Soul Side Journey

“Life is really great now”.

The sunlight was flitting through gaps in the cloud filled sky, creating a constantly changing backdrop above the water. There was barely even a breeze, and the calm, mint green gulf of Mexico sprawled outward from the beach like a gigantic lake. I immediately thought it was odd to vocalize anything about the state of my life in such a positive manner. I couldn’t remember doing so before. Yet as I grinned and began to run again, there was a certainty about that statement now; life was indeed great. Greater than it ever had been.
******************************************************************************
Today I am 2 years sober. I got here. That far flung date that at one point, seemed like an alternate reality, is finally here. I remember reading the article like it was a prison sentence: “Post-acute withdrawal usually lasts for 2 years”. I’m about 10 pounds lighter than I was two years ago, and I have been at this weight for most of the past year. My body feels significantly better than I can remember it being as an adult, and I credit a lot of that to doing yoga. I’ve been going every Wednesday and sometimes Monday for quite some time now.

I’ve spoken to some other people that are going through battles with addiction recently. Some sought me out, others were just seemingly by chance.

I’ve been going back to Alcoholics Anonymous when I can make it. There are still some of the same regulars to the group, although almost all of them are older and well into their sobriety. The younger attendees are still a revolving bunch, it seems it varies by the week. The last meeting I went to, the opening reading referenced reminders, as in things that may occur to stop us from relapsing back into our past habits. It called these as metaphorically “burning your hands on the stove”. I have had a few of these, and while I am confident in my path of sobriety, at no point will I ever be ready to say “I have beaten this to the point where I don’t have to be aware of it anymore”. So when these reminders occur, I take full note of them. Back in October, I had a very vivid dream in which I had gotten drunk. There have been a few other times that I have dreamt about drinking, but this was the most intense. I woke up fully believing that I had relapsed and was ready to wake up my wife to shakily admit what had happened. That same month, I saw someone that I had been in rehab with while I was out one night. They were having a drink. We didn’t make eye contact, and I didn’t really know what to say or if it was even appropriate to approach someone in public after only being acquainted with them through a treatment program. 3 months later, on Christmas Eve, I saw their face in a mugshot. They had been arrested that day on several substance related charges and were now spending the holiday in jail.

A few months ago, someone from a rehab facility in south Florida reached out to me and asked me to look over some literature on recovery. I appreciate any group willing to open its doors to try and help those trying to find sobriety and recovery. This site has a lot of knowledge and explains some of the biological and mental factors behind addiction and recovery. I always found peace of mind from learning concrete factual explanations for what was happening inside my body and my mind, I guess it made me feel a bit of relief. http://www.lumierehealingcenters.com/what-is-addiction/

There is a distinct lack of frustration. I think that is the biggest difference between now and then. Coping with things is a whole lot easier than it ever was back then. Problems are no longer an all encompassing part of my existence. This is wonderful. Every day I wake up and enjoy my day, no matter what occurs during it. My wife is an absolute joy to be around, we definitely cherish time spent with one another, and I don’t think it would be possible to laugh any more than I seem to find myself doing when we are together. The amount of support she has shown me while being a positive influence has been an incredible impact on my life. There are no mundane days. This is living well. I never, ever, want to go back to a place where that life, and her, could be jeopardized. I’m glad my wife never saw me drunk. As for my 9, going on way too old, little daughter…I know there will be a day when she learns about what “being drunk” entails, and I wonder if there will be any recollection of her father having a drink. Regardless, I accept that this may be something I pass down to her, and I will be as honest as I can be about what my mistakes and experiences entailed. I don’t want her to go through what I went through.

