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Soul Side Journey

A Path Through Turbulent Times

The Age of Bootcamp

May 4, 2021 • NoleCore •

Great Lakes, IL

It has been 10 days since I finished Navy bootcamp. While I was in, I thought about why I had decided to enlist and leave my family while starting my journey into a completely new world of the United States military. I’m 38 years old, 20 years older than most of the recruits I was surrounded by during my time at Recruit Training Command in Great Lakes, Illinois. I didn’t know what to expect despite all of the research I did beforehand, and just hoped that my age wasn’t an issue. What ended up happening to me was unexpected personal growth and a much needed attention to detail that I had been sorely lacking. Beginning a military career later in life presents a unique set of challenges mostly due to the fact that you’ve already lived so many years of adulthood and have so much waiting on the outside. Closing yourself off utterly from your family, friends, job, and everything else that we are constantly connected to is a shocking change to dive in to but that is exactly what I ended up doing. In the weeks leading up to when I shipped out to bootcamp, there were a lot of things I had to take care of before it was my time to disconnect from the real world. The final 48 hours I spent with my wife and daughter in Mobile were surreal and I kept asking myself, “Are you absolutely sure you can take yourself away from them?”. 

Bootcamp can be a cold and cruel place. If it weren’t for the friendships I formed with my fellow recruits I am sure my experience would have been far different as we were cut off from our families while scrambling to adjust. The first month and a half were the hardest since we weren’t given a phone call and mail was slow to come in. Your concept of time is distorted and it is hard to grasp that life on the outside has gone on while your own existence has been confined to a bubble. I wrote my wife and daughter every day while day dreaming of what they were doing without me. I’d check my watch around the time that my daughter would be going through track practice and I tried to remember the dates that she had meets. Each time a letter did come through the morale boost it gave me was a feeling comparable to receiving a Christmas present when I was a child. 

Our Recruit Division Commanders (RDC’s) demanded excellence from us in all aspects of our training. In the moments, we all probably resented this fact but by the end of bootcamp I found myself pushing harder and harder to accomplish the impossible task of living up to their standards. In bootcamp you will never receive positive feedback, never be told that you are doing a good job or that you have completed the task correctly. It will simply be time to move on to the next evolution unless you have made a mistake, in which case you will be strongly if not brutally corrected. The verbal and emotional abuse was always said to not be taken personally and that definitely played a part in how I handled myself at RTC. I took nothing personal, never even batted an eye when I was being screamed at. The trauma I have experienced as an adult oddly served me well in the rigid environment of basic training.

Not once was my age ever a factor and it was rarely brought up by either the RDC’s or the other recruits, except when it was an opportunity to give advice on certain aspects of life that I’ve experienced. I wanted to make sure I was able to help guide them in the right direction when they came to me with questions about everything from finance to relationships. There were a few that I opened up to about alcoholism and tried to preface the discussions with the fact that I could distinctly remember when I was their age and how I set myself on the path of ruin. When I decided to enlist I had a random thought come through my mind that I was going to help young people when I joined the Navy, and I was glad I was able to act on this during bootcamp.

Dress whites inspection

When we got close to the end of bootcamp, I picked up my intensity during our workouts and runs with the goal of hitting the maximum scores on the final Physical Fitness Assessment. The scores varied according to your age, and I was determined to get the highest possible. I was already safely above the standards that I had to meet in order to finish bootcamp but I was at the point where manifesting challenges was getting me through each week. The uniform and rack inspections, reciting the chain of command from memory, and outpacing recruits that I was old enough to be fathers to became my personal challenges that consumed my mind each day. I told myself that if I could just get to the point where I was confident enough to try and get a perfect score on each event, I’d be OK. This repeated itself over and over. I brought my best effort every single rep during PT and ran my absolute hardest every time we were given an opportunity to run. Those were when I felt the most free and normal, and it reminded me of who I was before I arrived at bootcamp.

