What is the better path to live? To be happy and totally ignorant while living a lie, or to be miserable and know the truth? I guess you can say I chose the latter. As awesome as things have been on most days, especially Monday, I just am not the kind of person that is going to sit idle while being deceived. I gave her chance after chance to come clean and start healing. I had thought we were doing that. Everything she said and did led me to believe that – but that was a double life. You cannot say “I love you” to two people at once. Don’t tell me how lucky you are to be married to me, while you are having something romantic with someone else. If you are having to hide something from your spouse, there is a reason for it. Can’t feel good to be constantly lying and telling people a completely different story than the one you are living every single day. I just don’t understand that, and that is not something I myself could ever do. SO on Monday evening, we headed to Pensacola to do an interview with a band that was playing. I have always thought Samm would do great in the interview role, she is really charismatic and well spoken. So we set it up so that she would do the interview instead of me. The show was a lot of fun, Valient Thorr is always a good time to take in. We had a lot of fun, and after the show it was time for her to shine. She did great. I knew she would. But for her first time doing this, I was really impressed. I could tell she was proud of herself, as she should have been. Driving home, she passed out pretty quick, and I noticed her phone laying in the seat next to me. I just had to know. Was this night real? Was all the affection and sweet sayings actually real and did she mean them? And I understand words are words, but for me its not anything I can take to the bank unless I know for a fact you are living and breathing what you are preaching. So I had a look at the phone, and sure as shit, I was horrified. I wont go into the details, but between this affair and what she was telling other people about our situation, it was just like a complete bullshit lie given the time we had been spending together. Like what was the point. Why even do it if you don’t mean it. I just don’t get it. That night after being built up onto a 20 story building of positive emotions and love, it was like it all came crashing down to the concrete below. Rock bottom I guess. I had some really dark thoughts that I have never felt before, and I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit that. I will have to come to grips and face that at some point. The next morning I told her – its now or I am ready to walk away. I met her later at the dog park and just said I was glad I had some beautiful days as a family and as a couple lately, if it has to end its on such a high note. But I explained that I was glad I found out everything because I don’t want to live a lie. My last words on the matter were “Call me when its over”. Who knows where I’ll be though.

People cope with shit differently. Some are well documented as being self destructive. Others, we like to be able to say there are plenty of health benefits from them as they help us through our tough times. After going through all of this, both before and post-separation, I guess my advice is this – even the “positive” coping methods can lead to destruction if done in excess, or in the wrong setting. Allow me to explain. When I was working 3 jobs trying to make our bills from buying the new house go away, obviously things got kind of stressful. Looking back, I guess I thought I was doing ok because I never held it over anyone’s head or said anything to the effect of “hey I’m working like a dog so we are doing things my way”. There was already a lot of tension and difficult moments sprouting up in my marriage so unfortunately I didn’t turn to my family for help and stress relief like I should have. My coping mechanism was one thing, and in my mind at the time, one thing only: running. And I mean it got to the point where all I was thinking about was my next race. My next run. Shaving time off my splits. Breaking my personal records. It consumed me and took over what little free time I had. I neglected my wife. I neglected my child. I neglected me. People have told me recently that there is no such thing as too much of something that you call your stress relief. Hindsight tells me that maybe I should have had a few more days of waking up with my family and going for a walk, instead of dragging everyone out of bed at the crack of dawn every Saturday morning. It was a guilt that kept me off my feet for over a month. I ran twice in the last 2 weeks, and both times were pretty brutal due to time off and the fact that I have been smoking. My point is, yeah I am glad I didn’t run off to the bars to drink alone like I sometimes did in Seattle when I was going through a lot, but my way of handling stress over the past 2 years was in the end, a bit selfish and definitely overboard. Am I proud of what I accomplishment going back to running? Yes of course. A very small percent of the population has ran an ultra marathon. That was a tremendous amount of time and effort and training to get up to that point, and to continue to run fast times at the shorter distances. But I would trade all of it back in for a redo of the time I should have been spending with my family. I plan on working my way back into shape, but just for the health benefits. My racing career is probably over. The thing that kills me is that my last race ever was probably my best race ever. Azalea Trail 10K in Mobile. I got absolutely wasted after the race and came home and had a nasty confrontation with my wife, in front of my daughter. That, hands down, is the low light of my 30 years of being alive. I have never been more ashamed of anything else. 3 days later I was in a councilors office, trying to look myself in the mirror and accept that I had a big problem with how I was handling things. That was back in March, and even then my number one thing I told the councilor back then was this – I do not want to lose my family, and I am willing to admit I need to change to make that happen.

