I have been back a few days now. I feel each day is vastly different than the one prior. They each have different paths and lessons and the people I talk to each night have all been unique with their own perspective on this situation. I appreciate all of them, even when they lack trust in my decision. Its better to have a few critics by your side with good intentions than false friends spoon feeding you bullshit. I have also gone to AA meetings each evening. Those also have been very different experiences each time. I feel like it is a positive place to express myself and explain myself to those that are admitting they lost control of themselves like I feel I did. While the story changes from person to person, and I have yet to really relate to very many of them, I can appreciate the honesty in the gestures. Most addicts I have listened to or met in my life and so far in AA are childish, self destructive idiots. That being said, I hold much respect for anyone who takes the first step of admitting they are at fault for some very serious problems. The only thing I’ve noticed that seems troubling is the severe lack of stories that ever mention the other people in these addicts lives that were affected by all of this. Mine is always brief. And unwavering.
I am here because I hurt someone that cared about me deeply. They were irreplaceable in my life and now they’re gone. I don’t want to ever lose control of my life and not be able to handle my problems constructively ever again.
I have spent a lot of my free moments from work sitting outside on benches, usually near the ocean. I just sit and think. Or talk out loud to someone that I wish was still listening.
