Archives for July 2016

“I think that hate is a feeling that can only exist where there is no understanding.”
– Tennessee Williams

Like a lot of people, I went to bed last night not knowing what to expect when the sun came up today. What other jarring news would await the nation when the day began, and what other horrific act would be occurring before it ended. There seems to be a storm cloud hanging over the country these days, more so than usual, although I think its a valid point made that perhaps things are just more visible than ever now. Was it always this awful? Or are there just more cameras now. There is a lot of anger being expressed. There is a lot of sadness. A lot of people are disappointed.

Each week seems to bring another issue to the forefront of our news feeds, be it via social media, the television, internet, or the water cooler at work. Religious extremist one week, the upcoming election the next, shelving the refugee crisis in Europe for a slow news day. No matter what, trouble is always brewing.

The emotions these situations elicit from our society seem to be a hard stance, no matter which “side” of the issue you fall on. There will always be varying points of views, on every one of the issues that come up. That is a fact of life. The thing that has begun to stick out to me is just how the differing in opinion is displayed now days. There seems to be this over the top mistrust in those that believe something different than ourselves. Do we really hate those that disagree with us? Was there always this level of venom towards the other side of the room? I have seen it from both sides of nearly every issue that has come up. I would like to know if that is truly the case, if the written out malice for an argument is hatred. Hating amongst people that don’t personally know one another, never will see one another’s face, never were subjected to anything more than a difference of opinion. History is littered with acts resulting from hatred, none more puzzling than those resulting from comments made in a digital forum.

Going abroad has given an added dimension to how societies react towards conflicts and issues, I am glad for that. Sometimes I think it makes me detached, not necessarily in a bad way. I love this country, and I am thankful for the opportunity being a born and raised citizen here has afforded me and my daughter. That being said, it seems that as a the days go by, I worry more and more that there is going to be so many more pitfalls my daughter will have to navigate to stay safe and enjoy a successful life here. I am sure a lot of other parents at some point during the past 24 hours have stopped and thought, “what do I tell my child?“…

“There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.”
– Ernest Hemingway

Three years ago on this night, I gave up. It just felt like at the time, there was no end to the every day anguish. So I tried to take my own life. Wrapped a chain into a figure eight, put one end around a door knob, put the other around my throat, got on my knees on the other side of the door and lurched forward.

I never told anyone about what happened. When I woke up on the bathroom floor with ugly purple marks around my neck, I cried. I was confused, ashamed, and at the same time, numb. It wasn’t what I would call “rock bottom” for me, just a moment in time when I was under the influence in a summer full of nights that ended in frustration and depression. I don’t know what prompted me to do it either, instead of any other night. They were all awful back then.

Looking back, I would say what happened on that night is a comparison on how I handled things as an alcoholic and then again last summer as a sober person. I was simply overwhelmed by the things that kept happening every day three years ago. It was like they guided my hands that night, demons filtering out of my foggy mind and showing me a way out. For weeks afterwards, I felt a tightness in my throat and would cough randomly. I was asked if I had gotten into a fight and been strangled. The outward marks were bad, but on the inside was where I was reeling.

…the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) reveals suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States, with addicts being six times more likely to take their own lives.

Probably the main thing I see get brought up by people when talking about suicide is the family and loved ones left suffering. I can’t imagine the pain I would have caused my family if that had occurred. Giving up on myself would have meant giving up on my daughter, something that in my sober state of mind I cannot comprehend. There was so much left to accomplish and achieve in my life. Three years is a long time certainly, in terms of working on yourself and taking things one day at a time, but still just a drop in the ocean in the grand scheme of life. I love my life and I love where I’m at and where I am going. I love the people in my life on a daily basis, and the time I have gotten to spend with my child has been a joy that gets more meaningful every time we see one another.
I had a death in my family this week that really just lays out how fragile a life is and how sudden it can be ripped away from you. One of my cousins was hit by a car while bike riding up in New York. Head on, car just came across a lane of traffic and it was over. I could go down the list saying how much she had going for her, but lets just say she was one of the most accomplished young people that I know. You work your entire life being a wonderful example to everyone around you, and then its gone in an instant. You, are gone in an instant. Some get no choice in that.
To anyone going through the lows in life, I understand that it may seem hopeless. I want you to know that there is nothing permanent in it though. You don’t have to know exactly where it is that you’re going, all I ask is that you believe in an existence that is better than what you are currently in. It is there if you examine yourself and work on the spots that are your problematic sources of grief. The person I am today would never get to the point the person three years ago was in because I will never let the things and people near enough to me to cause those kinds of problems in my life again.
Your journey isn’t even close to being finished yet, you’ll be arriving somewhere but not here.