It was a really bad day today. The only good that came out of it was that I feel like I am nearing some sense of closure with all of this shit. It was time for an ultimatum and I now had every right to make one. Nothing was going to be the same ever again. For better or worse. What do you do when someone who has lied constantly gives you their word? You should probably say sorry and just walk away. Which I actually tried to do last night. Each time she grabbed my hand and said “No.” She loves me. I do think she cares about our marriage enough that she doesn’t want it to vanish permanently. But you can’t have your cake and eat it to. I don’t deserve that. Cali doesn’t deserve that. No one in this fucked up world deserves that.

Sigh. The problem with this entire thing is this: no matter how upset we get over things, no matter what we say to each other, within 30 mins we are sitting next to one another, going forward. Which is what happened last night. Smoking and drinking, going for a drive, and playing with our dogs. Ended the night giving her literally the best massage I have ever given in my entire life, for an hour and a half. A shit day that still ended with me curled up in bed with my arm around her waist. Its gonna hurt. Big time. But because some petulant child wont fuck off and leave my family the hell alone, I might be broken for a long time coming. I’m not saying I can predict the future and say without a doubt that we can live happily ever after. BUT what I am standing by, because of the changes I have made and the efforts to save my family, that it deserves a FAIR and HONEST chance.

I went to church this morning. After the car wreck, we were driving and she blurted out that she needed to go to church. This was the second time she had said that in the last week. I told her I would go with her, I had gone a few times since I got back from Alaska and I always felt better. Sometimes I was even able to sort through the messages and find some meanings. Its strange how no matter what the story is about, there always seems to be at least one part of it that I can apply to my life. I was hoping she would be able to do this too. I texted her to see if she was awake and would come, but she did not respond in time. So I still went with my daughter. I was pretty depressed this morning so I am not sure I was able to really focus on things like I should have. But the music was nice, it was a “new age” type of service with a band playing and it was actually pretty laid back. There were people with tattoos like me and no one was over dressed so I felt relaxed. I used to feel pretty uncomfortable around church and just out of place. I mean shit, I work for a band called EyeHateGod. There was definitely a part of the service that caught my attention though, about weathering the storms in life. You look around the crowd and you have to remind yourself that you don’t know anything about the person sitting next to you, about what fucked up trauma they are enduring silently behind the scenes. I guess that is what makes what happened next so crazy. The service ended and I turned to leave when a man approached me and asked me if I had a second to talk. I said sure, and he began to tell me that he was a part of a group for young men that met every Tuesday night to talk about getting through life’s troubles and become better people, better father, and better husbands. I honestly almost broke down when I responded to him, and I know he heard my voice crack a little. I told him what I have been going through lately, and he listened. When I was done, he looked me dead in the eye and told me that I had made the right choice to stand by my wife and not give up. The valleys that he described that each marriage inevitably encounters made me realize that I am not alone. The only thing else I can really say is that I hope he is right, I hope that I myself have been right, and that years from now we can look back at this and say it made us stronger.

I guess it was an ironic twist that I had written on the 4th about how last year I pretty much abandoned my sick wife to go have fun on the boat, and then exactly a year later on the same day I was taking care of her when she was going through a trauma. Redemption? I would like to think so. That is just too much of a coincidence if you ask me. I was able to right a wrong, and to me that is a huge part of all of this. From the moment that I arrived at the scene of the crash, I was by her side until this afternoon, almost a full 2 days later. Yes I felt torn, because here I was taking care of her, but at the same time knowing damn well she wasn’t mine anymore. Someone else was reaping that affection while I did all the heavy lifting. I am the rock that weathers the storms, the true trauma will be when I am washed away. We have put all the puzzle pieces of this marriage back together over the last 2 months, except for the one showing us as lovers. I even spoke to her about this after we left the ER. Her response left me cautious and confused. I wasn’t expecting tears and promises that she wanted to fix things. Do I believe it?  After the talk, it was like my old wife was back. Affection, love, and attention. In the grand scheme of things, it was just a moment… You have to be wary of what these kinds of moments might do to you. Like the old mermaid tales, singing a sweet song to lure you close before you drown. Or, it could be one of those ones where it ends happily ever after.

