“Most people would rather be certain they’re miserable, than risk being happy.”
– Robert Anthony

We moved onto the beach this past month. It is one of the best decisions that I have made I believe. Just to hear the waves every morning and every night. I feel like I can relax and think to myself. There is a therapeutic quality gained by being near the water and sunrise over it. I used to come out here a lot when I was alone and coming to grips with sobriety. Even in full work attire, I would come down to the water and watch the sun set over it, usually just listening to the waves like they were a living, breathing thing that I could communicate with through my thoughts. Anyone weighted down by sadness and disappointment should attempt to spend time near any body of water. That being said, it is definitely a place for anyone to be, regardless of your state of mind.

I tried to pinpoint where it all changed, when I woke up and was in this clear state of mind that I currently am in. There really was not any specific event or day in my life where it all of the sudden just “clicked” into place. I just got out of bed each day, went to work, went to meetings and rehab, tried to stay active and never, ever let “never going to get better” thoughts creep into my head. Even if I recited some of the worst parts of my experiences to myself or to anyone else, I forced myself to end it with something to the affect of “but I know this isn’t it, there is a chance to get better”. And sure enough, it did get better.

Wallace J. Nichols, a marine biologist, believes that we all have a “blue mind” — as he puts it, “a mildly meditative state characterized by calm, peacefulness, unity, and a sense of general happiness and satisfaction with life in the moment” — that’s triggered when we’re in or near water.

One thing I remember vividly about the past decade or so of my life as a self destructive alcoholic was wallowing in self pity. I absolutely stopped doing that before things changed in my life. Taking initiative and responsibility in a physical manifestation was going to AA and rehab/counseling. The internal version, the one no once could see except for me, was changing my mindset on how I viewed the problems in my life. Throwing yourself on a sword and martyring yourself isn’t going to change anything in a positive manner. Hell, I am sure that if I read back through this blog I would see examples of my backwards growth all throughout the early stages of it. People will feel sorry for you. They might enable you. You aren’t going to experience any positive growth unless you make the changes inside your mind and display them outwards onto your everyday life.

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”
– Søren Kierkegaard

One year ago, I messaged her. I was new to Instagram, and from my first impressions, it wasn’t the same type of social interaction that some of the other platforms provided. Lots of artistically presented photography, some with specific descriptions and hashtags, others just presented as is. Something about her though just caught my attention to the point where I wanted to try and communicate.

*POOF*

I know this sounds cliche and a dull summary, given what’s happened, but I really cannot believe it’s only been a year. We’ve both grown so much, alongside one another, the twists and turns to our journey together seems impossible to navigate within the confines of a single year. I have heard the saying about how painful it is to meet someone you love at the wrong time in your life. I have now lived the part where you meet someone you love at the absolute right time in your life. Both of us went through some tremendous disappointments and upheavals prior to meeting one another, yet I feel that the time we spent immediately after these disappointments, working on ourselves, oblivious to each other’s existence, that made it possible for that “right time” to come to fruition. Had we met immediately after these events, there is no doubt that we’d have missed out on a lot. I was not ready to have someone like her care about me, I would have not known how to cherish it and reciprocate.

We have had our bumps. Human beings will always have a few rough paths to tread while coexisting, probably more so when that path leads towards a relationship. In terms of someone having the patience and grace to be there for someone getting sober, I could not have envisioned being with anyone more supportive. She did not give up on me.

Yesterday I was driving up to Mossy Head and got to take in one of the picturesque sunsets this region gets to enjoy. The clouds went from dark to light blue and into dying pastels. Just when I thought I had seen its entirety, the road curved and the landscape to opened up to reveal where the sun itself was, setting behind some clouds, creating the image of an inferno sinking into the horizon. You could watch this every single evening, anywhere in the world, and be treated to a different performance each time. No two sunsets are the same, from the very first one at the beginning of time on this planet, to its last, whenever that time may come. I appreciate that. Every day is unique and an opportunity. I appreciate the journey thus far, even the hard times. If that is what it took to arrive here then it was the path that I was meant to tread.

“I think that hate is a feeling that can only exist where there is no understanding.”
– Tennessee Williams

Like a lot of people, I went to bed last night not knowing what to expect when the sun came up today. What other jarring news would await the nation when the day began, and what other horrific act would be occurring before it ended. There seems to be a storm cloud hanging over the country these days, more so than usual, although I think its a valid point made that perhaps things are just more visible than ever now. Was it always this awful? Or are there just more cameras now. There is a lot of anger being expressed. There is a lot of sadness. A lot of people are disappointed.

Each week seems to bring another issue to the forefront of our news feeds, be it via social media, the television, internet, or the water cooler at work. Religious extremist one week, the upcoming election the next, shelving the refugee crisis in Europe for a slow news day. No matter what, trouble is always brewing.