On the final Sunday before graduation, one of our RDC’s who shares the same rating as me said we had 4 candidates in our division who had finished in the top 3% of the training group. I was one of the candidates. To be honest, I was stunned. I’d gone into bootcamp thinking that I could blend in and just get through the experience without incident but my RDC’s noticed my potential and pulled from me every ounce of effort and skill that I possessed and forged me into the best version of myself that I have ever been. When the time came for the top 3% to be interviewed by the ships LCPO and several chiefs, I was ready. Still, when one of our RDC’s came into the compartment to announce in front of our division that I had won the Military Excellence Award which goes to the top recruit in the training group, I thought I was imagining things. My name with the words military excellence beside it? I thought back to the years leading up to this moment and it just does not seem possible. All of the failures I experienced as an adult and setbacks that I had to overcome were in fact turning points that were guiding me towards where I was supposed to be: the beginning stages of my military career on which I was being rewarded with the highest honor that a recruit can receive. 

The reason I joined the Navy was because I believed that I could do more. I wasn’t content sitting behind a desk for the majority of my career, and I knew that my education in digital media and the passion I have for creating could be put to use professionally. As a Mass Communication Specialist in the United States Navy I will be afforded a grand opportunity to just that while assisting the warfighter in ways that I just could not envision through my civilian job. The time I get to spend as EHG’s web designer always keeps my fire for digital media content creation burning and I am eternally grateful for the opportunity to keep improving my skills. I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this if it weren’t for them! The sports journalism role that I began last year with West Coast College Football was also a dream of mine for quite some time and the chance to practice my writing skills made me a stronger prospect to become an MC. I hope that my skills in each of the fields that mass communications encompass will be useful as I begin my training here at my “A” School and I’m looking forward to learning how to use equipment in a professional capacity. 

As I take the next step on this journey, I realize in the most basic terms why I decided to enlist and go to bootcamp. I am here because I wasn’t comfortable being comfortable. This is the path I was meant to be on, the road less traveled will always be the direction I take because that is how I can grow as a person. The Navy is getting the best version of myself and all of my life experiences made me ready for this moment.

Year 6

February 2, 2021 • NoleCore •

photos by Chelsea Strickland

today I have been sober for 6 years

photos by Chelsea Strickland

pt I

It’s become an annual revelation of the things in my life I’d consider to be unattainable had I not gotten sober. This year has amplified these acknowledgements and I’d like to point out something to anyone reading this: when the pandemic ground our country to a halt and AA meeting places closed their doors to those who sought solace in a daily ritual, it left an uncountable amount of people to fend for themselves. There is no shutdown of an addiction, and quarantine is a frightening proposition for anyone desperate for open doors of a fellowship. Our local meeting place was closed for several months and I hope those that needed the support were able to weather the storm. These are challenging times and everyone fighting the ghosts of their addiction shouldn’t be forgotten about. 

photos by Chelsea Strickland

pt II

Never would there have been the possibility of gaining custody of my daughter had I not gotten sober. I’m only a few weeks into being a full time parent and it is just as serendipitous as I’d thought it would be. Thinking about it, that this is (by far!) the most days in a row that I have gotten to see my child’s smiling face is both a joyous dream of what is to come and a bittersweet reminder of the time that I lost. We will make up for it though. There’s an entire world waiting for us to explore, and there’s no cold unfeeling system keeping us apart anymore. Every isn’t exactly the same but they are all wonderful days with her in my life.

photos by Chelsea Strickland

pt III

It was never close to being perfect and that should be ok. As I try and think back to the common theme of these annual moments of reflection I would say it’s that things don’t magically change the day you stop drinking. Things might briefly get worse as you’re forced to reconcile with all of the mistakes that you’ve made and the chaos you’ve immersed yourself in is finally confronted with a clear mind. Further down the path is when the results of the changes you’ve made start to appear. There will be a day that comes when something you thought was previously impossible finally becomes possible. In that moment, you’ll realize that everything was set in motion from the decision you made years ago. The decision to change.

Christopher

photos by Chelsea Strickland

Epilogue: 13 Years

January 25, 2021 • NoleCore •

Today I was legally given full custody of my daughter.
During every single day over the past 13+ years I’ve thought about this moment. In a system that treats families like they are simply case numbers devoid of circumstances, I cannot tell you how many times things felt hopeless. Yet I never gave up and always made sure my daughter knew that she was loved. Kids are more resilient and capable than we give them credit for, even during these abnormal times. Let them know you are always there to listen to them if they need to voice their feelings! Don’t ever, ever give up even if it takes over a decade because one day your child will need you more than ever and everything will finally change.

