I returned home after my journey to some heartbreaking news: Angelica gave up on me. I’m still processing this, though over the past four days mileage and hours alone in the car did cause me to consider this could happen. I guess I was being optimistic that it wouldn’t since everything else on my voyage seemed to be so positive and inspiring. I feel like someone that was really sick who woke up one day feeling better, only to realize the person that had taken care of him the entire time had left right before he woke up.
At first I had anger towards my ex wife course through my body…but like my acceptance of my alcohol addiction, there is no one to truly blame but myself. I should have known my ex’s manipulation and lies were just hooks in me to get money and keep me from walking away. I was a confused coward, lying to Angelica while never truly cutting off the leech from my past. I had turned into exactly what my ex wife had been during her affair. And with the alcohol thrown into this equation, I became a mean, hurtful sad excuse of a man.
I met Angelica when I needed her the most in my life. When I broke down in tears some days, she was always there to comfort me. Whenever I had self esteem issues, she was there to coach me back up into someone who could be comfortable in their own skin. Every minute problem I seemed to struggle with, she was there to apply love and understanding to.
When my marriage was collapsing, I remember having a conversation with my mother about how she and my father had remained married for so long. She listed several things that at the time seemed cliche, but I distinctly noted them and said how I’d never felt anything like that. Months later when I started to see Angelica more and more, I excitedly sat down with my mom and told her those things she had described were exactly what I was feeling. Every time I knew I would see Angelica, I had butterflies in my stomach. If I had twenty minutes of spare time at work, I’d rush over to see her for just a minute or two so that I could get a hug and a kiss. I was head over heels in love with her. It was the healing dose that I needed at the time. I wouldn’t have made it those first few months without her…
Angelica, I doubt you’ll ever read this, but I want you to know that I will always be eternally grateful for you being there for me while I tried to put my life back together. I would have never made the decision to get sober and finally lay my past to rest if it weren’t for you. I was able to feel the joy of true love and having someone that appreciates everything about me…and it was everything that I hoped it would be. I’m so sorry that I mistreated you and didn’t live up to your expectations of me until it was too late. I wish that I had a chance to show you the fruits of your labors, but I don’t blame you for your decision. I blame myself for letting my problems consume me to the point that I really lost myself.
That person who I had become is gone now, I’m not broken anymore. I just wish that I had gotten to say goodbye…and thank you. I’ll never forget everything that you did for me, or give up hope that one day we can be together again.
You are my soul mate
