Day 675: Masks

I have heard many ways to describe the reasons for using drugs and alcohol. That they numb pain, both physical and emotional. They give a false sense of being invincible. Depression. I look back at my past decade of life and think about just what the hell I was thinking about when I took off on this ill fated journey. I also think about who the “real” me is inside all of this, and who the people around me think that I am. I know plenty of people think of me as either a tough as nails athlete, or an extreme sometimes out of control maniac. The people that I’ve met over the last ten years probably didn’t know that I had a sensitive bone in my body until I started writing this blog. And that’s a damn shame. And it’s also all my fault.
Somewhere along the way, I started to enjoy being brash and angry, and took off with it. I thought I needed it. I wasn’t ever comfortable with myself, but found that people sort of revere what they fear. Start doing extreme things and people will back off while paying their respects. I used this in all aspects of my personal life. Music, running, traveling, women. A lot of people know who I am but hardly anyone is close to me. The friends that I consider close, most think I am brimming with self confidence, and that I am able to press on through almost any situation. I don’t know why or how, but this persona that was fueled by alcohol and adrenaline propped all of that up. I don’t feel any self confidence right now. In fact, I feel worthless.
When I moved back from Seattle, I was extremely uneasy about seeing people I grew up with. I was made fun of a lot when I was a kid, especially those middle school & early high school years. I remember reading an old interview with Philip Anselmo, someone who is associated with being one of the baddest, toughest dudes on the planet. He said that he was awkward and made fun of a lot growing up, and while everyone was saying how unbelievable that sounded, I totally related to it. As stupid as it sounds, I endured a fair share of torment from kids I went to school with and I think that stuck with me into my young adult life. The only thing that finally bought me some slack was running. When I ran my first race, and won, other kids were pretty surprised. My coach even said, “the first time Chris ever kicked someones ass was when he ran that race. He found out what he was good at”. That is a pretty dumb thing to say in front of a bunch of hormonal idiot kids, but I latched onto that and never let go. Come to think of it, that probably is still with me to this day subconsciously. There was a small group of kids, that for whatever reason, turned it up a notch in making fun of me as my running career took off. This continued into high school. Kids that age can be pretty merciless, and I will spare the details of what it is they usually said to me. All I remember is when I went to track practice, that was usually my only escape. Long story short, I ended up switching high schools and moving out of my moms house at age 17. It was an instant relief and a totally different environment. The teachers, coaches, and other students were awesome and it was nice to end high school on a really good note. To this day, I immensely enjoy hearing from anyone that I went to Woodham with. I wish the growing up process could have continued like this, but when I went away to college, I discovered something else that could boost my self confidence and become my shield from my insecurities: alcohol.
I don’t want to wear a mask anymore. If and when I am able to stand back up on my own two feet, I want to be strong enough to handle whatever life throws at me with dignity and grace, instead of closing my eyes and saying “Fuck The World” before blindly hurling myself into it.