Year 5

February 2, 2020 • NoleCore •

today, I have been sober for 5 years

Over the past 365 days, since the last time I wrote one of these reflections, I’ve had a lot of changes occur in my life. I’ve moved twice, traveled frequently for my job, and haven’t been able to really settle into a routine. It’s been tiring, but there were always goals and milestones to keep pressing on towards, so it didn’t seem so bad. The first 4 years of being sober prepared me for being able to adapt and process the upheaval I’ve dealt with for this 5th year. When I was drinking, this type of upheaval was an everyday occurrence in the form of drama and chaos. I was never in control of my surroundings. And any traveling I did back then just felt like I was running away from my problems, even though they were always there in the back of my mind ready to haunt me when I got drunk. I used to think I was a shark, an unstoppable machine constantly moving. In reality I was just a ghost, drifting through the dark. I’m traveling for work today, so this will be the first time I haven’t been at my AA home group meeting for this anniversary date of sobriety. It would have been the first time I’d had another year marked off without my friend Bob being at the meeting, he passed away last summer. So, in a way, I’m glad I will be changing my routine for today, my sobriety goes beyond certain dates, certain buildings, and being around certain people. I want to be flexible enough to roll through the inevitable peaks and valleys that everyone must go through in their lives. Reaching another February 2nd is an accomplishment I’ll probably acknowledge each year, but it’s the other days, weeks, and months of the year that have to serve as the constant reminder of why I made the decision to get sober. There are still plenty of the tough days where I feel overwhelmed, and don’t understand why. The past month was the most intense of the entire year, by far. But I never feel like those kinds of moments are the type of drama-filled disasters I used to be engrossed in prior to 5 years ago. Back then, it seemed to me that the sky was always falling, and the deck was stacked against me. Since I got sober, I can say that those feelings don’t occur during even when I’m placed in stressful or intense situations. Life isn’t a dream or fantasy no matter what, but it doesn’t have to be a nightmare, either.

Christopher

nolecore.com

Epilogue: Pride and Fear

July 7, 2019 • NoleCore •

I’ve been going to AA meetings since I was almost 3 months sober. I’ve never had a sponsor. I haven’t done a single one of the “12 steps”, at least not intentionally. I’ve never uttered the serenity prayer, nor do I know the words to it. I do not speak at all during any of the traditional readings that are recited at various points of each meeting. Despite my lack of participation, I am very much in tune with the people that are in that room and what they have to say. I treat Alcoholics Anonymous like a safe haven when I begin to feel unsteady, anxious, or needing to remind myself of where I come from. Almost 4 and a half years into sobriety, and I still stand by my biggest discovery: the hardest thing for a human being to do is change. To utterly and absolutely change.

The person that I am closest to in my AA home group is Bob. He has been there since the first time I walked into the dingy, poorly lit room of the Alano Club. I think his sobriety year is 2011. Bob always makes it a point to say hello to me when I walk in. Even if I come late and try to slide into the room without making too much noise (an impossibility with the scuffed tiled floor and beat up metal-legged chairs), he makes eye contact with me and nods his head to acknowledge that we’ve met again. I have never seen Bob outside of AA, but he is the person that I’ve spoken with the most at our meetings. On each of my annual sobriety dates, Bob has been the person that has presented me with the coin with my total years sober engraved on it. This past Friday, I found out that Bob had died.

I have been very conscious of consequences since I have been sober. All of my responsibilities and obligations were waiting for me when I found stability, and if anything, I was forced to reconcile with the fact that I had been reckless with so many situations that were going to have an impact on my life going forward. I am extremely afraid of failing. I try not to look at things through a narrow lens and say something to the effect of “I used to be a self-destructive alcoholic, so anything that happens now is OK because at least it is better than that”. I think that would be doing a disservice to myself. I am not mired in what happened the past decade of my life, I am working every day to make the time I have left on Earth to be journey worth taking. Even those first few months of sobriety wandering through a confusing hellscape of sensory overload, I forcefully repeated to myself, “this is not how things are going to be forever”. There are more than plenty of important things in the present to occupy myself with to keep me from dwelling on what has already happened. I acknowledge it, I certainly will not ever forget it, but it was not the final version of myself.

