I dropped off the divorce papers at my attorney’s office today. That was probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. The tears streamed down my face as I drove across town. I don’t know why but I listened to some songs off of a CD we had made together, including the song we walked down the aisle to and had our first dance to. Nostalgia I guess, I just wanted to remember the times that we were happy and had a bright future. Before it all went wrong. Looking back at how everything unfolded, I don’t know what else could have been done to help the situations or prevent them. I would have had to have been a mind reader or been able to predict the future. No one could have. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into, but despite that I would have loved her anyways with all of her shortcomings. But betrayal is going too far. I will never know why she did it, and I am not sure she does either. There is no excuse though and there should have been some sort of wall that should have been hit before she finally went through with it. That is not normal. Normal people don’t cheat, normal people don’t try and destroy another persons life.
I’m rambling. This is all shit that has been gone over again and again in my own mind, and I think that the reason today I dug up so many fond memories instead of focusing on the bad ones, is that I am acknowledging that I married this girl for a reason, and that I really did love her and was happy when we fell in love. I even wore my wedding ring today, one last time. I just want this marriage to end with some sort of dignity attached to it. So many young couples fail at marriage, and while I think ours was a unique situation in that there were so many abnormalities involved, I don’t think anyone should rush into the attorneys office “happy” to see their marriage end. There is no happiness in this whatsoever, there were a ton of hopeless and frustrating moments but up until the very end, I always tried to fix things, and believed that we would overcome them.
I made a short video telling my wife goodbye that was very heartfelt and sincere. I don’t know if I will ever send it to her. She was the one always doing things bringing us closer to an ending, but here I am the one finally doing the action that closes this chapter of our lives.
I enter into this marriage with you, knowing that the true magic of love is not to avoid challenges, but to navigate them successfully, together. The best part of being with you is that somehow someway, we make each day work, together. I ask you to share this world with me, for good and ill, better and worse. Be my everything, and I will be yours always. I vow lest I die tomorrow, ma armastan sind.
