushing themselves! Special thanks to @lululemon and the run club for inviting me to pace, great experience and time in our community!! @seasideschoolfoundation #RunSeasideFL

Had a really awesome morning as an 8 minute pacer with @leo_tyska at the Seaside half marathon! This was my first time pacing an entire road race, it was fun getting to run next to so many people pushing themselves! Special thanks to @lululemon and the run club for inviting me to pace, great experience and time in our community!! @seasideschoolfoundation #RunSeasideFL ...

Feb 13

I love being your dad 💜
Thankful for every day.

I love being your dad 💜
Thankful for every day. ...

Feb 9

U.S. Navy Mass Communication Specialist 2nd Class Christopher Caravello, assigned to SEAL Team 18, holds his frocking letter Jan. 4, 2023, on Joint Expeditionary Base Little Creek–Fort Story (JEBLC-FS) in Virginia Beach, Virginia. Caravello was advanced to E-5 in December. (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 3rd Class Riley Gasdia)

Today marks two years since I shipped out to bootcamp. That feels like a lifetime ago with how many life-changing events have happened since then. I'd gotten full custody of my daughter less than two weeks before I left home. It was unexpected, and happened so fast that I never really had everything sink in. It was full speed trying to get everything finalized and then, suddenly, it was time to leave. My parents were surprised I was still enlisting after finally getting my daughter, but I felt strongly about what I was doing. I'd sworn an oath, and that meant something. It was still the hardest thing I've ever had to do, saying goodbye to my wife and daughter so soon after we finally got to be a family.

I learned a lot about myself those first few months, and it's still an ongoing experience every time I get to put on the uniform. I've been extremely fortunate to have had outstanding leadership every step of my journey so far, and every time I've needed help there's been someone to turn to for answers.

I've said before that my goal for myself that I set while I was still a recruit, was to end up at an NSW command. That first time up in Little Creek was exhilarating despite me being nervous and unsure about what exactly my role was going to be. "I'm almost 40 and I'm still an E-3, what am I doing around all of these legit badasses?" No worry- I was welcome right from the start, and cant say how thankful I am for every opportunity that has come my way. I'll end this with an anecdote, and just say I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. That first PT session, we did something called a "Murph". And as soon as I jumped and grabbed the pull up bar, I'm talking the exact second my hands touched the bar, "More Human Than Human" by White Zombie exploded through the gym speakers. I smiled as I pulled myself up to the bar. ⚓️

U.S. Navy Mass Communication Specialist 2nd Class Christopher Caravello, assigned to SEAL Team 18, holds his frocking letter Jan. 4, 2023, on Joint Expeditionary Base Little Creek–Fort Story (JEBLC-FS) in Virginia Beach, Virginia. Caravello was advanced to E-5 in December. (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 3rd Class Riley Gasdia)

Today marks two years since I shipped out to bootcamp. That feels like a lifetime ago with how many life-changing events have happened since then. I'd gotten full custody of my daughter less than two weeks before I left home. It was unexpected, and happened so fast that I never really had everything sink in. It was full speed trying to get everything finalized and then, suddenly, it was time to leave. My parents were surprised I was still enlisting after finally getting my daughter, but I felt strongly about what I was doing. I'd sworn an oath, and that meant something. It was still the hardest thing I've ever had to do, saying goodbye to my wife and daughter so soon after we finally got to be a family.

I learned a lot about myself those first few months, and it's still an ongoing experience every time I get to put on the uniform. I've been extremely fortunate to have had outstanding leadership every step of my journey so far, and every time I've needed help there's been someone to turn to for answers.

I've said before that my goal for myself that I set while I was still a recruit, was to end up at an NSW command. That first time up in Little Creek was exhilarating despite me being nervous and unsure about what exactly my role was going to be. "I'm almost 40 and I'm still an E-3, what am I doing around all of these legit badasses?" No worry- I was welcome right from the start, and cant say how thankful I am for every opportunity that has come my way. I'll end this with an anecdote, and just say I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. That first PT session, we did something called a "Murph". And as soon as I jumped and grabbed the pull up bar, I'm talking the exact second my hands touched the bar, "More Human Than Human" by White Zombie exploded through the gym speakers. I smiled as I pulled myself up to the bar. ⚓️ ...

Feb 5

Beat my 100 mile PR by 4 hours!!!!!
Forgotten Florida 100 in 24:45, finished 20th overall

Beat my 100 mile PR by 4 hours!!!!!
Forgotten Florida 100 in 24:45, finished 20th overall ...

Feb 2

Today I am 8 years sober
(3)So as I sit here and acknowledge this day, I can smile knowing that I will go to bed tonight in the same house as ALL of my family, and wake up tomorrow one day closer to whatever adventure the universe has in store for me.

