Soul Side Journey

While sometimes it feels that when it rains, it pours, we can’t just give up, stop working, or bury our heads in the sand and just expect those clouds to pass. That’s how shit spirals out of c0ntrol and gets broken beyond repair. When you push yourself to the brink and things still seem to be going wrong, you have to look yourself in the mirror and realize these are the times that define us as people. Its easy to smile and go to work or school every day when everything is going right and you’re living comfortably. But when you still make yourself get your ass out of the bed every morning and do those things even though you are an emotional wreck, that’s when you find out who you really are. I had just become a daddy and moved back to Florida from Los Angeles right before Cali was born to try and have a family. That blew up in my face, and I ended up heading to Seattle for grad school. I didn’t know a single person upon arriving there, and the strains of being that far from home and a newborn daughter drove me to drinking and wandering just about everywhere, alone. I still flew back once an month to see Cali. Most days I didn’t feel like getting out of bed, let alone doing graduate work and going to class. But I made myself anyway and every night I would walk back to my apartment feeling a little better, a little more invigorated. And shit started to change. Every time I felt like I was on the brink of disaster, something would come along to pull me through to the next day, then the next month, and on to graduation. Some might say it was just work. Or karma. Sometimes I will just put it simply as being luck. Negative people will always tell you they have the worst luck in the world. Well as a former jerk who frowned all the time, let me just say its hard to get lucky when you are sitting around thinking the world hates you.

Today my wife made a breakthrough despite feeling like shit for a while, and I guess it reminded me a lot of back in Seattle. She has been working at two jobs all week, working through emotional duress and today on her day off, she spent it doing some positive work on herself. And lo and behold, a nice piece of mail arrived. She was accepted into school for the Fall and is back on track with her education. Be productive. Be positive. A little luck might come your way.

 

Yes, I have my wants and desires. I desire to have my family together with me, in our home. I desire to have my daughter with me full time. I desire to not have to worry about anyone trying to harm or disturb my family. When I turn to what I want for each member of this family, I have to put my desires aside. Because when it boils down to it, what I “want” is for each of us to be happy. I am beyond relieved that Samm is home, in our home. I think she can heal here, and of course I am glad the financial strain of having her live elsewhere is gone. Unfortunately, there are still things within her that she has to work on, and come to terms with. Things that involve me, and a a few things that don’t at all. I left on my journey and I got my answers. I came home and I was able to self reflect and work on myself. She needs to do the same. No one that has good intentions deserves to suffer. As much as I want to be by her side helping her through the dark times, there comes a point when too much attention can turn to too much pressure. Its not about us staying married anymore. Its about her facing her demons and walking away a victorious, stronger individual. I know she can do it. When she gets to the divine light at the end of her tunnel, she might find what I found: forgiveness, both of others and of self. If you don’t, you’ll end up hating everyone and then in turn crush yourself with guilt.

Perseverance – Don’t quit until the blessing. That was the sermon today at church. I took Cali with me so she could go to the new Sunday school class, which is actually taught by a girl that Samantha works with at the restaurant. I still felt my usual anxieties, and for good reasons. Samm isn’t happy. Like at all. Not with me. Not with our daughter. Apparently, not with anything at all. I have a sinking feeling about why. When you have that much inner turmoil in your life because of the choices tearing at your soul, its hard to find peace. I feel like at this point, given the exhaustive efforts on my behalf, this is something that she will have to sort through. I don’t want it to be alone. Perhaps that is the only solution though. I never gave up on her. I never lost hope in regards to our marriage. I never lost sight of the beautiful, wonderful girl that I fell in love with. She made me a better man, and no matter what depths we have to dive through, I won’t just abandon her. I may have to take a step back for my own well being, and most of all, for my daughter’s well being.

