Cali girl, Cali girl, where are you? I. Love. You.
My little daughter is always smiling. Despite all of the negative situations swirling around her since she was born, this child has never had a sad day in her life. Isn’t it kind of amazing that the most well adjusted human being that I know is only 7 years old?
I told her on Friday that Samantha and I are divorced. She asked me what a divorce is and I just said it’s when two people aren’t married anymore, and that it doesn’t mean that her ema (“ema” means “mother” in Estonian) doesn’t love her anymore. I would never change her perception of Samm. I think it’s awful and pathetic that a grown adult would straight up tell a small child not to love someone anymore, regardless of what happened. Seems like it would be incredibly confusing and upsetting, especially to a timid child like Cali. She asked a few questions afterwards, but all in all seemed calm about it.
I get the sense that she was watching me for my reaction to all of this. I tried my best to smile and just reassure her that everything would be ok, everyone still loved her, and if she needed to talk to ema she could always call her. Cali has no idea what happened to me since the last time she was here, and that’s been what I have been trying to shrug off while she’s been here. It hasn’t been easy.
The social anxiety I had around other families came roaring back this weekend. I took Cal out to dinner to try and keep her mind off what I’d told her. I could barely keep my hands from shaking or my voice from cracking the entire meal. After I put her to bed, as insane as this sounds, I ran outside and called my now ex wife and broke down. I told her everything I’d been going through, about my current failed relationship, and my alcohol addiction that had taken over my persona. And amazingly enough, wether it’s because of her own addiction or her acceptance of her mistakes made, she actually listened and had some calming words to say. It was the first “real” conversation we’d had in years.
The next morning was overcast, but I took Cali to look at the apartment on the beach I was approved for this week. It’s a nice sunny place that will be a good location to try and recover in. Having a sand dune for a backyard sounds like an ok experience for the upcoming summer. Right now I have to continue my sobriety, and try and move past the void in my every day life.
“Is Miss Angelica moving to the beach with us?”
She was supposed to.
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