Archives for October 2014

With this heart in your hand

try to understand

I turned 32 this past weekend. It was a stress free day, and I even spent it with some friends and got to enjoy myself. Far different than last year…

I came home from training ats my second job, the coffee shop in Seaside. I had gotten the job for some extra cash since we were having a baby, and it was going really well. I probably walked out after each shift with enough money from tips to buy groceries and gas for the entire month. When I got home, we sat on the couch and relaxed while watching Breaking Bad. My wife started to complain about some stomach pains, which of course made me nervous but this had happened before. An hour later she was writhing in pain and told me to take her to the ER, which luckily was right down the road. As we were checking in to the emergency room, the blood began to pour out of her.

It was a soul crushing experience, I can’t imagine how traumatic it was for my wife, and there were things that happened that I will never un-see. We were devastated. We had waited the three months and gotten the OK from our doctor to spread the good news and that everything was healthy. I knew my wife was not healthy, but I was holding out hope that things would get on track as our pregnancy progressed.

I would say the highlight of my entire relationship with Samantha was hearing our babies heartbeat. The first time was when we had an ultrasound done and got to actually see the baby forming. The second time was for a checkup at the hospital the weekend before the miscarriage. It made everything real and this child was going to be a testament to our marriage overcoming every obstacle imaginable. I guess the fact that it didn’t happen was a sign of things to come.

Our divorce should be final this week. I have had a lot of emotions about all of this, and there have been times where I feel like my resolve will buckle and I wanted to run back to you. You say you are getting help for your problems, and I want to believe you and encourage you to stay on the right path. I know it would be a disservice to us both to ever given in and allow reconciliation to happen. This is your time to take care of yourself. I can’t do it anymore. The potential is there and I hope the kind of awakening you need finally happens.

The baby’s name was Mila Grace.

Now you’re gone but I still remember

Better days as they wash into the sea…

Dear Wife,

Today is/was the 3 year anniversary of our wedding. I can’t help but remember what a wonderful day that was and how much fun we had that week with all of our friends and family that came from all over the world to see us. Several of them told me that it was the most fun that they had ever had. We definitely had a great time and the wedding itself went off without a hitch (even though I sent Philip back to the apartment to get the “I love you” plate for the paint and delayed the ceremony 15 mins). I keep day dreaming back to that time and smiling, although each time I sigh at the conclusion of my thought, the exhale brings tears to my eyes.

I’ve talked to you each day for the last 4 days, and all 4 days it was like talking to a different person. I hope you can finally have some stability, and be the one who I spoke to yesterday. That was the person that I fell in love with 4 years ago. The thoughtful best friend who always went out of their way to make sure things were ok and who made it a point to ask if there was anything they could do for you. I could hear it in your voice, she is still there. I just hope she stays.

No matter what happened in the past, even the recent problems, I just want you to be happy and stable. Please get the help that you need to have a successful and productive life. You taught me a lot about myself, about family, and doing the right thing for people you care about. Even if you sometimes didn’t do those things for our little family. You’ll always have a friend, you’ll always have a fan rooting for you to do great and wonderful things. I am sorry we couldn’t achieve the longevity in marriage that our love seemed so destined to reach, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t wish each other the best. I told you I hated you Tuesday night. That doesn’t mean that I still did on Wednesday morning. Tempers flare, feelings hurt, hopefully they do so less and less as it becomes more of a friendship in re-bloom than a relationships flames of the end.

“What does it take / teamwork”

Love,

Husband