Archives for April 2015

I have heard many ways to describe the reasons for using drugs and alcohol. That they numb pain, both physical and emotional. They give a false sense of being invincible. Depression. I look back at my past decade of life and think about just what the hell I was thinking about when I took off on this ill fated journey. I also think about who the “real” me is inside all of this, and who the people around me think that I am. I know plenty of people think of me as either a tough as nails athlete, or an extreme sometimes out of control maniac. The people that I’ve met over the last ten years probably didn’t know that I had a sensitive bone in my body until I started writing this blog. And that’s a damn shame. And it’s also all my fault.
Somewhere along the way, I started to enjoy being brash and angry, and took off with it. I thought I needed it. I wasn’t ever comfortable with myself, but found that people sort of revere what they fear. Start doing extreme things and people will back off while paying their respects. I used this in all aspects of my personal life. Music, running, traveling, women. A lot of people know who I am but hardly anyone is close to me. The friends that I consider close, most think I am brimming with self confidence, and that I am able to press on through almost any situation. I don’t know why or how, but this persona that was fueled by alcohol and adrenaline propped all of that up. I don’t feel any self confidence right now. In fact, I feel worthless.
When I moved back from Seattle, I was extremely uneasy about seeing people I grew up with. I was made fun of a lot when I was a kid, especially those middle school & early high school years. I remember reading an old interview with Philip Anselmo, someone who is associated with being one of the baddest, toughest dudes on the planet. He said that he was awkward and made fun of a lot growing up, and while everyone was saying how unbelievable that sounded, I totally related to it. As stupid as it sounds, I endured a fair share of torment from kids I went to school with and I think that stuck with me into my young adult life. The only thing that finally bought me some slack was running. When I ran my first race, and won, other kids were pretty surprised. My coach even said, “the first time Chris ever kicked someones ass was when he ran that race. He found out what he was good at”. That is a pretty dumb thing to say in front of a bunch of hormonal idiot kids, but I latched onto that and never let go. Come to think of it, that probably is still with me to this day subconsciously. There was a small group of kids, that for whatever reason, turned it up a notch in making fun of me as my running career took off. This continued into high school. Kids that age can be pretty merciless, and I will spare the details of what it is they usually said to me. All I remember is when I went to track practice, that was usually my only escape. Long story short, I ended up switching high schools and moving out of my moms house at age 17. It was an instant relief and a totally different environment. The teachers, coaches, and other students were awesome and it was nice to end high school on a really good note. To this day, I immensely enjoy hearing from anyone that I went to Woodham with. I wish the growing up process could have continued like this, but when I went away to college, I discovered something else that could boost my self confidence and become my shield from my insecurities: alcohol.
I don’t want to wear a mask anymore. If and when I am able to stand back up on my own two feet, I want to be strong enough to handle whatever life throws at me with dignity and grace, instead of closing my eyes and saying “Fuck The World” before blindly hurling myself into it.

My little daughter is always smiling. Despite all of the negative situations swirling around her since she was born, this child has never had a sad day in her life. Isn’t it kind of amazing that the most well adjusted human being that I know is only 7 years old?
I told her on Friday that Samantha and I are divorced. She asked me what a divorce is and I just said it’s when two people aren’t married anymore, and that it doesn’t mean that her ema (“ema” means “mother” in Estonian) doesn’t love her anymore. I would never change her perception of Samm. I think it’s awful and pathetic that a grown adult would straight up tell a small child not to love someone anymore, regardless of what happened. Seems like it would be incredibly confusing and upsetting, especially to a timid child like Cali. She asked a few questions afterwards, but all in all seemed calm about it.
I get the sense that she was watching me for my reaction to all of this. I tried my best to smile and just reassure her that everything would be ok, everyone still loved her, and if she needed to talk to ema she could always call her. Cali has no idea what happened to me since the last time she was here, and that’s been what I have been trying to shrug off while she’s been here. It hasn’t been easy.
The social anxiety I had around other families came roaring back this weekend. I took Cal out to dinner to try and keep her mind off what I’d told her. I could barely keep my hands from shaking or my voice from cracking the entire meal. After I put her to bed, as insane as this sounds, I ran outside and called my now ex wife and broke down. I told her everything I’d been going through, about my current failed relationship, and my alcohol addiction that had taken over my persona. And amazingly enough, wether it’s because of her own addiction or her acceptance of her mistakes made, she actually listened and had some calming words to say. It was the first “real” conversation we’d had in years.
The next morning was overcast, but I took Cali to look at the apartment on the beach I was approved for this week. It’s a nice sunny place that will be a good location to try and recover in. Having a sand dune for a backyard sounds like an ok experience for the upcoming summer. Right now I have to continue my sobriety, and try and move past the void in my every day life.
“Is Miss Angelica moving to the beach with us?”