The emotions these situations elicit from our society seem to be a hard stance, no matter which “side” of the issue you fall on. There will always be varying points of views, on every one of the issues that come up. That is a fact of life. The thing that has begun to stick out to me is just how the differing in opinion is displayed now days. There seems to be this over the top mistrust in those that believe something different than ourselves. Do we really hate those that disagree with us? Was there always this level of venom towards the other side of the room? I have seen it from both sides of nearly every issue that has come up. I would like to know if that is truly the case, if the written out malice for an argument is hatred. Hating amongst people that don’t personally know one another, never will see one another’s face, never were subjected to anything more than a difference of opinion. History is littered with acts resulting from hatred, none more puzzling than those resulting from comments made in a digital forum.

Going abroad has given an added dimension to how societies react towards conflicts and issues, I am glad for that. Sometimes I think it makes me detached, not necessarily in a bad way. I love this country, and I am thankful for the opportunity being a born and raised citizen here has afforded me and my daughter. That being said, it seems that as a the days go by, I worry more and more that there is going to be so many more pitfalls my daughter will have to navigate to stay safe and enjoy a successful life here. I am sure a lot of other parents at some point during the past 24 hours have stopped and thought, “what do I tell my child?“…

“There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.”
– Ernest Hemingway

Three years ago on this night, I gave up. It just felt like at the time, there was no end to the every day anguish. So I tried to take my own life. Wrapped a chain into a figure eight, put one end around a door knob, put the other around my throat, got on my knees on the other side of the door and lurched forward.

I never told anyone about what happened. When I woke up on the bathroom floor with ugly purple marks around my neck, I cried. I was confused, ashamed, and at the same time, numb. It wasn’t what I would call “rock bottom” for me, just a moment in time when I was under the influence in a summer full of nights that ended in frustration and depression. I don’t know what prompted me to do it either, instead of any other night. They were all awful back then.

Looking back, I would say what happened on that night is a comparison on how I handled things as an alcoholic and then again last summer as a sober person. I was simply overwhelmed by the things that kept happening every day three years ago. It was like they guided my hands that night, demons filtering out of my foggy mind and showing me a way out. For weeks afterwards, I felt a tightness in my throat and would cough randomly. I was asked if I had gotten into a fight and been strangled. The outward marks were bad, but on the inside was where I was reeling.

…the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) reveals suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States, with addicts being six times more likely to take their own lives.

Probably the main thing I see get brought up by people when talking about suicide is the family and loved ones left suffering. I can’t imagine the pain I would have caused my family if that had occurred. Giving up on myself would have meant giving up on my daughter, something that in my sober state of mind I cannot comprehend. There was so much left to accomplish and achieve in my life. Three years is a long time certainly, in terms of working on yourself and taking things one day at a time, but still just a drop in the ocean in the grand scheme of life. I love my life and I love where I’m at and where I am going. I love the people in my life on a daily basis, and the time I have gotten to spend with my child has been a joy that gets more meaningful every time we see one another.
I had a death in my family this week that really just lays out how fragile a life is and how sudden it can be ripped away from you. One of my cousins was hit by a car while bike riding up in New York. Head on, car just came across a lane of traffic and it was over. I could go down the list saying how much she had going for her, but lets just say she was one of the most accomplished young people that I know. You work your entire life being a wonderful example to everyone around you, and then its gone in an instant. You, are gone in an instant. Some get no choice in that.
To anyone going through the lows in life, I understand that it may seem hopeless. I want you to know that there is nothing permanent in it though. You don’t have to know exactly where it is that you’re going, all I ask is that you believe in an existence that is better than what you are currently in. It is there if you examine yourself and work on the spots that are your problematic sources of grief. The person I am today would never get to the point the person three years ago was in because I will never let the things and people near enough to me to cause those kinds of problems in my life again.
Your journey isn’t even close to being finished yet, you’ll be arriving somewhere but not here.

I came not to send peace, but a sword… – Matthew 10:34

…and I … I have made WAR. – The True Mayhem

Yesterday, on a Friday, I drove to Tallahassee to deal with the Department of Revenue once and for all, face to face.

Once I got the address right, I headed to the location without an appointment (because they do not do appointments). I had gone through the usual revolving door of phone calls with absolutely no luck and no calls back, despite being promised a phone call as soon as there was an update on my case. Each time I called, there ended up being a different part to the story added in by whoever I was happening to speak to at that time. The last time I called, that Monday, I was able to get on the line with a supervisor. Even they seemed confused at first when they first brought up the case on their computer. The one consistent aspect of this situation is that every single time I called, the Department of Revenue phone operator always agreed that this was all done in error and that they had no right nor proper instruction from the courts to garnish my wages. This time, the supervisor told me that they would “send my case over to the local office and request the Income Withholding order be rescinded”. That local office, was of course all the way in Tallahassee.

