“Maybe we feel empty because we leave pieces of ourselves in everything we used to love”
Angelica,
I don’t know when, if ever, I will see you again. Most nights I wander through downtown or by the water and find a place to sit and think. It’s almost unfathomable to me that the past nine months I have seen you almost every day and night, to having to lose sight of you completely like this. The past two weeks have been challenging. I think about you every day. I cry most days.
There are constant reminders throughout my days of happy time spent with you. It feels like we did something together in every square inch of this town. I miss your laugh, your giggles, and all of your ridiculous jokes and television commercial impersonations (even though you caught me rolling my eyes every time). I miss coming home during my lunch breaks and going on walks together. I miss telling each other our stories, and finding out all of the crazy coincidences in our lives.
The first time I ever heard you sing and play guitar was one of the most surreal experiences of my life. It was a song by Citizen Cope. Our roommate at the time saw the look on my face and later said it was like I was falling in love with you on the spot. Baby….if I never hear you play music or sing again, then it will be one of the greatest personal tragedies of my existence. My mom would always talk about how much she loved hearing you play the piano while singing. You have a beautiful gift, and are one of the most uniquely talented people that I’ve ever met.
I still wear the ring you gave me. It’s never coming off. True love waits? Well fine, then I’ll wait. I’ve given so much of my time and work into people that didn’t deserve a damn bit of it, why wouldn’t I be willing to try equally as hard, if not more, to be with you? No one knows my past like I do, therefore no one can tell me this isn’t the right thing to do. Being loved by you was everything I always dreamed it would be like. I would feel guilty ever wishing to be in love again, I have already had a bond with someone that will never be eclipsed. Some people go their entire lives without experiencing that type of love, how could I be selfish enough to think I should have it more than once?
Now that I’m sober, it’s apparent to me just how bad I let things get. These problems go back to when I was much younger than you are now. I let a lot of people walk out of my life without a second thought because of my inability to accept that I had a problem. That cycle ends now. Up to my very last drink, I never thought I had a problem. Until I saw the look of pain on your face, and the tears of sorrow. After you left that night, I stared into the mirror for over an hour and was never more ashamed in my entire life. Finally, after over a decade, someone had gotten through to me. You inspired me to try and stand up despite the overwhelming disappointment of my divorce. Your love for me broke through my wall of denial and finally caused me to get sober. If it weren’t for you, neither would have happened anytime soon, with grave consequences I’m sure.
When I sit by myself each day, I recite and mouth the words I would speak if I were to ever see you again. I wrote this out so that it can be concrete, and perhaps let my mind be at ease as I try and go forth in my life and stay on the positive path I find myself on. I wish there was a way to send you this as well as some of the other writings I’ve done on here. These will be safe here amongst my other fond memories of us and the untimely beautiful life I lived with you, buried under frozen layers of time as life’s drama unfolds…
– always & forever,
Your Christopher
Ma armastan sind