I didn't arrive here by having everything go right. In fact it went very, very wrong at times. I arrived here Because I finally made the decision to Change.

Photo by my good friend Brandon Stutzman @shotbystutz while we walked the Arizona Trail a week after I finished Moab, talking about the ideal lighting that evening and what drives and motivates us to be the best versions of ourselves.
#Sobriety #addiction

Today I am 8 years sober
(3)So as I sit here and acknowledge this day, I can smile knowing that I will go to bed tonight in the same house as ALL of my family, and wake up tomorrow one day closer to whatever adventure the universe has in store for me.

I didn't arrive here by having everything go right. In fact it went very, very wrong at times. I arrived here Because I finally made the decision to Change.

Photo by my good friend Brandon Stutzman @shotbystutz while we walked the Arizona Trail a week after I finished Moab, talking about the ideal lighting that evening and what drives and motivates us to be the best versions of ourselves.
#Sobriety #addiction ...

Feb 2

Today I am 8 years sober
(2) It is like you are stuck. You do the same fucking thing no matter how counterintuitive, self-destructive, and hurtful to your loved ones it is, on repeat. Yes the locations change, the bars you frequent vary, the relationships collapse and reignite with a different cast, but the results don’t. ever.

Until one day it finally does.

One thing I am proud of and I will readily acknowledge as a reason I was able to get sober, is that I always told myself no matter how difficult this situation was, it wasn’t going to be permanent and it was not going to last forever. I spoke that into existence. I never said a single woe-is-me. I think that’s a big component in this. Accepting responsibility and always leaving the door open for optimism.

I am up to 155 pounds now (10 pounds heavier than when I finished Moab a few months ago!). I usually state my weight on these posts because of how gaunt I was during my first year of sobriety. I went through the awful withdrawals, got pretty sick, and also had my 2nd hernia surgery. I was in the 130s and looked like absolute shit. I feel really good at this weight.

📷|@shotbystutz
#Sobriety #addiction

Today I am 8 years sober
(2) It is like you are stuck. You do the same fucking thing no matter how counterintuitive, self-destructive, and hurtful to your loved ones it is, on repeat. Yes the locations change, the bars you frequent vary, the relationships collapse and reignite with a different cast, but the results don’t. ever.

Until one day it finally does.

One thing I am proud of and I will readily acknowledge as a reason I was able to get sober, is that I always told myself no matter how difficult this situation was, it wasn’t going to be permanent and it was not going to last forever. I spoke that into existence. I never said a single woe-is-me. I think that’s a big component in this. Accepting responsibility and always leaving the door open for optimism.

I am up to 155 pounds now (10 pounds heavier than when I finished Moab a few months ago!). I usually state my weight on these posts because of how gaunt I was during my first year of sobriety. I went through the awful withdrawals, got pretty sick, and also had my 2nd hernia surgery. I was in the 130s and looked like absolute shit. I feel really good at this weight.

📷|@shotbystutz
#Sobriety #addiction ...

Feb 2

Today I have been sober for 8 years.
(1)As I looked down at my son this morning as I held him, the weight of those words were far more of an impact than when I have wrote them the seven years prior. I am a full-time father to two beautiful healthy children and have a wife who has stood by me and supported all of my goals and dreams. I am acutely aware that none of that would be the case if I had never made the decision to Change.

Sometimes people ask me how I knew that I had a problem and what it was like towards the end. My answer is that I never ever acknowledged that I had a problem until it was practically over, and that the end was the same as the beginning. I didn’t drink to drown anything out, it was something that I did almost every single day as routinely as getting out of bed and getting dressed. Good times, bad times, this didn’t matter. I was going to do it no matter what. When it all ended eight years ago, it was like a constricting snake finally had wound so tight around my throat that I had only two choices: to Change, or to die.

That is a realization that only the recovering addict can describe in full. You simply don’t know how to describe it unless you have been forced to reconcile with that split fork in your life’s journey. Until that moment is upon you, no amount of AA, therapy, intervention, whatever you want to try and do to put a band-aid over this is going to work. Rock Bottom is a unique place that is decorated differently for every soul who finds themselves there. I appreciate the creative, beautiful moments portrayed on social media, I really do. I just think we should also talk openly about the other side of the coin, and that dialogue would if nothing else, let human beings know that they are not alone. Which is a bigger deal than most realize. “The darkness in me recognizes the darkness in you”.

