I am beginning to think early morning phone calls are an omen of good times. I was in the shower when the phone rang. It was her. Things had cooled down since yesterday and we made sure the focus of things (after some apologies of course) were turned to our daughter. A few pancakes and a Dogasaurus walk later, we were on our way to see her. She of course looked dropped dead gorgeous, and I begrudgingly left Cal with her and set off for work. Which is a challenge in itself. Just concentrating on reading my emails is a hurculean task these days I am so distracted. I was hoping that I could eventually dive into my work and just take my mind off of this emotional hurricane that has taken over my life, but to be honest, that hasn’t happened. So it was back to the grind to force myself to stay gainfully employed despite everything going on. Luckily, today had a good surprise in store for me. Early morning phone calls folks, I’m telling you. She took me out to lunch, which was awesome. Just to top it all off, she had her nails done with baby blue polish…just..the..way..I…love it. Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Let me tell you something, there is one surefire way to get sparks shooting out of my ears, lasers shooting out of my eyes, and my tongue rolling out of my mouth onto the ground. Baby blue. Anything. First week we dated she bought herself and baby blue bikini that drives me crazy. So seeing her little hand with those nails pretty much blew my face off. I’m trying to stay grounded in reality so there are other things I am trying to take from today that are of substance and value. She took really good care of our daughter and spent a few hours with her at the doctors, and I could tell Cal was really enjoying her time together when I saw them. It was a good day. A good day to get better.
Day 4: Breakfast in Dread
It was fitting that our boat plans got ruined by a thunderstorm. At first we didn’t mind, laying in each others arms while the rain pounded on the windows. I finally drug myself from my mate’s embrace and went downstairs to take care of the pups and our daughter. 20 mins later I was back upstairs, balancing a plate full of fruit and pancakes, a hot coffee cup and a cup of OJ. Breakfast in bed, a nice surprise well worth the bright eyed smile on her face when I popped back into the room. It was something that I guess seemed like a pipe dream just a few weeks ago. Ten minutes later that’s all it was, and we were fighting over something that certainly didn’t deserve to ruin our perfect day. I wont get into the details, and I am sure it is just a product of anxiety, but never the less, it left me with tears and despair. We should have been out on our boat laughing and smiling. Instead, we were exchanging solemn kisses goodbye under a downpour. You can only do so much before it comes to the point where the other person has to show they are fully committed to what it is you are trying to accomplish. Now its 9:24 PM and after a few pointless text messages earlier in the day probably sent just to make sure I was still even willing to speak, I am sitting in my office second guessing myself and worried about my better half. Is she upset? Is she sad? Depressed? At this point everything that needed to be said has already been spoken. If anything, I just wish I could give her a hug. My daughter asked if her ema (Estonian for “mother”) is going to come sleep in her bed with her tonight. I left the downstairs light on. Come home Samm. Your family needs you. And whether you know it or not, you are going to need them too.
Day 3: PAWS
I went to volunteer orientation at the Panhandle Animal Welfare Society (PAWS) today. My wife volunteers here and used to go quite often. She found a rescue dog she fell in love with, who of course is our lovable little dog Maple. She always talked about how good it made her feel coming up there and helping the animals and making sure they were getting enough love and attention. She is an animal lover and sometimes she cried because seeing some of the animals suffering made her absolutely devastated. I used to give her grief for going so often when she could have been working and making money. I didn’t care about all of the great work she was doing and couldn’t appreciate her reasoning for going. Sounds like a real jerk doesn’t it? I look back at that and wow do I feel revolted at the thought of how I used to be. Not only towards my beautiful kind wife, but just in general. Doing things for other people or other living things is one of the most rewarding things we can do. And yes of course we all need a paycheck to accomplish some of the things we are trying to do, but when that becomes our driving motivation for everything then wow have we lost sight of things. There were several couples there volunteering together and it made me kind of depressed honestly. That should have been us. Samm was pretty surprised when I told her I was doing this yesterday. She asked if I was doing it for her, or for myself. I guess its the latter, but I chose to do this at PAWS because yes I know how much this place has meant to her and of course I want her to see my changes applied to something she holds dear. It certainly wont stop there though. The days half done but when you FINALLY get to wake up next to your wife, child, and two dogs, then you are going to accomplish something worthwhile.
Day 2: From Cali, With Love
I woke up randomly at 5:23 AM for some strange reason. I literally looked at the clock and said out loud ‘why am I awake?”. I had my answer about 30 seconds later. My phone went off with a text message. Without even looking at the phone, I knew it was her. My soulmate. In tune. An early morning moment. We would go on to spend the entire day together, and as I look to my left, there she is reading our daughter a bedtime story by Dr Seuss. Beautiful. It was an amazingly unexpected day, and I guess that is where the beauty lies. We can just pick up together, yet its all different now. Its not the same, and we still haven’t reached the level romantically but that is not the point. Its about building, not necessarily rebuilding. Its a slow steady process, but with days like these, its hard to complain. Its a sunflower field with the twilight streaming through the stalks, and a wonderful little girl jumping into a woman’s arms care free and happy. That is life. That is family. And that is true happiness.
Dear friends in Estonian – head jaanipäeva!
Day 1: Death Crush
Ok here goes nothing. This blog will be my day by day, step by step, back through whats been so upsetting to me lately, all the way to some sort of life. Ever since I came back from the North I have been so focused on getting my family back together that I have forgotten some important things. I’m a changed person. A better person. I am more equipped to handle things now, with calmness and being level headed. I need to be proud of those changes I made, because if I hadn’t made them this awful situation that I find myself in could very well happen again someday. This needs to stop. Its been a 9 year process of having the end of every 3rd year turn into a disaster. On this date of June 20th, 2013, I am taking the first step away from all of this. I have left a door open for my soulmate to follow through when she is ready. I hope she does someday, life is a lot less fulfilling without her to enjoy it with. But I have an obligation to my daughter, and my little side kick will not suffer while her father struggles to handle his loss, no matter how great. Things have a way of building up, until they just crush you. Death Crush you. So we are setting sail for brighter waters, and this blog will document it. I plan on posting every day, as hard as that can get during times, with a photo attached. Some days it will be about what is going on during that exact moment, others may be more reflective. But I think that this creative outlet will do me some good. Hell SOMETHING needs to be flowing out of me, because if its kept inside I know it will lead to a very painful consequence, not only for me but for those around me that care about me a lot. The support that has been given to me from friends old and new, near and far, has been the only thing that got me through the worst of all of this. I will try and link this to my now public Facebook account so that it can be kept up with easily. I have a pretty slick smart phone (HTC One VX) so I might even be able to blog to this site on the go. The goal is to stay positive, smart, and take gratitude in raising my child. Maybe one day our lost family member will rejoin us, I know we would love to have her back. But perhaps she is on a path of her own right now, and that is the only one that leads back to us. Only time will tell. I will end this first post with a quote by someone I used to find a lot of strength through.
“I’m a firm believer in karma. What comes around goes around. If you constantly think bad things then you’ll only get deeper and deeper into your own bullshit. So if you do some good things and feel good about yourself then you’ll see some positive dividends.”