I have some pretty sappy (maybe a little lame haha) nicknames for my wife. Usually, she’s so damn cute its just hard not to come up with this stuff. I don’t think I’ve ever said any of them in front of anyone else besides Cali. So Samm, if you are reading this, don’t kill me. The first one I ever came up with was Carebear. It was pretty fitting. She used to constantly be doing things for others that were less fortunate, going through a hard time, or just needed a smile. We couldn’t go past that corner on Perry and Highway 98 without her feeding the bums or handing them some change. The next one was Samoth, when I started getting her into the more extreme metal music out of Scandinavia. The last two are hands down the most disgustingly mooshy ones of all time. And I swear I call her them regularly. Apple Jack, and Mocha Sunshine. Yep. The long haired, viking beard, tattooed version of me calling her on the phone and dropping one of those names.

I came home late today, well after dark. She has been at work for almost 7 hours, working on the back porch and the temperatures have been in the high 90s. But I walked in the door and the entire house was clean. Like it looked like a bomb went off in here when I left for work this morning, and she was pretty busy this afternoon. So I guess it goes back to what I hit on a few days ago: I just like feeling reassured that she’s “back”. She’s home. I just want to feel normal, and coming home to a nice clean house like things used to be is a beautiful thing. So the next grande soy iced coffee with caramel is on me, babe.

Things that used to be simple routine parts of a married couples life now seem to keep hanging onto the edge of a cliff as they play out. Yesterday was a few examples. She texted me after her massage with just one sentence, “I’m going home”. Naturally I freaked out. Or unnaturally? I expected the worst. She’s moving home to Arkansas. She’s going to that house she was staying at. Who knows? I called and asked what was going on. She sounded confused and just said she was on her way home to our house and asked me to go grocery shopping. She actually sounded excited to have some healthy food in the house. I felt dumb, yet relieved. She also paid her own money to have a house keeper come and clean the whole house yesterday so she could take a break from doing it since her back was still bothering her from the car wreck. I would like to think no one that had plans to leave would do all of that. SO I guess I have to take that as a reassurance and try to ease my fear and anxiety. I don’t know when I will feel “normal” and it isn’t a pleasant path to be on taking things day by day, but I know that patience and love are at an all time necessity. Forgiveness. She told me she would never do this to me again. I believe her. I guess time will tell me that I did the right thing and fought tooth and nail, until the death. Surmani Koos – Estonian for “Until death, we are together.”

I think I have PTSD really bad. Even though my wife is back, I still get really bad anxiety. I can’t sleep through the night. I’m absolutely exhausted right now. Obviously, when I am not around her its at its worst. I went to church again today, and sat in the back. I did feel a little better, but I was so out of sorts I really couldn’t focus enough to gain any sort of meaning in what they were saying like I previously was able to. I guess I took some solace in just being around cheerful people. I needed that. I’m dreading going to work tomorrow. Cali is visiting and I would love nothing more than to just spend the entire day with them.

I have been wondering a lot since she got home as to why it took up until the 11th hour for things to come back together. Did we have to suffer so much? Why was some horrible individual allowed to terrorize my family and (for now) get away with it? Those that put faith and belief in religion will usually tell you that things “happen for a reason” or that it was all just part of God’s plan. I believe that some sort of just karma will eventually catch up to that mother fucker, I really do. Its hard not to sit around and just focus on that shit, and I have been trying not to. My beautiful wife is home, and that should occupy me quite enough. We are healing. I’m a positive, optimistic person right now, and I believe in the things I went through to try and keep my family together. I wouldn’t be standing here still if I didn’t. I didn’t really write about the day everything finally changed, so let me just say that I had finally laid down and given in to the realization that I had done all that I could. Whatever was going to happen was now in the arms of God, not me. Right when I felt like my hope that I had held on to dearly was slipping off of my finger tips, she came back. It was to me, one of the most unexpected and unlikely events I had ever witnessed. So I am still not exactly sure what it is out there that I put faith in, but after going through that experience, I know for a fact that something is indeed out there worth believing. And I believe I owe them a thank you.