While I tried in vain to process the news of Bob passing away, a regular attendee of our AA group asked me a few questions regarding my sobriety. When he found out I had no sponsor, and had not done the 12 steps, he was aghast. “There’s only two reasons you haven’t done the steps…pride, and fear.”

I have been asked about how I got sober by those trying to do the same. I don’t think any of the people I have spoken about it with in those terms have achieved sobriety for very long. What worked for me probably is not going to work for you the way you are expecting it to. The scars on my soul are permanent and the self-aware nightmare from my rock bottom is final. The moment when it is time for you to change might not be a conscious decision, but a metamorphosis that occurs when you have accepted that you cannot exist the same way anymore. It washes over you.

I haven’t yet processed the fact that I will never see Bob again.

Burzum – Glemselens Elv

Year 4

February 2, 2019 • NoleCore •

today, I have been sober for 4 years

I feel like I have grown more the past year than any years prior in my life. During the last 365 days, I have found a better understanding of what is important to me in my life and what isn’t. The first three years of sobriety were an eye opening experience as I tried to find a new way of existing in a world without alcohol. What changed this past year was that I finally felt ready to make some decisions about my future, I could see beyond the next day and it felt like I needed to figure things out. I took 14 months off from serious running, traveled through a big chunk of the country with my wife and daughter, and found a ton of clarity as to what I am alive for. I needed that.

That isn’t to say there hasn’t been some dark days as well. What I am trying to tell you is that the dark days are always going to be there occasionally. The importance of recognizing it and dealing with it is what sets apart then and now. There are days when I am driving around this winding road to work and I just feel numb. I feel empty. I actually asked myself out loud, “I have been sober for a few years now…why do I still feel like this some days?”. That has been my cue to get out of my own head and either get to an AA meeting, find someone who is saying something worthwhile, and just listen. Don’t just do nothing, because you will just sink deeper and deeper into your own bullshit. Doing the same, passionless routine will kill your soul. It might happen slowly, and you’ll think about other things and try and forget about it, but man it is going to be there like another person in the room, waiting to remind you of its crushing existence. I call it the Grind. What makes me capable of getting through the Grind, is that I have built a new life in which its easier to face my problems without alcohol.
I’ve met some amazing folks the past year, and just getting to have some social communication occur a few times every week has been a motivating and uplifting factor in my well being. I think that’s important. Connect with others. That truly is a most powerful way to stave off the cycle of addiction.
Christopher
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Had a really awesome morning as an 8 minute pacer with @leo_tyska at the Seaside half marathon! This was my first time pacing an entire road race, it was fun getting to run next to so many people pushing themselves! Special thanks to @lululemon and the run club for inviting me to pace, great experience and time in our community!! @seasideschoolfoundation #RunSeasideFL

Had a really awesome morning as an 8 minute pacer with @leo_tyska at the Seaside half marathon! This was my first time pacing an entire road race, it was fun getting to run next to so many people pushing themselves! Special thanks to @lululemon and the run club for inviting me to pace, great experience and time in our community!! @seasideschoolfoundation #RunSeasideFL ...

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I love being your dad 💜
Thankful for every day.

I love being your dad 💜
Thankful for every day.
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U.S. Navy Mass Communication Specialist 2nd Class Christopher Caravello, assigned to SEAL Team 18, holds his frocking letter Jan. 4, 2023, on Joint Expeditionary Base Little Creek–Fort Story (JEBLC-FS) in Virginia Beach, Virginia. Caravello was advanced to E-5 in December. (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 3rd Class Riley Gasdia)

Today marks two years since I shipped out to bootcamp. That feels like a lifetime ago with how many life-changing events have happened since then. I'd gotten full custody of my daughter less than two weeks before I left home. It was unexpected, and happened so fast that I never really had everything sink in. It was full speed trying to get everything finalized and then, suddenly, it was time to leave. My parents were surprised I was still enlisting after finally getting my daughter, but I felt strongly about what I was doing. I'd sworn an oath, and that meant something. It was still the hardest thing I've ever had to do, saying goodbye to my wife and daughter so soon after we finally got to be a family. 

I learned a lot about myself those first few months, and it's still an ongoing experience every time I get to put on the uniform. I've been extremely fortunate to have had outstanding leadership every step of my journey so far, and every time I've needed help there's been someone to turn to for answers. 