Here is where I am going to leave off and say goodbye to you. Whoever “you” are…I’m not going to tell you there is a rainbow that leads from the origin of a troubled life to any sort of peace and tranquility. There isn’t one. That isn’t how this is going to work. There will be days spent fumbling around through the fog choked muck, barely able to see in front of your own two hands. Some days you will be lost in this entirely. Once you finally develop a pattern of consistency, and can piece together some learned behaviors, and string multiple days together while using those behaviors, the fog will ever so lightly begin to lift. The rotten mask you were wearing will begin to wither and fall apart, and all that will be left is your true self. That is the only self capable of finding the path through the abyss. Others may try and help you, and you may try and use others as a source of hope and motivation, but in the end it can only be you alone that makes the several choices necessary to change.

thank you for being my rock and helping me weather the storms

“Death needs Time for what it kills to grow in” – William S. Burroughs

VIII.XVII.MMXVI

I am grateful to have arrived at this point. Things are unfamiliar, and while there are things I have certainly attempted before, I’m experiencing how they feel for the first time.

We are on this earth for a finite amount of time. The worn out saying “live each day like its your last” is a bit short sighted of this fact, when you think about it. An addict point of view even. I think I would prefer to look at each day as being one day closer to being my last. The time I have left is what I want to cherish, but to say its duration is only going to be measured out 24 hours from this moment is not how I want to look at it. I used to do that, and I was reckless with my money, reckless with my relationships, and reckless with my time. Some patience was definitely needed, and its felt satisfying to work towards and achieve some goals that were not just going to happen over night.

Take that leap. Go somewhere you haven’t been before, even if its just the next town over. Think about it this way, if you are unhappy; what is the point of your “comfort zone”? Could such a thing truly exist if you were miserable or unsure about yourself? The whole point of being in a comfort zone is feeling secure and contentment, and when you think about it, feeling secure and content with sadness is how we get ourselves in a rut. A small step in a different direction towards something new could maybe change some things.

There is a misconception that getting sober, or getting over something that was killing you, is that its going to lead to you a promised land where you smile everyday and the sky is always blue. The journey of recovery shows you the truth, the ugly side of it. It is why it is so difficult. There is nothing happy about addiction. Recovering from a broken heart is the loneliest place on the planet. Encountering a mental illness and codependency is a torturous maze to wander. And when you rise above each or all of these things, what I want you to know is that you can feel again. You feel everything, and it should be one of your mightiest goals. You are in control and responsible for everything. Your successes. Your mistakes. You can experience happiness without waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can smile without it being a mask for something tearing you apart inside. If you fail at something, you can actually learn from it and come back to it with a new plan, instead of it being another reason to bemoan your bad luck and act like its never going to change. Those are some of the things that can happen when you arrive.

One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things. – Henry Miller

You will see that you are not the center of this universe. When you are the addict, your world is yourself. It is always about what you have to have, right then and there until the cycle begins anew. Your current crisis is always the most critical situation you’eve ever been in, your problems are everyone around you’s to help solve. You feel as though to get anything accomplished it will take drawing in everyone around you and using every last bit of them up. Which is kind of what makes getting better so amazing, because it only happens through your final acceptance that its you alone that will make any sort of real lasting change in your life. It feels good to care about other people, and to know my problems aren’t some sort of death sentence to those that care about me.

“The light in me recognizes the light in you“…the Namasté greeting is one of the most beautiful sayings I’ve heard, but to me it is half finished. To anyone that has made it this far on their journey… the darkness in me recognizes the darkness in you. There is no way to traverse the awful things we must all get through without having the darkness engulf us at some point. Almost like you know it will hurt you to continue on to where you know you must go. The easy way out is just a return to what’s feeding off your dying corpse. Giving into the cravings, fearing the withdrawal. A parasite. To close the wound and kill the rot of what has gripped your life, its like you have to cauterize your own wound, knowing full well the pain it will cause in doing this. That is the only way you survive and walk forward. The scar it leaves is the darkness. I will recognize these scars, and anyone who has gone through it and looks upon me will recognize my own. They aren’t trophies. No one should be boasting. There are still so, so many things I will always be sorry for. 1 year, 6 months, and 15 days of sobriety. There is no clean slate wiped clean, that is just reality. When you get to the point of forgiving yourself, that is how you move on with it.