I find it morbidly ironic that today is Groundhog Day. If I had a dollar for every time I sat in AA and heard the phrase, “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result,” then I would have quite a few bucks in my pocket.
📷 |@shotbystutz
#Sobriety #addiction

Today I have been sober for 8 years.
(1)As I looked down at my son this morning as I held him, the weight of those words were far more of an impact than when I have wrote them the seven years prior. I am a full-time father to two beautiful healthy children and have a wife who has stood by me and supported all of my goals and dreams. I am acutely aware that none of that would be the case if I had never made the decision to Change.

Sometimes people ask me how I knew that I had a problem and what it was like towards the end. My answer is that I never ever acknowledged that I had a problem until it was practically over, and that the end was the same as the beginning. I didn’t drink to drown anything out, it was something that I did almost every single day as routinely as getting out of bed and getting dressed. Good times, bad times, this didn’t matter. I was going to do it no matter what. When it all ended eight years ago, it was like a constricting snake finally had wound so tight around my throat that I had only two choices: to Change, or to die.

That is a realization that only the recovering addict can describe in full. You simply don’t know how to describe it unless you have been forced to reconcile with that split fork in your life’s journey. Until that moment is upon you, no amount of AA, therapy, intervention, whatever you want to try and do to put a band-aid over this is going to work. Rock Bottom is a unique place that is decorated differently for every soul who finds themselves there. I appreciate the creative, beautiful moments portrayed on social media, I really do. I just think we should also talk openly about the other side of the coin, and that dialogue would if nothing else, let human beings know that they are not alone. Which is a bigger deal than most realize. “The darkness in me recognizes the darkness in you”.

I find it morbidly ironic that today is Groundhog Day. If I had a dollar for every time I sat in AA and heard the phrase, “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result,” then I would have quite a few bucks in my pocket.
📷 |@shotbystutz
#Sobriety #addiction ...

Feb 2

Florida Forest Service Forest Ranger Aaron Haugan watches runners depart the starting line of the Ellie Biscuit 20 mile trail run at the Eastern Lake trailhead Jan. 28, 2023 in Santa Rosa Beach, Florida. Haugan filled in as race director for the event that featured both 20 mile and 10 mile options.

I've known Aaron for five years now, since I moved back to Santa Rosa Beach. We met at a run club and instantly hit it off, which really helped me get back into running. I'd taken 14 months off from running (yes, you read that right!) and I was really struggling to get back into racing shape. It was brutally hard, and frustrating, but Aaron always kept encouraging me even when I couldn't go as far or as fast as he was planning on. I used to send him this meme of an energetic little kid dragging an old hefty dog to get his exercise on (I was the dumpy mutt in the picture).
Getting to volunteer with Aaron this weekend reminded me about all of this. It's just in his nature to encourage and help others get onto the trails and explore their potential. Now as a forest ranger, he gets to protect and maintain this important part of our local community, a fitting profession for the @beardedjourneyrunner 🧙‍♂️

Florida Forest Service Forest Ranger Aaron Haugan watches runners depart the starting line of the Ellie Biscuit 20 mile trail run at the Eastern Lake trailhead Jan. 28, 2023 in Santa Rosa Beach, Florida. Haugan filled in as race director for the event that featured both 20 mile and 10 mile options.

I've known Aaron for five years now, since I moved back to Santa Rosa Beach. We met at a run club and instantly hit it off, which really helped me get back into running. I'd taken 14 months off from running (yes, you read that right!) and I was really struggling to get back into racing shape. It was brutally hard, and frustrating, but Aaron always kept encouraging me even when I couldn't go as far or as fast as he was planning on. I used to send him this meme of an energetic little kid dragging an old hefty dog to get his exercise on (I was the dumpy mutt in the picture).
Getting to volunteer with Aaron this weekend reminded me about all of this. It's just in his nature to encourage and help others get onto the trails and explore their potential. Now as a forest ranger, he gets to protect and maintain this important part of our local community, a fitting profession for the @beardedjourneyrunner 🧙‍♂️ ...

Jan 30

Ellie Biscuit 20 & 10 miler
This was my first time shooting a race from start to finish, and I can't say thank you enough to Bill at @rotorhead_30a_running_company for giving me the opportunity! Could not have asked for a more perfect morning out on the trails for this event, I ended up running/hiking over 7 miles trying to get the shot locations! It was definitely weird being on the other side of the camera and not running, but being so familiar with the trail system helped plan things out. Best part of the experience was taking photos of so many of my friends who were out doing what they love! To all of the runners, y'all did phenomenal and I hope you're pleased with the photos. It was a big step for me and I know how important capturing those moments are to a lot of runners. There were almost a thousand photos to go through and edit, hats off to all of the professional race photographers I know - your job is harder than anyone gives you credit for!