As I drove through the maze of streets that is Tallahassee’s downtown district, I noticed all of the various state agencies buildings, and of course, law offices. The law offices all look like refurbished homes, very quaint and nice. I actually really enjoy that style of architecture found throughout the deep South, usually accompanied by tall trees with moss hanging down from the branches. When I turned onto the street with the Department of Revenue, I drove right by it. It was not what I expected at all. The location near my house, which is in Crestview, is actually not that old and at least is spacious enough to accommodate a room full of people waiting to speak to a case worker. This one in Tallahassee was shrouded in trees, had posters and flyers in varying states of peeling and cracking, and for the most part was a very unassuming building. There was nothing that told me I was in the right place except for the writing across the one door visible from the parking lot. CHILD SUPPORT ENFORCEMENT.

I walked in, several documents in hand, and went up to the counter. After giving some basic information, the clerk told me to have a seat. There was no number to take or any way to gauge where I was in line. The building had a very narrow hallway that went in both directions and lined with the booths that you would be called to sit at, and then the waiting room. It looked like it hadn’t been cleaned or vacuumed in quite some time. None of this bothered me, they are merely observation. There were two other people in the room with me, a teenager whose mother was meeting with a case worker, and a large gentleman who came in right after me. Immediately, he struck up a conversation with the teen and asked him how his grades were and if he did any sports. It was a very positive conversation to overhear, this guy genuinely seemed to want to impart a life lesson and any advice he could while he was here waiting. I guess it put me at ease as well, we’re all stuck in a situation of varying similarity and the important thing at the end of the day is that the children are taken care of. After the teen left with his mother, the gentleman turned to me and said, “I’d like to make sure that any young person that I meet doesn’t have to make the same mistakes that I did, except for the ones they are meant to learn from”. As soon as he said that, my name was called.

I sat down in front of the glass window separating me from the case worker that would be talking to me today, a Mrs. Morris. I had prepared myself to recount the situation at hand in a basic and thorough way that didn’t say too much at once, so we could slowly piece together what was going on. The previous visits I had made to the Crestview office always were very awkward and even hostile at the beginning of them, as I would barely be able to hold back my frustration, while someone brand new to my situation tried to play catch up and make sense of it all. This time was very calm, very quiet, and I felt a level of patience that I have never felt before when dealing with them. I absolutely credit this to me being sober now, there is no way I would have had the ability to sit through this and stay calm before. When I was still drinking and put in encounters like these, I would describe myself as having a lit fuse sticking out of the back of my head, burning down towards an explosion.

Eventually we got caught up and on the same page, and she called her supervisor in to speak with us. They both agreed this was an egregious error, started back in 2013 when they first became involved with my child support payments. To this day, we will never know how someone was convinced to enter in my information wrong and set up an income withdrawal without me being served with a court order. The bottom line is that this was never truly rectified two years ago. The supervisor came back out five minutes later after reading through all of the notes for my case that had been taken down each time I had called. He let me read through them and that is when he dropped the bombshell on me that contradicted what I had been told EVERY SINGLE TIME I HAD CALLED PREVIOUSLY. On June 3rd, one day after I had noticed my paycheck being short started trying to fix this mess, the Department of Revenue paid my daughters mother BOTH payments that they had received from my paycheck and my bank account. A grand total of over $1,400. She never said a word. After I had made her aware of the situation and the errors the day before. Just kept the money and kept her mouth shut. Disappointing. Surprising? Hell no. So instead of a “surplus” amount of money that might go towards my July payment, my account had a balance of zero dollars.

The supervisor and case worker went over all of the options we had and decided that getting the income withholding order cancelled would be the quickest resolution, and cover me for any future grief should someone claim they weren’t paid the following month of July. I was instructed to not make a payment in July as the Clerk of Court would be alerted of the discrepancy in the amounts. They also told me they would place an “override” on my child support case, preventing any income withholding orders from being sent out in the future. This was not done two years ago and they told me that was the reason this happened again, in short. Mrs. Morris would be notifying the Clerk of Court of the error, and making sure that the order cancellation went through and sent to my company by the end of next week. Also, going against everything that has happened previously with other case workers, both her and her supervisor gave me their direct phone numbers and also promised to call me every step of the way to ensure this was handled before July and that I would know the status of the situation. I thanked Mrs. Morris multiple times and told her how much I appreciated her help and finally giving me a resolution to this very frustrating and drawn out experience. It is a helpless feeling going through something like this and having every attempt to move forward, turn into a step backwards. I am thankful that Tallahassee is a close enough drive to where I could try and handle things in person. There are 9 more years of this custody situation, and hopefully they are without incident as far as the child support goes. I accept that, it is the way things are. I do not wish to speak to any of these people ever again and do not plan on being the cause of any reason for them to interfere with my case. Leave me alone to raise my daughter in peace. I consider this the end of a chapter in my life and I am done thinking about it.

That drive up Capital Circle towards the highway with my windows down and music loud was one of the most liberating feelings of my entire life.