What comes around follows and the truth becomes harder to swallow…

Today marks one full year of being sober. I have said that out loud a few times today. This past year has been a blur at times, with so many parts of it sectioned off and different from what came before and what came after. The decision to get sober paved the way for all of those rapid changes through all of the ups and downs. Being short sighted kept me from seeing what this stage in my life would look and feel like, although I think it was more about not getting ahead of myself. I had a lot on my plate, namely working on a lot of my flaws, accepting the mistakes I made, and showing remorse.

I made this video when I was 3 months sober. In it, you can hear me describing what I was going through to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I spoke about accepting what had happened up to that point, namely my fiancé leaving me, and how I understood that this was what had to happen in my life. Less than two hours after this, she contacted me after a month of total silence. At the time, I looked at what had just happened as a sign.

Of course, she ended up leaving again, which was a painful experience and caused a lot of questions and self doubt to arise. “What was the point of all of this” and endless thoughts about why she came back at all filled my head at the time. Now I look at what happened as being part of the biggest growth I made as a person this past year. A challenge in staying sober is coping with situations that would have caused you much angst prior to getting sober. Whereas before you would turn to drugs and alcohol for a coping mechanism, now you are left dealing with things head on, often while still struggling with the fact you are no longer chemically dependent. This “answer to my prayers” type of moment and the subsequent plunge back into disappointment ended up being the ultimate test to my sobriety and forced me to ask myself if I was serious about living this type of life and the changes that absolutely had to be made no matter what. Life just doesn’t flip a switch and become perfect just because you have made the choice to be sober. It does, however, become a challenge that you can handle in a way that will allow you to grow and learn from. Her coming back and then leaving was just the universe’s way of guiding me on my path. I had gotten sober for her. I stayed sober for me and the people I cared about that were still in my life, especially my daughter. From there it was a matter of staying in motion. Getting healthy again, both physically and mentally. I sought out counseling and went to rehab. Whenever I felt like I needed to give myself a reality check, I went to AA. Sometime along the way, after six months of sobriety had gone by, things had become different. I had put to rest a lot of demons, and after each one was slain, I felt a little better. I got rid of some toxic people and situations. I had changed enough to where I could start to appreciate little things in my life. I took up yoga. Started paddle boarding with my daughter. Woke up every day with a resolve that it was going to be a good day. Sure, I still had plenty of bumps along the way. The difference was that I could finally handle them then and there and not let them knock me down completely.

The lesson will always be wasted if you cannot learn from your mistakes. We’re all capable of making mistakes. Sometimes, these mistakes are enormous. Eventually, if your family, friends, or the law wont call you out on them, the universe will. I did a lot of damage, made a lot of mistakes, and they cost me dearly. I could sit here all day writing them out and saying how much regret that I had. If there are people you need to apologize to, do it. Even if things cannot be salvaged or rectified, don’t leave a situation smoldering or the people that cared about you believing they weren’t worthy of your true character. (I would like to actually write this out and apologize profusely for showing up at my ex’s parents house completely out of my mind wasted, having drove both of us across town to get there. That was one of the most embarrassing nights of my life looking back and I never said that I was sorry for it). You will need these humbling moments of humility going forward, and showing an ability to admit when you were wrong and apologize is something everyone needs. I’m still trying to get better at this. I am going to stop here and attempt to drive home one last thought. My life now, is better than I could have ever imagined it being. I cannot say this is how I always dreamed things could be like, because I couldn’t get out of my own way enough to even fathom any of this. I wake up every single day feeling fortunate and appreciative of an opportunity to live out a fulfilling day. I smile SO MUCH NOW!!!!! 

A very important person is by my side now and I thank her so much for being a supportive and positive bastion of love and strength. I know with a certainty that I could never have been in a healthy relationship like I am now, if I had not made the ultimate choice to become who I was meant to be. This journey is in some ways just beginning and I am looking forward to going through these doors that have finally opened.

At the end of our time, kiss my ashes goodbye

Sometimes, whether it be in passing by or news passing on, you get a glimpse into whatever situation or life you were living before. You can look at it as a grim reminder or reaffirmation that you made the right (or wrong) choice. There are people I have had with me that go and seek this out, keeping tabs and measuring themselves up to whatever it is they left behind. I try not to do this. That being said, in this age of constant communications, it can be inevitable. I recently had some insight into the life of someone that used to be a part of mine, and needless to say, it wasn’t pleasant news. Nor was it a surprise.

I am not a cruel person. I didn’t feel any sort of justification or satisfaction that this person was still experiencing the same sort of difficulties in their life. The only thing I can say about it, is that I felt fortunate that my own life isn’t in that same cycle of chaos and disappointment. I try and learn from all of the mistakes that I made, and acknowledge that it all could have been a lot worse. Someone could have gotten really hurt or killed, ended up in jail, or any other sort of awful situation that could arise from living a life on the brink of disaster. I think that if you are going to finally stop repeating, going one step forward two steps backwards through life, you have to be able to accept that you may be your own worst enemy. Playing the victim or pining for answers is going to get you nowhere and nothing. The best thing I ever did was acknowledge all of my problems and accept that I was the cause of them. I was in certain situations before because I used to be attracted to certain kinds of people, and my own issues compounded things and brought about oblivion for myself.

I am the happiest that I have ever been in my entire life and I am very fortunate to be where I am at. I want to continue on the path that I am on and have a fulfilling life. Getting a glimpse back and seeing that the fires I walked out of are still smoldering just makes me thankful that I was able to change.

Freedom will cost you the mask you have on…the mask that feels so comfortable not because it fits so well but because you have been wearing it for so long.

Not every piece of advice or knowledge is taken properly when we receive them. Some of the best books I’ve ever read sat collecting dust on my bookshelf until I finally picked them up. And unfortunately, some of the most correct words of wisdom that were passed into me went unneeded for time until it sunk in. I think for me personally it was partially about finding it out for myself. A more adult (maybe haha) version of touching the stove top even though I was warned beforehand about it being hot. I just had to see for myself. The biggest difference so far as a sober individual is learning from my mistakes and filing away those lessons, instead of being doomed to repeat them again.

Sometimes we painfully have to accept that not all relationships last forever. We hold on while they trudge on in misery, or we hold on after they have died, clutching onto the hope and memories of happier times. Some relationships are toxic and there’s absolutely nothing to be gained from them, no growths experienced. Just hurt. Others do have a purpose despite their endings. I think this is how we grow and move towards a healthier version of ourselves. It’s hard to pick out those diamonds when all we focus on is hurt and disappointment. Time has to pass for that cloud to dissipate. Then when it clears enough, we can find that silver lining and be thankful that goodness came from our time spent with that person.
My silver lining is pretty prolific to myself. I know how bad off and self destructive I was before. I know the cycle I was repeating over and over. I know alcohol was playing a huge role in that. Thankfully, I met someone that changed all of that. I’m sad that it ended with them. I am sad about some of the fallout that occured because of how it ended. However, I’d be an absolute fool to overlook and not be graciously aware that I’m a much better person and in a much better reality from having been in that relationship. It wasn’t the permanent partnership we both envisioned but it absolutely had a permanent affect on my life. I’m really thankful for where I’m at and where I’m going.
The greatest human quest is to know what one must do in order to become a human being.