I've said before that my goal for myself that I set while I was still a recruit, was to end up at an NSW command. That first time up in Little Creek was exhilarating despite me being nervous and unsure about what exactly my role was going to be. "I'm almost 40 and I'm still an E-3, what am I doing around all of these legit badasses?" No worry- I was welcome right from the start, and cant say how thankful I am for every opportunity that has come my way. I'll end this with an anecdote, and just say I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. That first PT session, we did something called a "Murph". And as soon as I jumped and grabbed the pull up bar, I'm talking the exact second my hands touched the bar, "More Human Than Human" by White Zombie exploded through the gym speakers. I smiled as I pulled myself up to the bar. ⚓️

U.S. Navy Mass Communication Specialist 2nd Class Christopher Caravello, assigned to SEAL Team 18, holds his frocking letter Jan. 4, 2023, on Joint Expeditionary Base Little Creek–Fort Story (JEBLC-FS) in Virginia Beach, Virginia. Caravello was advanced to E-5 in December. (U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 3rd Class Riley Gasdia)

Today marks two years since I shipped out to bootcamp. That feels like a lifetime ago with how many life-changing events have happened since then. I'd gotten full custody of my daughter less than two weeks before I left home. It was unexpected, and happened so fast that I never really had everything sink in. It was full speed trying to get everything finalized and then, suddenly, it was time to leave. My parents were surprised I was still enlisting after finally getting my daughter, but I felt strongly about what I was doing. I'd sworn an oath, and that meant something. It was still the hardest thing I've ever had to do, saying goodbye to my wife and daughter so soon after we finally got to be a family.

I learned a lot about myself those first few months, and it's still an ongoing experience every time I get to put on the uniform. I've been extremely fortunate to have had outstanding leadership every step of my journey so far, and every time I've needed help there's been someone to turn to for answers.

I've said before that my goal for myself that I set while I was still a recruit, was to end up at an NSW command. That first time up in Little Creek was exhilarating despite me being nervous and unsure about what exactly my role was going to be. "I'm almost 40 and I'm still an E-3, what am I doing around all of these legit badasses?" No worry- I was welcome right from the start, and cant say how thankful I am for every opportunity that has come my way. I'll end this with an anecdote, and just say I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. That first PT session, we did something called a "Murph". And as soon as I jumped and grabbed the pull up bar, I'm talking the exact second my hands touched the bar, "More Human Than Human" by White Zombie exploded through the gym speakers. I smiled as I pulled myself up to the bar. ⚓️
...

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Feb 5

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Beat my 100 mile PR by 4 hours!!!!!
Forgotten Florida 100 in 24:45, finished 20th overall

Beat my 100 mile PR by 4 hours!!!!!
Forgotten Florida 100 in 24:45, finished 20th overall
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Feb 2

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Today I am 8 years sober
(3)So as I sit here and acknowledge this day, I can smile knowing that I will go to bed tonight in the same house as ALL of my family, and wake up tomorrow one day closer to whatever adventure the universe has in store for me.

I didn't arrive here by having everything go right. In fact it went very, very wrong at times. I arrived here Because I finally made the decision to Change.

Photo by my good friend Brandon Stutzman @shotbystutz while we walked the Arizona Trail a week after I finished Moab, talking about the ideal lighting that evening and what drives and motivates us to be the best versions of ourselves.
#Sobriety #addiction

Today I am 8 years sober
(3)So as I sit here and acknowledge this day, I can smile knowing that I will go to bed tonight in the same house as ALL of my family, and wake up tomorrow one day closer to whatever adventure the universe has in store for me.

I didn't arrive here by having everything go right. In fact it went very, very wrong at times. I arrived here Because I finally made the decision to Change.

Photo by my good friend Brandon Stutzman @shotbystutz while we walked the Arizona Trail a week after I finished Moab, talking about the ideal lighting that evening and what drives and motivates us to be the best versions of ourselves.
#Sobriety #addiction
...

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Feb 2

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Today I am 8 years sober
(2) It is like you are stuck. You do the same fucking thing no matter how counterintuitive, self-destructive, and hurtful to your loved ones it is, on repeat. Yes the locations change, the bars you frequent vary, the relationships collapse and reignite with a different cast, but the results don’t. ever.

Until one day it finally does.