Today was a lazy day. I didn’t used to do lazy days. Up at the crack of dawn for a race. Free weekend? Lets get out of here for a show. Never just sat around. The last two mornings I have just cherished the simple fact I am waking up with Samantha. I usually come to, check out what time it is and then just curl up with her. Eventually she rolls over and puts her head on my shoulder and then I doze back off. Today we finally pulled ourselves out of bed around 11:30 and then ended up on the couch downstairs to watch some romantic comedies on TV. It was pretty peaceful and I wish I had done more days like this before. The first one on was some movie about Cameron Diaz and Ashton whatever the hell in Las Vegas getting a sham marriage and hating each other but eventually at the end they realize they actually care about one another, happily ever after. Great day with the wife, lots of just mutual love and affection and cuddling. Everything happy right. We have a plan. Lets make this work. That would mean this is all real though, and its not. Who’s the fool? Me or him? No. I will tell you who the fool is. Her. I don’t understand after the time, the weekend, the future family plans…I just cannot function like this. We are MARRIED. Here are my options, apparently. Keep playing dumb to this shit going on behind my back, right under my nose – or say enough is enough I don’t care how “perfect” everything seems right now, I won’t be in a relationship in which I am told everything is grand and wonderful while some prick is getting your affection and attention on the side. This shit just doesn’t make any fucking sense. I get the real genuine feelings, I am with her every single day. My life is an open book, there are zero closed doors to her. There is nothing to hide. Its just agonizing because I am doing the things I desired with her so much. I guess I have a choice to make. I hope I am strong enough to make the correct one and hold on to whatever is left of my heart and mind.

The dog in this photo is named Miracle. He was hit by several cars in an accident last week while he was wandering around a neighborhood. They don’t know if he will make it. But they do know he has been declared dead three times already, and each time risen back and continues to try and walk among us. The dogs I see at PAWS are all like Miracle. Each trying to stave off the end game, and run and play one last time until, hopefully, someone rescues them from this hell. It hurts to see these creatures on the brink like this, but the genuine excitement and happiness in their demeanor when we take them out to walk and exercise is pretty much a cure all to whatever bullshit is going wrong in your day. I feel like I am at that point in my marriage struggle where all that can be said and done on my end has been put out in the open and acted upon in a very positive manner. The road to joy and endless fulfillment has been shone down upon. The choice is easy yet at the same time difficult. When the grass is cut, the snakes will show.

I learned today that canoeing just doesn’t come naturally to me. The entire first half of the trip I was worried about getting the two of them impaled by all the branches and logs I was crashing into. We drove about an hour to a little town called Vernon, north of Panama City. Samm had sent me a text message last weekend with all these photos of the fresh water springs up there. At first I had thought it was some tropical place in South America because of how blue and exotic the water looked. When I learned that it was so close to where we lived, I suggested we take a day trip sometime to check it out. We weren’t disappointed. Although chilly, the water was crystal clear, and even baby blue in some deep spots. The farther the river wound, the more obstacles we seemed to encounter. So my canoe skills had no choice but to improve if we wanted any chance at getting back in one piece. After a few trials and errors, I got it. Going in unison with Samm and pushing the paddle forward against the current to get us to slow down or turn ended up making this a lot easier. Amazingly enough, we made it back to shore about a minute before a torrential downpour began. Our day trip was saved.

A marriage is a lot like this canoeing experience. We have to work together and and in harmony in order to get where we want to go together. If not, we will just spend our time speeding out of control and crashing into things. We have a plan, and as long as we both are on the same page and working together honestly, we can make this work. Finally I feel like I am getting the reassurances I need in order to feel comfortable in this relationship again. The attentiveness, sweetness, and genuine love I felt from my wife today was what I have been longing for, for a long time.

When your life turns into these trials that challenge you every single day, the days that follow after “good” days are sometimes hard to take emotionally. You just finally had something to cherish and inspire you, so what happens next is going to struggle to measure up. Today was one of those days and its almost like it is chemical, the effects this is having on my brain and body. I woke up next to my beautiful wife. It was like pulling teeth to force myself to leave her side. I guess when your day begins with you literally laying next to the thing you want the most, your brain is going to be scrambling to keep itself grounded. The thing that has to be remembered on days like this, is that there are two other people involved in this family equation. Obviously, my soulmate next to me had to wake up and probably encounter the same things I did. We have both gone through so many ups and so many more downs lately that it would be selfish of me to only think that I was going through all of these kinds of feelings. The other person is much more defenseless and requires both of us to sweep these struggles aside so that she is taken care of: Cali. She wanted to make pancakes. She wanted to jump into the pool. She doesn’t understand daddy and ema doing this dance ritual of confusion every single day, nor should she at her age. She loves us both. So it was time to whip up some flapjacks and jump into that damn pool with a smile on my face, and that is exactly how we spent this morning. Later on we went back over to my wife’s place to go with her to the doctors. This event showed me some very unexpected emotions. Not unexpected in the fact that I care about my wife’s health and any doctor visit should come with a little bit of worry, but I wasn’t prepared to be so overwhelmed with concern while I was in that doctors office. I almost freaked out to be honest. When we were walking to the car afterwards, it was her holding my hand and giving me the hug to let me know things would be fine. I guess I learned today just how helpless you can feel in that sort of situation when your loved ones are going up against something as serious as health. Luckily, the person I was going with to support was strong enough to support me too.