Today I have been sober for 9 years.
Every year has been a unique timeframe of personal growth, personal setbacks, triumphs and disappointments. All have the common theme of not having the specter of addiction hovering over each moment, waiting to derail everything. There have been times over the past few months that I have felt lost as I took a step back from ultra running and focused more on being a full time parent. I know that might sound disappointing, but I will admit it. As I’ve said on these annual musings before, not everything is a positive experience just because you get sober. Alcohol whisked away the responsibilities before, I had a built in subconscious excuse to every selfish action I took. As easy as it may sound to every rational parent out there, just having my babies with me every day that I spend at home should be “enough”. So why have I felt so lost lately?
Traveling with my daughter as she nears the penultimate moment in her young adult life has been a revelation. I didn’t want to try and make up for lost time once I returned from my time with the Navy, I just wanted her to have a chance at a normal healthy life. The chance to travel with her and show her so much of the world, however, has been some of the most enjoyable experiences of my entire life. Our trip to Seattle, my first time back as a sober person, was a huge moment for me personally. Seattle was place where I had gone through so much personal adversity yet came away with a degree from UW that continues to open doors for me to this day. Unfortunately, it is also where my addiction went to a very dark place. Instead of partying and revelry, it was many nights drinking alone and an emotional rollercoaster that plummeted further and further away from who I should have been. I should have been a better parent. I should have been a better son. I should have been a better student. I should have been a better athlete. I should have been a better person. Instead, I was none of those things and in the back of my mind I felt like a failure, even walking across the stage during graduation inside Husky Stadium.
Going back there and having every minute of every day we spent together seem like a joyful dream, was therapy that I didn’t even know that I needed. I’ll remember them fondly for the rest of my life.
The ability to mentally handle the hard times is one of the blessings of sobriety. When things are a challenge, I do try and acknowledge that I can sort through them so much better now that I’m sober. Feeling something, even if it’s an unpleasant feeling, is better than feeling nothing at all. Feeling lost is better than feeling empty and the crushing weight of nothingness. Eventfully, I am going to find what I am supposed to find, when and where I am supposed to find it. The Universe Speaks.