This is going to be my last writing on this story. It was mine to tell and at the very least, I was honest. Looking back at where it began, the person that sat down to write that first entry is now unrecognizable to me. So much had to change. There had to be so much failure to get to the point of true change. There is no reason to be bitter about any of it, the life I am able to live now would not have been possible without it. The worst things that happened make me appreciate everything I have now, and who I have in my life now, even more.

Chaos and Emptiness chao et inanitas

A path through turbulent times. That’ what this was, wasn’t it? Everything is different now, every fragment of who I am as well as every aspect of my everyday life. Hell, I even “think” differently. If I had to pinpoint what the biggest impact all of this has had on my life, it would be a lack of chaos…and no more feeling empty inside. My adult life has always felt like an impending car crash, and on the stretches of decent road there seemed to be a lifeless gazing out the window as things passed me by. I was always arriving somewhere, yet not here. Such a chaotic existence was miserable and depressing. This journey traversed a way beyond all of that. Sometimes I sit here in wonderment about the stability that exists now. I ask myself, how did it all happen? I think that is a calming and reassuring point in all of this journey being at its end. No more living in chaos, and having a calm sense of stability each and every day. There will always be clouds that pass through the skies occasionally, but it feels good to look at them with resolve instead of foreboding. I’m able to be who I need to be, even on the bad days. I’m capable of being a husband, a father, and I’m ready to begin a new journey.

When we come upon the time in our lives when it is finally time to change, we set out on our own soul side journeys. Mine lasted three years, and everything changed forever.

I understood myself only after I destroyed myself.

When I let go of my anger, I felt naked at first. It’d been a comforting cloak of nails my whole life it seemed. There was always an antagonistic pressure on me, whether it was real or self manifested. Combined with my addiction, there were storms to unleash. At my very core, I would say this shaped who I was. It defined me.

I think you’ll find many layers as you get and stay sober, almost like you’re peeling back each negative characteristic and aspect of yourself. You find there were many facets to your problems, that kept you befuddled, drunk, high, and detached from serenity and balance. Each step of sobriety involves acceptance of these layers and facing the cause of their existence. 

Sometimes when I’m at meetings, I look at those old timers, the ones with over twenty years of sobriety, and wonder what it is that brings them back every day. Do they still struggle with the demons? Do they feel a responsibility to help those trying to achieve sobriety? Is there continued presence here an admittance of no peace? I suppose I’ll find out someday. 

I love where my journey has me at in my life. I have no regrets about what brought me here, without the experience there’s no way I would have achieved anything lasting, with no hope of transcendence. There is no more lawless darkness within me anymore.

D’er mange ?ksarhogg, som eiki skal fella.

“…you seem like you see the world in color now” – my fiancée

I’m sitting in the coffee shop where we “met”. There’s a song playing right now, one that I like when Dax Riggs covers it, “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”. Fitting I would say, haha. He usually plays it in the middle of “What A Wonderful World”. I remember a year ago, sitting in this exact same chair in Maas coffee shop, next to the awkwardly placed pole. Flitting through Instagram, going to the coffee shops page, through the hash tags, through the wormhole and onto the other side. And here we are now.

That day, I was reading a magazine that was given to me by my ex’s grandmother. It’s called Natural Awakenings, and it’s printed locally. It focuses on natural methods of healing, both for health and substance abuse treatment, as well as yoga and nutrition. That’s where I found the rehab I ended up going to. I’m relieved that something of this nature is printed and distributed around here. I wonder how many other people have gotten a copy and changed their lives. 

There were a lot of days last summer sat in this seat while feeling lost at times. It felt like my emotions and inner turmoils were stacked up next to me on this counter, like some sort of office desk with an overflowing pile of paperwork. Now there’s just a nice stack of the magazine sitting next to me. 

There’s a guy at the end of the bar doing some sort of work. He just asked me if a political candidate had a DUI on their record, would that sway me from voting for them. Ironic I’d be asked to pass a judgement on something I was never caught for. 