One thing I am proud of and I will readily acknowledge as a reason I was able to get sober, is that I always told myself no matter how difficult this situation was, it wasn’t going to be permanent and it was not going to last forever. I spoke that into existence. I never said a single woe-is-me. I think that’s a big component in this. Accepting responsibility and always leaving the door open for optimism.

I am up to 155 pounds now (10 pounds heavier than when I finished Moab a few months ago!). I usually state my weight on these posts because of how gaunt I was during my first year of sobriety. I went through the awful withdrawals, got pretty sick, and also had my 2nd hernia surgery. I was in the 130s and looked like absolute shit. I feel really good at this weight.

📷|@shotbystutz 
#Sobriety #addiction

Today I am 8 years sober
(2) It is like you are stuck. You do the same fucking thing no matter how counterintuitive, self-destructive, and hurtful to your loved ones it is, on repeat. Yes the locations change, the bars you frequent vary, the relationships collapse and reignite with a different cast, but the results don’t. ever.

Until one day it finally does.

One thing I am proud of and I will readily acknowledge as a reason I was able to get sober, is that I always told myself no matter how difficult this situation was, it wasn’t going to be permanent and it was not going to last forever. I spoke that into existence. I never said a single woe-is-me. I think that’s a big component in this. Accepting responsibility and always leaving the door open for optimism.

I am up to 155 pounds now (10 pounds heavier than when I finished Moab a few months ago!). I usually state my weight on these posts because of how gaunt I was during my first year of sobriety. I went through the awful withdrawals, got pretty sick, and also had my 2nd hernia surgery. I was in the 130s and looked like absolute shit. I feel really good at this weight.

📷|@shotbystutz
#Sobriety #addiction
...

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Feb 2

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Today I have been sober for 8 years. 
(1)As I looked down at my son this morning as I held him, the weight of those words were far more of an impact than when I have wrote them the seven years prior. I am a full-time father to two beautiful healthy children and have a wife who has stood by me and supported all of my goals and dreams. I am acutely aware that none of that would be the case if I had never made the decision to Change.

Sometimes people ask me how I knew that I had a problem and what it was like towards the end. My answer is that I never ever acknowledged that I had a problem until it was practically over, and that the end was the same as the beginning. I didn’t drink to drown anything out, it was something that I did almost every single day as routinely as getting out of bed and getting dressed. Good times, bad times, this didn’t matter. I was going to do it no matter what. When it all ended eight years ago, it was like a constricting snake finally had wound so tight around my throat that I had only two choices: to Change, or to die. 

That is a realization that only the recovering addict can describe in full. You simply don’t know how to describe it unless you have been forced to reconcile with that split fork in your life’s journey. Until that moment is upon you, no amount of AA, therapy, intervention, whatever you want to try and do to put a band-aid over this is going to work. Rock Bottom is a unique place that is decorated differently for every soul who finds themselves there. I appreciate the creative, beautiful moments portrayed on social media, I really do. I just think we should also talk openly about the other side of the coin, and that dialogue would if nothing else, let human beings know that they are not alone. Which is a bigger deal than most realize. “The darkness in me recognizes the darkness in you”.

I find it morbidly ironic that today is Groundhog Day. If I had a dollar for every time I sat in AA and heard the phrase, “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result,” then I would have quite a few bucks in my pocket.
📷 |@shotbystutz
#Sobriety #addiction

Today I have been sober for 8 years.
(1)As I looked down at my son this morning as I held him, the weight of those words were far more of an impact than when I have wrote them the seven years prior. I am a full-time father to two beautiful healthy children and have a wife who has stood by me and supported all of my goals and dreams. I am acutely aware that none of that would be the case if I had never made the decision to Change.

Sometimes people ask me how I knew that I had a problem and what it was like towards the end. My answer is that I never ever acknowledged that I had a problem until it was practically over, and that the end was the same as the beginning. I didn’t drink to drown anything out, it was something that I did almost every single day as routinely as getting out of bed and getting dressed. Good times, bad times, this didn’t matter. I was going to do it no matter what. When it all ended eight years ago, it was like a constricting snake finally had wound so tight around my throat that I had only two choices: to Change, or to die.