Ellie Biscuit 20 & 10 miler
This was my first time shooting a race from start to finish, and I can't say thank you enough to Bill at @rotorhead_30a_running_company for giving me the opportunity! Could not have asked for a more perfect morning out on the trails for this event, I ended up running/hiking over 7 miles trying to get the shot locations! It was definitely weird being on the other side of the camera and not running, but being so familiar with the trail system helped plan things out. Best part of the experience was taking photos of so many of my friends who were out doing what they love! To all of the runners, y'all did phenomenal and I hope you're pleased with the photos. It was a big step for me and I know how important capturing those moments are to a lot of runners. There were almost a thousand photos to go through and edit, hats off to all of the professional race photographers I know - your job is harder than anyone gives you credit for! ...

Jan 14

Maas Coffee Roasters ☕️
We took Tallinn to where we "met" (through Instagram!) this morning in FWB. Without that fateful day sitting in this coffee shop when I downloaded the app, we aren't standing here holding our son today! Another crazy twist, Whitney had been in the shop a few months before and helped the barista working set up their Instagram account 👻
@maascoffee @whittyybabyy

Maas Coffee Roasters ☕️
We took Tallinn to where we "met" (through Instagram!) this morning in FWB. Without that fateful day sitting in this coffee shop when I downloaded the app, we aren't standing here holding our son today! Another crazy twist, Whitney had been in the shop a few months before and helped the barista working set up their Instagram account 👻
@maascoffee @whittyybabyy ...

Jan 12

Daddy's home from the Creek!
Walking out of the house the morning I left for Little Creek was the hardest thing I've done in a long time. Even knowing I wouldn't be gone for very long still didn't keep the emotions rising in my chest. To anyone serving and has had to leave home and leave their family, my respect for you is immense. I don't know if I could leave him knowing he wouldn't look the same when I returned. These are joyous days I get to spend with him while he's a newborn, I didn't get to experience these with my daughter. I know what it's like to miss these moments with your children, hats off to those making these sacrifices ⚓️

Daddy's home from the Creek!
Walking out of the house the morning I left for Little Creek was the hardest thing I've done in a long time. Even knowing I wouldn't be gone for very long still didn't keep the emotions rising in my chest. To anyone serving and has had to leave home and leave their family, my respect for you is immense. I don't know if I could leave him knowing he wouldn't look the same when I returned. These are joyous days I get to spend with him while he's a newborn, I didn't get to experience these with my daughter. I know what it's like to miss these moments with your children, hats off to those making these sacrifices ⚓️ ...

Jan 4

Over the past few years I've had different titles and ranks. The most important one will always be, "father". I have both of my children with me, 100%, and This. Means. Everything.

Over the past few years I've had different titles and ranks. The most important one will always be, "father". I have both of my children with me, 100%, and This. Means. Everything. ...

Dec 23

Tallinn Ruun Caravello
12.17.2022
From the moment I held him, my life changed. This is my first chance to be a full-time parent of a newborn, and it was a surreal moment leaving the hospital knowing that I was going home to my own house with my wife and children. Every day this week I've gotten to wake up (more like woken up by 😆) and see this tiny human and its like Christmas every day 🎄

Tallinn Ruun Caravello
12.17.2022
From the moment I held him, my life changed. This is my first chance to be a full-time parent of a newborn, and it was a surreal moment leaving the hospital knowing that I was going home to my own house with my wife and children. Every day this week I've gotten to wake up (more like woken up by 😆) and see this tiny human and its like Christmas every day 🎄 ...

Dec 18

Birth Day
December 17, 2022

Birth Day
December 17, 2022 ...

Dec 16

Due Date -1
12/15/2022
He's still not ready to come into the world. We'll see what happens tomorrow. 🤰
📸|@chelseastricklandphoto

Due Date -1
12/15/2022
He's still not ready to come into the world. We'll see what happens tomorrow. 🤰
📸|@chelseastricklandphoto ...

Dec 15

Due Date
12/14/2022
This milestone is a unique one. We've had this date circled for nearly 9 months, yet it's now come and gone with no changes. Little Prince, you are officially late! 🤰
📸| @chelseastricklandphoto

Due Date
12/14/2022
This milestone is a unique one. We've had this date circled for nearly 9 months, yet it's now come and gone with no changes. Little Prince, you are officially late! 🤰
📸| @chelseastricklandphoto ...

Nov 27

Walked around with this ridiculous mustache past 2 days and FSU & U DUB both won, so obviously I'm never shaving it sorry Chief #BowDownToWashington ☔️🐺🍎 #GoNoles

Walked around with this ridiculous mustache past 2 days and FSU & U DUB both won, so obviously I'm never shaving it sorry Chief #BowDownToWashington ☔️🐺🍎 #GoNoles ...

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