Soul Side Journey

We were sitting in the coffee shop in Oxford when it hit me. Samm and I had just driven the exact same route, and now were in the exact same cafe that I had gone to on my way up North. It was a bizarre feeling, like I had just re-written history. A do over. I guess it was also ironic going on a trip mimicking the same journey I had done seeking enlightenment into a problematic life going through a marriage crisis, with the other half of said marriage. The fact that I felt we had bonded a bit on this trip made it seem even more important. There have been several seemingly off the beaten path types of places that I have run across in my travels, and sometimes I even remark that I probably won’t be coming back through these places again. Funny enough, I have ended up going back to these exact spots and it always makes me feel strangely reflective about myself. Like how is this time different, what is different about me, and are things better in my life than the last time that I was here. This was one of those times. The thing that I carry with me as a married man is that whenever I go anywhere without her, I always find myself wishing I was seeing these things with her. So to have a do over on this first leg of my Northern voyage, was a satisfying experience.

Samm and I drove up to Memphis for her Uncle Tommy’s funeral. I never met Tommy, but he was a very important figure in Samm’s family life. She was obviously heart broken when I told her the news. Later in the day she had written me a really heartfelt message telling me how sorry she was for the way things had gone this Summer, and I can’t really begin to paraphrase it all. I guess I would just say it had a lot of things in it that I just needed to hear. That’s all. We got up to Memphis at 3 AM and had to be down in the hotel lobby at 8. She hadn’t seen or spoken to her mother since she had came to visit us and things went haywire. This was a good chance for everyone to not only heal, but to spend some quality time together. It reminded me of something that I heard recently: sometimes through tragedy, we manage to come together and be closer. After spending an entire night of driving with uniterupted time with my wife, and then meeting the other half of her family that obviously loved and cherished this man that we had all gathered to honor, and seeing them so glad to see Samantha, I can whole heartedly agree with that statement. Through a death, we managed to grow closer. All of us. It is what he would have wanted.

I left about 5 rose petals sitting on the kitchen table the entire time Samantha was gone. They were from a flower I brought her a long time ago, and it sat in a vase. I guess when she took the vase, some petals fell from it and they were all that was left for me when I came into the house back in April. I said I wouldn’t ever distrub the petals until she came home. SO there they sat, in the big damn middle of everything. Cali and I had to eat around them, do paintings around them, and sometimes she would ask why there were dead plants laying on the table that we couldn’t throw out. “Because sometimes, things that appear dead are just waiting to be reborn.”. When Samm and a friend moved the last of her belongings back into the house, back came the vase. We were eating dinner last week when it hit me that the flower was still there in the vase. I scooped up the petals finally and placed them in an open oyster shell that Cali had found on the beach earlier that day. Things that appear all dried up and dead to the world aren’t that way forever.

Down To Earth Motherfucken Post Amplification Blues. I think I may have touched on this before, but it is like a surreal landscape that I am living in right now as far as “forgetting” why I feel sad or upset. There is a lot of triggers lurking in everyday things. Someone mentions bad relationship behavior (which you have NO IDEA just how 99% of television shows have some sort of cheating involved in its programming until you go through something like this) and then I automatically wince and think all kinds of bad thoughts. I am insecure as hell right now, and I can’t seem to do anything to help it. Mental and emotional health suffering is the worst. She’s sick too, more of a physical one though and I will state that it has been a chance for me to show what I bring to the table as far as taking care of my spouse when she is under the weather. I cooked. I cleaned. I took care of the animals. Cut the grass with a push mower, which was quite the experience. All I want is to be left alone in peace with my family. I want to work hard and provide a decent life for my family. I want my wife to be able to life comfortably while she gets the career opportunities and education that I was able to experience. We got everything turned in for her school program so everything should be good to go when classes start in a few weeks. I am excited for her. We both have our own journeys starting but they are ones that we helped put each other onto. Hopefully we can be healthy enough to tread these paths.

While sometimes it feels that when it rains, it pours, we can’t just give up, stop working, or bury our heads in the sand and just expect those clouds to pass. That’s how shit spirals out of c0ntrol and gets broken beyond repair. When you push yourself to the brink and things still seem to be going wrong, you have to look yourself in the mirror and realize these are the times that define us as people. Its easy to smile and go to work or school every day when everything is going right and you’re living comfortably. But when you still make yourself get your ass out of the bed every morning and do those things even though you are an emotional wreck, that’s when you find out who you really are. I had just become a daddy and moved back to Florida from Los Angeles right before Cali was born to try and have a family. That blew up in my face, and I ended up heading to Seattle for grad school. I didn’t know a single person upon arriving there, and the strains of being that far from home and a newborn daughter drove me to drinking and wandering just about everywhere, alone. I still flew back once an month to see Cali. Most days I didn’t feel like getting out of bed, let alone doing graduate work and going to class. But I made myself anyway and every night I would walk back to my apartment feeling a little better, a little more invigorated. And shit started to change. Every time I felt like I was on the brink of disaster, something would come along to pull me through to the next day, then the next month, and on to graduation. Some might say it was just work. Or karma. Sometimes I will just put it simply as being luck. Negative people will always tell you they have the worst luck in the world. Well as a former jerk who frowned all the time, let me just say its hard to get lucky when you are sitting around thinking the world hates you.

Today my wife made a breakthrough despite feeling like shit for a while, and I guess it reminded me a lot of back in Seattle. She has been working at two jobs all week, working through emotional duress and today on her day off, she spent it doing some positive work on herself. And lo and behold, a nice piece of mail arrived. She was accepted into school for the Fall and is back on track with her education. Be productive. Be positive. A little luck might come your way.

 

Yes, I have my wants and desires. I desire to have my family together with me, in our home. I desire to have my daughter with me full time. I desire to not have to worry about anyone trying to harm or disturb my family. When I turn to what I want for each member of this family, I have to put my desires aside. Because when it boils down to it, what I “want” is for each of us to be happy. I am beyond relieved that Samm is home, in our home. I think she can heal here, and of course I am glad the financial strain of having her live elsewhere is gone. Unfortunately, there are still things within her that she has to work on, and come to terms with. Things that involve me, and a a few things that don’t at all. I left on my journey and I got my answers. I came home and I was able to self reflect and work on myself. She needs to do the same. No one that has good intentions deserves to suffer. As much as I want to be by her side helping her through the dark times, there comes a point when too much attention can turn to too much pressure. Its not about us staying married anymore. Its about her facing her demons and walking away a victorious, stronger individual. I know she can do it. When she gets to the divine light at the end of her tunnel, she might find what I found: forgiveness, both of others and of self. If you don’t, you’ll end up hating everyone and then in turn crush yourself with guilt.