That is a realization that only the recovering addict can describe in full. You simply don’t know how to describe it unless you have been forced to reconcile with that split fork in your life’s journey. Until that moment is upon you, no amount of AA, therapy, intervention, whatever you want to try and do to put a band-aid over this is going to work. Rock Bottom is a unique place that is decorated differently for every soul who finds themselves there. I appreciate the creative, beautiful moments portrayed on social media, I really do. I just think we should also talk openly about the other side of the coin, and that dialogue would if nothing else, let human beings know that they are not alone. Which is a bigger deal than most realize. “The darkness in me recognizes the darkness in you”.

I find it morbidly ironic that today is Groundhog Day. If I had a dollar for every time I sat in AA and heard the phrase, “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result,” then I would have quite a few bucks in my pocket.
📷 |@shotbystutz
#Sobriety #addiction
...

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Feb 2

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Florida Forest Service Forest Ranger Aaron Haugan watches runners depart the starting line of the Ellie Biscuit 20 mile trail run at the Eastern Lake trailhead Jan. 28, 2023 in Santa Rosa Beach, Florida. Haugan filled in as race director for the event that featured both 20 mile and 10 mile options.

I've known Aaron for five years now, since I moved back to Santa Rosa Beach. We met at a run club and instantly hit it off, which really helped me get back into running. I'd taken 14 months off from running (yes, you read that right!) and I was really struggling to get back into racing shape. It was brutally hard, and frustrating, but Aaron always kept encouraging me even when I couldn't go as far or as fast as he was planning on. I used to send him this meme of an energetic little kid dragging an old hefty dog to get his exercise on (I was the dumpy mutt in the picture). 
Getting to volunteer with Aaron this weekend reminded me about all of this. It's just in his nature to encourage and help others get onto the trails and explore their potential. Now as a forest ranger, he gets to protect and maintain this important part of our local community, a fitting profession for the @beardedjourneyrunner 🧙‍♂️

Florida Forest Service Forest Ranger Aaron Haugan watches runners depart the starting line of the Ellie Biscuit 20 mile trail run at the Eastern Lake trailhead Jan. 28, 2023 in Santa Rosa Beach, Florida. Haugan filled in as race director for the event that featured both 20 mile and 10 mile options.

I've known Aaron for five years now, since I moved back to Santa Rosa Beach. We met at a run club and instantly hit it off, which really helped me get back into running. I'd taken 14 months off from running (yes, you read that right!) and I was really struggling to get back into racing shape. It was brutally hard, and frustrating, but Aaron always kept encouraging me even when I couldn't go as far or as fast as he was planning on. I used to send him this meme of an energetic little kid dragging an old hefty dog to get his exercise on (I was the dumpy mutt in the picture).
Getting to volunteer with Aaron this weekend reminded me about all of this. It's just in his nature to encourage and help others get onto the trails and explore their potential. Now as a forest ranger, he gets to protect and maintain this important part of our local community, a fitting profession for the @beardedjourneyrunner 🧙‍♂️
...

nolecore

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Jan 30

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Ellie Biscuit 20 & 10 miler
This was my first time shooting a race from start to finish, and I can't say thank you enough to Bill at @rotorhead_30a_running_company for giving me the opportunity! Could not have asked for a more perfect morning out on the trails for this event, I ended up running/hiking over 7 miles trying to get the shot locations! It was definitely weird being on the other side of the camera and not running, but being so familiar with the trail system helped plan things out. Best part of the experience was taking photos of so many of my friends who were out doing what they love! To all of the runners, y'all did phenomenal and I hope you're pleased with the photos. It was a big step for me and I know how important capturing those moments are to a lot of runners. There were almost a thousand photos to go through and edit, hats off to all of the professional race photographers I know - your job is harder than anyone gives you credit for!

Ellie Biscuit 20 & 10 miler
This was my first time shooting a race from start to finish, and I can't say thank you enough to Bill at @rotorhead_30a_running_company for giving me the opportunity! Could not have asked for a more perfect morning out on the trails for this event, I ended up running/hiking over 7 miles trying to get the shot locations! It was definitely weird being on the other side of the camera and not running, but being so familiar with the trail system helped plan things out. Best part of the experience was taking photos of so many of my friends who were out doing what they love! To all of the runners, y'all did phenomenal and I hope you're pleased with the photos. It was a big step for me and I know how important capturing those moments are to a lot of runners. There were almost a thousand photos to go through and edit, hats off to all of the professional race photographers I know - your job is harder than anyone gives you credit for!
...

