The dog in this photo is named Miracle. He was hit by several cars in an accident last week while he was wandering around a neighborhood. They don’t know if he will make it. But they do know he has been declared dead three times already, and each time risen back and continues to try and walk among us. The dogs I see at PAWS are all like Miracle. Each trying to stave off the end game, and run and play one last time until, hopefully, someone rescues them from this hell. It hurts to see these creatures on the brink like this, but the genuine excitement and happiness in their demeanor when we take them out to walk and exercise is pretty much a cure all to whatever bullshit is going wrong in your day. I feel like I am at that point in my marriage struggle where all that can be said and done on my end has been put out in the open and acted upon in a very positive manner. The road to joy and endless fulfillment has been shone down upon. The choice is easy yet at the same time difficult. When the grass is cut, the snakes will show.

I learned today that canoeing just doesn’t come naturally to me. The entire first half of the trip I was worried about getting the two of them impaled by all the branches and logs I was crashing into. We drove about an hour to a little town called Vernon, north of Panama City. Samm had sent me a text message last weekend with all these photos of the fresh water springs up there. At first I had thought it was some tropical place in South America because of how blue and exotic the water looked. When I learned that it was so close to where we lived, I suggested we take a day trip sometime to check it out. We weren’t disappointed. Although chilly, the water was crystal clear, and even baby blue in some deep spots. The farther the river wound, the more obstacles we seemed to encounter. So my canoe skills had no choice but to improve if we wanted any chance at getting back in one piece. After a few trials and errors, I got it. Going in unison with Samm and pushing the paddle forward against the current to get us to slow down or turn ended up making this a lot easier. Amazingly enough, we made it back to shore about a minute before a torrential downpour began. Our day trip was saved.

A marriage is a lot like this canoeing experience. We have to work together and and in harmony in order to get where we want to go together. If not, we will just spend our time speeding out of control and crashing into things. We have a plan, and as long as we both are on the same page and working together honestly, we can make this work. Finally I feel like I am getting the reassurances I need in order to feel comfortable in this relationship again. The attentiveness, sweetness, and genuine love I felt from my wife today was what I have been longing for, for a long time.

When your life turns into these trials that challenge you every single day, the days that follow after “good” days are sometimes hard to take emotionally. You just finally had something to cherish and inspire you, so what happens next is going to struggle to measure up. Today was one of those days and its almost like it is chemical, the effects this is having on my brain and body. I woke up next to my beautiful wife. It was like pulling teeth to force myself to leave her side. I guess when your day begins with you literally laying next to the thing you want the most, your brain is going to be scrambling to keep itself grounded. The thing that has to be remembered on days like this, is that there are two other people involved in this family equation. Obviously, my soulmate next to me had to wake up and probably encounter the same things I did. We have both gone through so many ups and so many more downs lately that it would be selfish of me to only think that I was going through all of these kinds of feelings. The other person is much more defenseless and requires both of us to sweep these struggles aside so that she is taken care of: Cali. She wanted to make pancakes. She wanted to jump into the pool. She doesn’t understand daddy and ema doing this dance ritual of confusion every single day, nor should she at her age. She loves us both. So it was time to whip up some flapjacks and jump into that damn pool with a smile on my face, and that is exactly how we spent this morning. Later on we went back over to my wife’s place to go with her to the doctors. This event showed me some very unexpected emotions. Not unexpected in the fact that I care about my wife’s health and any doctor visit should come with a little bit of worry, but I wasn’t prepared to be so overwhelmed with concern while I was in that doctors office. I almost freaked out to be honest. When we were walking to the car afterwards, it was her holding my hand and giving me the hug to let me know things would be fine. I guess I learned today just how helpless you can feel in that sort of situation when your loved ones are going up against something as serious as health. Luckily, the person I was going with to support was strong enough to support me too.