She was supposed to.
………………………………………………………….

I have been back a few days now. I feel each day is vastly different than the one prior. They each have different paths and lessons and the people I talk to each night have all been unique with their own perspective on this situation. I appreciate all of them, even when they lack trust in my decision. Its better to have a few critics by your side with good intentions than false friends spoon feeding you bullshit. I have also gone to AA meetings each evening. Those also have been very different experiences each time. I feel like it is a positive place to express myself and explain myself to those that are admitting they lost control of themselves like I feel I did. While the story changes from person to person, and I have yet to really relate to very many of them, I can appreciate the honesty in the gestures. Most addicts I have listened to or met in my life and so far in AA are childish, self destructive idiots. That being said, I hold much respect for anyone who takes the first step of admitting they are at fault for some very serious problems. The only thing I’ve noticed that seems troubling is the severe lack of stories that ever mention the other people in these addicts lives that were affected by all of this. Mine is always brief. And unwavering.
I am here because I hurt someone that cared about me deeply. They were irreplaceable in my life and now they’re gone. I don’t want to ever lose control of my life and not be able to handle my problems constructively ever again.

I have spent a lot of my free moments from work sitting outside on benches, usually near the ocean. I just sit and think. Or talk out loud to someone that I wish was still listening.

I returned home after my journey to some heartbreaking news: Angelica gave up on me. I’m still processing this, though over the past four days mileage and hours alone in the car did cause me to consider this could happen. I guess I was being optimistic that it wouldn’t since everything else on my voyage seemed to be so positive and inspiring. I feel like someone that was really sick who woke up one day feeling better, only to realize the person that had taken care of him the entire time had left right before he woke up.
At first I had anger towards my ex wife course through my body…but like my acceptance of my alcohol addiction, there is no one to truly blame but myself. I should have known my ex’s manipulation and lies were just hooks in me to get money and keep me from walking away. I was a confused coward, lying to Angelica while never truly cutting off the leech from my past. I had turned into exactly what my ex wife had been during her affair. And with the alcohol thrown into this equation, I became a mean, hurtful sad excuse of a man.
I met Angelica when I needed her the most in my life. When I broke down in tears some days, she was always there to comfort me. Whenever I had self esteem issues, she was there to coach me back up into someone who could be comfortable in their own skin. Every minute problem I seemed to struggle with, she was there to apply love and understanding to.

When my marriage was collapsing, I remember having a conversation with my mother about how she and my father had remained married for so long. She listed several things that at the time seemed cliche, but I distinctly noted them and said how I’d never felt anything like that. Months later when I started to see Angelica more and more, I excitedly sat down with my mom and told her those things she had described were exactly what I was feeling. Every time I knew I would see Angelica, I had butterflies in my stomach. If I had twenty minutes of spare time at work, I’d rush over to see her for just a minute or two so that I could get a hug and a kiss. I was head over heels in love with her. It was the healing dose that I needed at the time. I wouldn’t have made it those first few months without her…
Angelica, I doubt you’ll ever read this, but I want you to know that I will always be eternally grateful for you being there for me while I tried to put my life back together. I would have never made the decision to get sober and finally lay my past to rest if it weren’t for you. I was able to feel the joy of true love and having someone that appreciates everything about me…and it was everything that I hoped it would be. I’m so sorry that I mistreated you and didn’t live up to your expectations of me until it was too late. I wish that I had a chance to show you the fruits of your labors, but I don’t blame you for your decision. I blame myself for letting my problems consume me to the point that I really lost myself.
That person who I had become is gone now, I’m not broken anymore. I just wish that I had gotten to say goodbye…and thank you. I’ll never forget everything that you did for me, or give up hope that one day we can be together again.
You are my soul mate