nolecore

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Jan 14

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Maas Coffee Roasters ☕️ 
We took Tallinn to where we "met" (through Instagram!) this morning in FWB. Without that fateful day sitting in this coffee shop when I downloaded the app, we aren't standing here holding our son today! Another crazy twist, Whitney had been in the shop a few months before and helped the barista working set up their Instagram account 👻
@maascoffee @whittyybabyy

Maas Coffee Roasters ☕️
We took Tallinn to where we "met" (through Instagram!) this morning in FWB. Without that fateful day sitting in this coffee shop when I downloaded the app, we aren't standing here holding our son today! Another crazy twist, Whitney had been in the shop a few months before and helped the barista working set up their Instagram account 👻
@maascoffee @whittyybabyy
...

nolecore

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Jan 12

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Daddy's home from the Creek!
Walking out of the house the morning I left for Little Creek was the hardest thing I've done in a long time. Even knowing I wouldn't be gone for very long still didn't keep the emotions rising in my chest. To anyone serving and has had to leave home and leave their family, my respect for you is immense. I don't know if I could leave him knowing he wouldn't look the same when I returned. These are joyous days I get to spend with him while he's a newborn, I didn't get to experience these with my daughter. I know what it's like to miss these moments with your children, hats off to those making these sacrifices ⚓️

Daddy's home from the Creek!
Walking out of the house the morning I left for Little Creek was the hardest thing I've done in a long time. Even knowing I wouldn't be gone for very long still didn't keep the emotions rising in my chest. To anyone serving and has had to leave home and leave their family, my respect for you is immense. I don't know if I could leave him knowing he wouldn't look the same when I returned. These are joyous days I get to spend with him while he's a newborn, I didn't get to experience these with my daughter. I know what it's like to miss these moments with your children, hats off to those making these sacrifices ⚓️
...

nolecore

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Jan 4

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Over the past few years I've had different titles and ranks. The most important one will always be, "father". I have both of my children with me, 100%, and This. Means. Everything.

Over the past few years I've had different titles and ranks. The most important one will always be, "father". I have both of my children with me, 100%, and This. Means. Everything. ...

nolecore

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Dec 23

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Tallinn Ruun Caravello 
12.17.2022
From the moment I held him, my life changed. This is my first chance to be a full-time parent of a newborn, and it was a surreal moment leaving the hospital knowing that I was going home to my own house with my wife and children. Every day this week I've gotten to wake up (more like woken up by 😆) and see this tiny human and its like Christmas every day 🎄

Tallinn Ruun Caravello
12.17.2022
From the moment I held him, my life changed. This is my first chance to be a full-time parent of a newborn, and it was a surreal moment leaving the hospital knowing that I was going home to my own house with my wife and children. Every day this week I've gotten to wake up (more like woken up by 😆) and see this tiny human and its like Christmas every day 🎄
...

nolecore

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Dec 18

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Birth Day
December 17, 2022

Birth Day
December 17, 2022
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nolecore

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Dec 16

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Due Date -1
12/15/2022
He's still not ready to come into the world. We'll see what happens tomorrow. 🤰
📸|@chelseastricklandphoto

Due Date -1
12/15/2022
He's still not ready to come into the world. We'll see what happens tomorrow. 🤰
📸|@chelseastricklandphoto
...

nolecore

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Dec 15

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Due Date
12/14/2022
This milestone is a unique one. We've had this date circled for nearly 9 months, yet it's now come and gone with no changes. Little Prince, you are officially late! 🤰
📸| @chelseastricklandphoto

Due Date
12/14/2022
This milestone is a unique one. We've had this date circled for nearly 9 months, yet it's now come and gone with no changes. Little Prince, you are officially late! 🤰
📸| @chelseastricklandphoto
...

nolecore

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Nov 27

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Walked around with this ridiculous mustache past 2 days and FSU & U DUB both won, so obviously I'm never shaving it sorry Chief #BowDownToWashington ☔️🐺🍎 #GoNoles

Walked around with this ridiculous mustache past 2 days and FSU & U DUB both won, so obviously I'm never shaving it sorry Chief #BowDownToWashington ☔️🐺🍎 #GoNoles ...

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