It was my worst nightmare come true. I was at my friends house having some drinks since it was too rainy to watch the fireworks. I had just told him how I missed my wife when the phone rang. it was Sam and I could tell right away something was wrong. “I just got in a wreck!!!”. I asked one question: are you ok. I was already sprinting out the door with my heart beating a million miles an hour. I had always dreaded this since we have been separated, that since she’s not coming home every night that she would be somewhere hurt and far away from me. a husbands worst fears. I was drunk. I had to get to the middle of Destin in holiday tourist traffic. as I got closer and traffic started to slow down with congestion, I felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack. I seriously contemplated leaving my car in the median and running the rest of the way on foot. finally, i got to the crash and my heart sank. the car was demolished and I could see Samm sitting on the curb in tears. I flew into a parking spot and rushed to her side. all I cared about was if she was ok. my sweet wife, just had to be ok. I sorted out all of the accident reports with the police, and got her to the car. I was almost as shaken up as she was. “no more of this I can’t take this” I told her. we went over to her place and spent the night. she was already starting to get sore and knew it would be even worse tomorrow. as I lay next to her all I could think about was how scared I was to lose her. not just in a marriage sense, but as a person. I can’t imagine what I would do if something ever happened to her. this was her 3rd wreck in 3 months. what if next time something worse happens? or I can’t get to her? I just want her home.

Probably my favorite 4th of July memory was from 2 years ago. Everything you could want to surround yourself with was right there. My wife (she looked so gorgeous that day!) and I took our boat out and invited all of my friends from high school that were back in town and it was just kind of like our unofficial reunion. Being out on the water has always been a relaxing experience, and it was just a great moment in time. I will always remember it.

July 4th, 2004. London, England. The day and city I met my daughters mother. No matter what unpleasant experience I have to go through with her, I always remind myself my wonderful child was the product of our relationship. I was studying abroad through FSU’s graphic design program and just happened to run into her at the YMCA down the street from school. We hit it off immediately and went out to party that night at some club that was known as an American hang out. A month later we had run amok all over Europe and were headed back to Florida. The rest is history. Talk about a day in infamy. Its tattooed on my right thigh.

Last year. Pretty much yet another shameful event in my life that I am horrified by. My wife had a minor surgery to take care of something the day prior, so we had to scrap our boating plans with our friends. At least that is what I should have done. What did my selfish ass do? I still went. While my sick wife was recovering on the couch. What was I thinking? Yes she told me I could go but that is something I wish I could take back. I feel pathetic when I think about that day. I got in a fight at Crab Island trying to bail out my buddy who had stuck his nose in the wrong confrontation. What if I would have gotten hurt? Or arrested? My wife would have been unable to do anything and no one would have came home that night to make sure she was ok. I had hoped that I would have a shot at redemption this year to make it up to her. You cannot take back the past, and I hope one day she finds it in herself to forgive me for the things that I did.

Today was supposed to be a redo. We had plans to go out with some mutual friends, and I had encouraged her to invite some of her new friends that she had made recently. Even if things had remained on that path, it would not have happened. Its raining. Like Florida monsoon raining. I doubt there will be any fireworks tonight. So here I am, sitting in my lab at my office, without my family. Going back to holidays alone is going to be a tough pill to swallow. I wish at the very least I could have still gone out on the water with my friends but I guess when it rains, it fucking pours.

I think I will put my house up for rent. Its like my museum of death right now. Everything in it reminds me of her. Its a beautiful home, less than a mile from the gulf, and right on the bayou’s. We picked it out together, a great first house and far away from the life that was giving her so much trouble in Fort Walton Beach. Right when we walked inside of it, we knew it was “us”. We worked our asses off for it, I got 3 jobs just to get that debt off our backs. But now here it stands, a reminder that whatever it was she wants in life, a family in this home is not in the cards. I just cannot even be in it while sober. It hurts too much. It has become my tomb. The best idea that I can come up with right now is just to rent it out, make a few dollars on the side and pay off my credit card, and then get the fuck out of here. Move back to Seattle, my adopted city. Or finally live in Estonia. I will be back there in a month. She was supposed to come. Two of our best friends live there. I really am tempted to go to Europe and just stay for a while. We will see. I guess its about letting this play out and figure out what the hell it is that I want to do in life. My partner might be lost, and much of the last 3 years of saving, working, and building has involved her. What do I do now?