Sorry I’m late. Last night got a little crazy and I still haven’t set up things on my phone. But without further ado, here is Day 7. And wow what a wonderful day it was. I guess anyone following this day to day probably thinks after my last post things might have been strained at best between my wife and I. For whatever reason, we have always been drawn close when things are in the most danger of falling completely apart for good. Its a wall I hope we don’t have to hit in the future. Pretty much the minute I posted that and walked out of my lab to go home, things started to happen. She texted me to tell me she was coming over to talk after work, that she didn’t want to lose me. At that point, I had nothing to lose by hearing her out so I said why not. Things just finally kind of melted down the moment she walked into the door. She smiled. I smiled. “What am I going to do with you?”, I asked as I drew her in for a hug. There were some final barriers we had to cross together, and to show one another we were maturing past the blow ups we had become accustomed to. The old Chris? Yeah the house would have been a wreck and he would have been running around spitting nails. I can talk about things now. I can listen now. Anger doesn’t dictate my actions past an unhealthy point of no return. It was a toxic way to live, and I am never going back to that.

So carrying over into the next day were these positive vibes of progress. I had always planned on getting her these pretty diamond earrings that she liked, I just kept putting it off until the time seemed right. Well it was feeling like this was a different day. Blind of faith, just do it. I ended up getting the pair bigger than the ones I had intended to get her. As I was driving out of the mall parking lot, she called me, and said something that made me proud to be her husband. I won’t get into the details, but it shows how far we have both come to get to a point where she can trust me with anything and everything, and opening up to me really let me know that I was doing the right thing. These earrings are just “things” but every once in a while its good to do something nice to put a smile on her face. And when its the most beautiful smile in the world, who wouldn’t want more of those?

Ok so here are the guidelines for doing the most romantic thing of all time, which is what I did. We met at the dog park to let Maple play, and when we walked towards the coffee shop I stopped her in front of a window and asked her to tell me what she saw in the reflection. “Us”, she told me. I asked her to close her eyes and put my phone on the table in front of her and pushed play on a video I always keep of us saying “I do” and walking down the aisle at our wedding. “Even when things go out of sight, just know that I love you”, I whispered into her ear. I put my arms around her, opened the box with the earrings, and told her to open her eyes. The look of absolute shock, then elation, was worth everything I had gone through. Sometimes we all just need to be swept off of our feet.

We ended up getting coffee and talking some more about what was going on, and I finally got some closure. We could go forward. Finally. That night was the perfect ending for our day as we spent it with some good friends that we have had since we met, it really restored some normalcy I felt like. And the coolest thing about all of it was that we fell back into each other like we had never been apart. Things wen’t well into the night and early morning, which I guess means I will have to talk about it on my next day. Adios.

There comes a point when you just have to put up walls. You want to protect yourself, and your child, from the choices that others are making that aren’t in anyone’s best interests. I went to see our marriage counselor today, alone, because she was feeling nausea for some reason. Guess martinis and sushi aren’t the winning combo we all thought it was. It ended up being a very beneficial meeting, and I though a lot of things were starting to make sense in all of this, but one challenge remained, and still remains, in my life. When am I going to say I that I am walking away? Not out of spite or malice, but for love of my child, myself, and ultimately my spouse. I can’t be an enabler. I don’t agree with this separation at this point because I see it being counter productive. And not for the reasons previously listed. I do LOVE the time we spend together as a couple and as a family. Photos speak a thousand words, and anyone and everyone can see how happy we all are together. Its been wonderful lately. But unfortunately, there are things going on behind the scenes that are inhibiting us from taking the next step towards reconciliation and reuniting for good. I was in the bathroom talking about how I could help out with some financials during our time apart, which of course I am more than willing to do to a point, when the most heartbreaking bullshit happened. DING. A text message arrives on her cell phone and I just happen to be standing right next to it. Something to the effect of “Hey babe I love you”. What?

Ok. Its time to put up a chain link fence. You can see me. I can see you. You can talk to me. I can talk to you. But this is my space, my child lives in my space, and I have been extremely hurt by what has been going on. This fence is up to protect me. You cannot come into this space, I need to heal.