I would implore anyone attempting to make a change in their life to give things the patience such an important task deserves. After all, this is your life you’re talking about. You never know what’s just around the proverbial corner. Or click.

“The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly the one you’ll never have.”
– Søren Kierkegaard

Something that I had a very hard time with was letting go of people. I have wrote about how my codependency issues were just as detrimental as my dependency on alcohol. The aspect of letting go was codependency at its most crippling. A lot of it makes sense to me now, as I have been able to look back at my past and accept things, but at the time it was an all consuming issue in my life. Most people who are in a codependent relationship that can even acknowledge the door to escape does indeed exist, cannot take those final steps to leave the situation for their own good. It is a constant struggle within your own mind, as every minute “I promise it will change, please don’t leave” will cause yet another cycle to begin. To the outside world that can see plain as day all the damage this is causing and seems to think the truth is staring us in the face, this must seem pretty pathetic, right?

I had a counselor that I began seeing in the Fall of 2014. Right away she recognized my codependency issues. There were a lot of discussions that would end with me having to confront all of the stark realities of my situation and why they were so unhealthy and self destructive. I think because I had not yet come to grips with my drinking problem, a lot of this fell on deaf ears. Most of the issues came to the surface when I would get drunk, so there was this disconnect between those incidents and a sober encounter in a therapists office. The books she wrote down for me to read were scribbled on a note that I never even bothered to look at. Until I got sober.

One of the books was called “The Language of Letting Go”, and talked about moving on from destructive relationships and our inability to have control in those types of situations. The sooner we are able to accept these facts, the sooner we can make changes within ourselves; the only being on this earth we truly have control over.

Finishing our business from the past helps us form new and healthier relationships. The more we overcome our need to be excessive caretakers, the less we will find ourselves attracted to people who need to be constantly taken care of. The more we learn to love and respect ourselves, the more we will become attracted to people who will love and respect us and who we can safely love and respect. This is a slow process. We need to be patient with ourselves. The type of people we find ourselves attracted to does not change overnight. Being attracted to dysfunctional people can linger long and well into recovery. That does not mean we need to allow it to control us. The fact is, we will initiate and maintain relationships with people we need to be with until we learn what it is we need to learn—no matter how long we’ve been recovering. ? Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go

As I finally took the time to make the necessary changes in my life, I felt like I was able to accept the past and some of things that I was so disappointed about. It also let me find a silver lining. That was a huge relief to me personally. It was an experience that, while painful, ushered me towards acknowledging my self worth. There is nothing quite like the feeling of a broken heart; you can be consumed or you can grow.  To be able to look at the bright side even in the middle of a horrible situation was a very calming affect. It allowed me to let go, pick myself up and get myself to the point where I was ready to go forward in my life, in control of my life, and accepting of whatever may come my way.

Whitney,

I think it’s a good thing to acknowledge milestones, so I’d like to send you some thoughts on this first year spent in each other’s company. First as friends, then dating, then loving, and now engaging. Since one year ago we texted one another, moving from the digital social media realm to the good old fashioned cellular data one (my grandparents are rolling in their graves at my referencing anything modern as being old fashioned). It was the beginning of a week that was going to change everything. Or maybe just start to complete everything. We were both ending our summer’s that were spent working on becoming different humans than the ones that started 2015. I could tell that when I met you, your story wasn’t a woe is me, it was a learn and grow past your former version of yourself. I admired and respected that. I’m done with cruelty and apathy, you seem to lack an ounce of either of those wasteful traits and that makes me admire you even more. It seems like most of us have a tendency to tell about our stumbles in life with a hateful or resentful tone. You did neither. Despite having a huge disappointment occur that same year. I liked that about you because that’s where I was trying to get to in my own life. I’d like to think that, and many other important aspects made us so compatible and complimentary to each other. 

Now we get to spend our next year, on the exact same beach that we spent that first day together on. Right now I’m listening to the waves explode onto the sand, it’s quite loud. It still hasn’t hit me that I’m going to be able to do this with you just about every day of this second year that’s almost here.