“To enjoy the things we ought, and to hate the things we ought, has the greatest bearing on excellence of character.”
A lot of people talk about hatred with contempt in their voice. Like they say its a wasted emotion, or that it consumes those that feel it to the point where they are useless to themselves and to those around them. In the society that I have grown up in, I suppose I hear this kind of assessment because of one simple fact: the majority of its population has never had a reason to truly hate another living being. I’m not referring to the brainwashed fanatics that grow up being spoon fed some bullshit rhetoric from their parents or religion. True hatred is not taught, it is learned. It occurs when you start to feel a spark deep inside yourself once someone has intentionally harmed you. That spark simmers and can eventually catch fire, causing you to act upon it by harming this other person right back. This is called revenge. Sometimes, it is absolutely justifiable. It is unnatural for a person to go out of their way to attempt to destroy another person. I would like to think these sort of pathetic individuals are a minority in this country. I hope that I am right.
I have come a long way in my battle with post traumatic stress disorder. Or whatever you would like to call it. I no longer wake up and immediately have my thoughts drift to this person that intentionally tried to ruin my life and ruin my family. That is a progress that I had long sought. It was horrible having those awful thoughts pop into my mind as soon as I opened my eyes. Most days, I was lucky to make it out of the shower in the mornings before the demons came back.
I beat them. And when they tried to come back recently, I faced my fears and fought back. I walk a fine line between my hatred and my tranquility. I have great hopes and excitement for my future, and sometimes I believe my greatest revenge against those that hurt me is by living a eventful and productive life. Then there are days when I think if the opportunity arose, I would give this person the beating they so justly deserve. Its a fine line, and I’m taking it day by day. I am getting a lot better though. Whatever you want to pinpoint as the reason, be it the breaking point, where I am at in my life now, or finally seeing that ray of hope peak through the gloom. I am better. I saw the signs yesterday, that normally would have been painful reminders, some horrible coincidence planted to revel in my misery. Instead I shrugged my shoulders, and walked towards my happiness.
You are my ray of sunshine, on a cloudy day.
